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Is it technically rape?

My boyfriend and I were out at a bar with my friends a few nights ago and we got quite drunk. Not drunk enough to not know what we were doing, not drunk enough to black-out. We got home and as soon as I laid down I fell asleep. He wasn't meant to sleep in my room, my parents had made it clear he wasn't allowed. But he did. I was kind of aware of movement, I felt him touch me and I felt him put my hand on his cock etc. But I couldn't move or say anything or open my eyes. I couldn't give any indication that I was aware of what was happening. I kept dipping in and out of consciousness.

He got on top of me at some point and he had sex with me, he came inside me. He knew I wasn't conscious, there's no way he could have thought I was awake. I can't explain it, I don't know how I could be aware of something but not be able to do anything about it. I thought maybe I had dreamed it but when I woke up the evidence was all there. And, worse still, my parents had heard the whole thing. They think I was awake, and I couldn't tell them otherwise. They're kicking me out because of this.

But his reaction when I confronted him that morning really confused me. He says he doesn't remember having sex with me, he insists that he has no memory of it at all. I don't think he was drunk enough to black out like that though. He keeps telling me how much he loves me and how it's tearing him apart, and he feels really guilty. I don't know what to believe. I don't know if he could really love me and still do what he did. I'm falling apart, I feel violated and unsafe. I need advice. I don't have anyone to talk to about this.
AidanMama_U

Comments

  • LaineLaine Llama Mama Posts: 1,336 Fanatical Poster
    Hey whiterabbit 
    I'm really sorry to hear what has happened to you. 

    Any form of sexual activity where the other does not say yes is rape. 
    You need not have to physically say no as if "yes" isn't present its considered rape. 

    What they did was really wrong please don't feel bad or at fault,

    I'm really sorry to hear about your parents that's really awful and not at all the right thing to do. 

    In order to offer my best support I was wondering about your current circumstances, are you still at home?  Are they planning on kicking you out? Have they already? 
    Are you over or under 18?

    Stay strong we're all here for you and this will get better <3

    Are you sure it was him? Did you have any way of knowing? 
    The most likely cause is was him and he either doesn't remember because he was drunk or he's covering it up but there may be a slight chance it was someone else. 

    Whatever your situation at home i would get yourself to your GP for this, sounds time wasting but they can refer you to services to help what you've been through and support you through it, depending on if your parents have or still plan to kick you out they will also be able to help with that. 

    If you are currently kicked out or they still plan to have a look at the shelter england website and get In touch
    https://england.shelter.org.uk/get_help

    You can also find help from your local council: https://www.gov.uk/find-local-council

    And get in touch with social services.

    If you are or ever become frightened or in distress don't hesitate to ring Samaritan's: 116 123

    And please stay safe we're here for you keep us updated x

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 

    "Maybe it's not my weekend,  but it's gonna be my year" ~ All Time Low

    "No one else is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend" ~ TOP

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
    Aidan
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,166 The Mix Elder
    edited August 2018
    I’m so sorry. - it sounds like it was rape:(

     I don't know how I could be aware of something but not be able to do anything about it.

    Hope this isn’t self blame ^. Don’t blame yourself in anyway for this. You didn’t need to do anything because it shouldn’t have happened. He should of saw you couldn’t give consent. You don’t need to say “no” or be dramatic about it- not engaging in sex shows you didn’t want it. Someone who wants sex will engage aswell, he clearly saw that you didn’t want it so its completly wrong that he took advange of you. 

    What you do now is completly up to you. But I’d suggest that if you know someone you trust - family member, friend, but realise you said you feel you dont have anyone then maybe GP —speak to them about this as you shouldn’t have to be alone with it. But you also need to keep yourself safe. Cause it’s obvious he probably wouldn’t admit it so i wouldn’t believe everything he says as some people can be very manipulative. And ive been there and it’s a horrible cycle & people you feel you love can turn into horrible manipluative people
    Hope you stay safe & seek help 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    AidanLaine
  • petal123petal123 EnglandPosts: 21 Fast Newbie
    I’m so sorry love, I think this is very unfair on you and if you need someone to talk to I’m here however talking to an adult, like the GP, or even a close friend could probably help you a lot. 
    I hope you’re okay and you shouldn’t have to suffer alone with this 💗
    AidanLaine
  • AidanAidan Clever idiot Posts: 1,237 Fanatical Poster
    edited August 2018
    Heya @whiterabbit7

    I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I cannot emphasise enough that it isn't your fault, but entirely your attackers'. Sorry to put it so bluntly- if you never consented (lying there and taking it isnt consent), or if you withdrew consent but it continued, then you were raped.

    There are plenty of places for support following a rape, you'll just need to find the ones in your local area. There are places online that can help, such as here and rapecrisis- and if youre facing homelessness then shelter can help.

    As for being kicked out, it is perfectly legal for your parents to kick you out if you are 16 or over. It doesn't make it right though, and I would sit down and talk to them about your situation and see if they change their mind or allow you to stay until you have accomodation somewhere.

    I don't know how to bring this up- but I feel I need to because it happens and it is heartbreaking- but it's suspicious that your parents would kick you out after you've been sexually assaulted, it is such a defensive move and only a forensic exam can rule out the possibility a family member assaulted you.

    I'd urge you to go to a police station, or ring one, and tell them what happened. Of course you don't have to, and it can be very daunting, but you may find that getting proceedings started helps- the sooner the better as DNA evidence will be easier to obtain. Don't wash any clothes you were wearing at the time, or bedsheets etc, and if at all possible don't wash yourself. I know it may be too late or hard, as its almost a first instinct after something like this happens.

    It's awful what you are going through, and you are so brave to speak out about it. I hope you find the support you need, and we are always here for you.

    Take care,
    Aidan
    Laine
  • whiterabbit7whiterabbit7 Posts: 9 Newbie
    Thank you, everyone, for your replies and advice. There was no one else in my house who could have done it, I know it was him. I heard his voice. Maybe he drunk more than I realized and it made him do what he did. He keeps saying we can work through it and that we'll be together forever, and he wants me to move in with him. It's all very confusing, I don't know if I should just forgive him and move on. No one is completely clear about what happened or how it happened, I should probably just let it go. 

    I've been raped before by someone else when I was 15 (I'm now 18) and I went to the police but they didn't really do anything. I don't think they'd believe me if I went to them and told them it happened again. I'm scared they'll think I'm making it up. And they'd probably tell my parents, which is something I definitely don't want. And also I don't want to hurt my boyfriend. I really care about him, I don't want to put him through that.
    Aidan
  • AidanAidan Clever idiot Posts: 1,237 Fanatical Poster
    Hey @whiterabbit7

    It must feel so hopeless, especially since the police didn't believe you last time. You can seek advice online or from a legal advisor about how to complain about possible police misconduct and what rights you and the police have, so if you do go to the police this time then you can go to them armed with knowledge and education about what they can and can't do.

    He keeps saying we can work through it and that we'll be together forever, and he wants me to move in with him.

     And also I don't want to hurt my boyfriend. I really care about him, I don't want to put him through that.
    Again, I'm sorry for being so blunt- but if he really cared about you, he wouldn't rape you and put you through this. Having him prosecuted wouldn't be unfair or unjust at all, so don't feel bad about any action you end up taking against him. Alcohol isn't an excuse for rape.

    If he's in the position where he can commit a serious crime against you- breaking boundaries and trust- and knows that he can get away with it and you'll still love him, then he is controlling and manipulating you. He has chosen the opportunity of when you're very vulnerable to ask you to move in; maybe he thinks you can't refuse him because of your current home situation.

    Please think very carefully about your next steps, and whether living in a shelter or staying with a friend would be a better option than being trapped with a person who has violated you and cannot guarantee he won't again especially if you're on his turf and playing by his rules.

    Don't feel like any of this is your fault, but I hope you're starting to feel that things are getting more clear and that there is something you can do about this. Many of us here have seen, and been victims ourselves of, manipulation and control. We can help you through this and offer you support.

    Take care,
    Aidan
    LaineShaunie
  • LaineLaine Llama Mama Posts: 1,336 Fanatical Poster
    What you choose to do next rabbit is entirely up to you but you need to think about it and make this decision really carefully.

    Whether he was drunk and generally didn't mean to it still wasn't right.

    You may find if the relationship continues it will grow more unhealthy and you may hear excuses that "he didn't mean to" or "it won't happen again" and continue to be let down, these relationships can turn manipulative from assault or rape and often times do. 

    "we'll be together forever" and the idea of you moving in with him concerns me a little. 
    While people can really just love each other in relationships when things like these come out of the blue with no warning it's usually their way of trying to draw you back in so they don't lose you or so you don't tell anyone.

    When these things happen it often won't be a one off and this will continue in the form of abuse be it emotional,  physical,  or sexual. 

    I've been through this before and cutting off contact was something I should of done earlier despite the fact the relationship was long distance after it was still emotionally abusive and I can't imagine what it would be like in person.

    If your parents aren't an option please consider talking to someone else about this,  your GP can help with what next steps to take be it counseling or most importantly making sure he can not contact you. 

    If you need to talk to someone there is the rape crisis freephone: 0808 802 9999

    This website has signposts to what you can do if he stalks you,  keeps contacting you or if you just feel in danger: https://www.suzylamplugh.org/Pages/FAQs/Category/anti-stalking

    We're all here for you x

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 

    "Maybe it's not my weekend,  but it's gonna be my year" ~ All Time Low

    "No one else is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend" ~ TOP

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
    AidanShaunie
  • whiterabbit7whiterabbit7 Posts: 9 Newbie
    A lot of people are saying things along the lines of this relationship being toxic and him being manipulative, and maybe I'm stupid for not believing that but he's been the victim of an abusive relationship before and he's been raped before, why would he do the same thing to me? I'm not trying to make excuses for him, I just don't know what to believe.

    In a way, he's using this past trauma as an excuse for what he did. To justify it a little bit. Maybe I should cut him a little slack, but at the same time, it could happen again if I give him any more chances. This is already the second time he's done this to me.

    And he's told his ex-girlfriend everything that has happened and she's now texting me, telling me to give him another chance, telling me he loves me and didn't mean to hurt me, and how guilty he feels about the situation. I'm going to call my GP and book an appointment, I don't know who to trust anymore. 
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,166 The Mix Elder
    Any respectful guy wouldn’t of done it in the first place. If he’s capable of doing once let alone twice, he can do it more times. 

    Im sorry about the police not doing much last time. But they have no reason to not believe you this time and people do get raped more than once, sadly. 

    People can can carry on the abuse they received as a child, As it can be seen as normal to them even if they know in the back on their mind it’s wrong as they hated it but if they have been around abuse so much can turn into abuser themselves. A guy who raped me was brought up in abuseive environment & he hated t and said he never wanted to be the same.... ended up the same.  That’s obviously not every one tho & can go the other way too. 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    AidanLaine
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,028 Staff Moderator
    edited August 2018
    Hey @whiterabbit7,

    I'm so sorry to hear about what happened. I just wanted to reiterate what everyone else has said here and say that what happened to you isn't your fault at all and you aren't to blame. You didn't consent to what happened and it's not okay for someone to do this even if you're in a relationship. You've taken a really positive step to talk about everything here. It's not easy to talk about at all. Well done for being so brave :) 

    It sounds like you're feeling a bit conflicted and unsure about what to believe. When you're in a relationship with someone it can be really hard knowing that something like this could ever happen but it can and it's important you keep reaching out for support and do whatever you feel is best for you right now. You don't have to go through this alone and we're all here to support you through this whatever you decide to do next. 

    Thank you @Shaunie @Laine @Aidan and @petal123 for all your lovely support to @whiterabbit7 ;

    It's really positive to hear you're going to call your GP and book an appointment. Do let us know how it goes. @Laine also mentioned a great organisation called Rape Crisis who you can call on 0808 802 9999. They will be there to listen and offer you support about what's happened. They are open between 12 noon - 2.30pm and 7 - 9.30pm every day. 

    Earlier you mentioned that your parents are kicking you out over what happened. Do you know when they are going to kick you out? Do you feel like you can open up to them about what really happened?  

    A few of these organisations have been mentioned already, but I just wanted to list them again because they are really great places that you can turn to for more support if you're not sure about where you're going to live or if you want some advice about what your options are.

    Centrepoint - offer housing advice to anyone in England aged 16-25. You can call them for free on 0808 800 0661. Their helpline is open Monday-Friday, 9am-5pm. They also have email or web chat options if you prefer to talk to someone online. Their web chat is open Wednesdays-Fridays from 12-3pm. You can find out more here.

    Shelter - offers support to people struggling with bad housing or homelessness. They have an emergency helpline which you can call on 0808 1644 660 or a non-urgent helpline which you can call on 0808 800 4444. Their helpline is open from 8am-8pm on weekdays and 9am-5pm on weekends. You can find out more here

    Don't be afraid to reach out for support because there are lots of people out there who can help you through this. We're here for you <3

    - Aife

    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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