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Im pushing my body to the limits.
Aurora
Posts: 11,722 An Original Mixlorian
Y'know the messed up things with becoming addicted to something? You don't realize you're addicted til it's taken away from you. That you become so ill without it, or your body can't hack another day because you no longer have that thing that's helped you keep going.
I'm struggling, I'm playing with my own mind, and I don't have anybody anymore, anyone I did have, I've lost, I've pushed away or I've hurt, maybe I'm good at emotionally blackmailing people, its more fucked because I don't realize I'm doing it, I'm so scared sometimes that it's often the thing I resort to. Maybe the reason nobody an deal ith me is because I can't deal with myself.
I need help, and I don't know where to get it, I'm exhausted all the time, and maybe its because I'm pushing my body to the limits, people always quesion how I do it, how do I go from day work to night work, to day and night, in the space of a weekend? To be honest, I don't know, I'm looking for a reason to get away the thoughts of suicide are so strong I can't actually manage it.
Maybe I should just get it 'over and done with' but I don't know if I want to kill myself, or I want to get away from all of this, I'm running, and I don't know what from, but I feel weak all the time, I have to force myself to not cry and it stings, I smile because all I seem to be good at right now is pretending things are okay, when really they're not. I don't care anymore, I don't care about anything. And that's fucked, because I used to be filled with fucking care and compassion for things, things that are meaningless now though.
I need help, and I'm sorry, I just don't know who else to turn to because Ive lost everyone. And I hate myself for all the fucked up things I've done.
I'm struggling, I'm playing with my own mind, and I don't have anybody anymore, anyone I did have, I've lost, I've pushed away or I've hurt, maybe I'm good at emotionally blackmailing people, its more fucked because I don't realize I'm doing it, I'm so scared sometimes that it's often the thing I resort to. Maybe the reason nobody an deal ith me is because I can't deal with myself.
I need help, and I don't know where to get it, I'm exhausted all the time, and maybe its because I'm pushing my body to the limits, people always quesion how I do it, how do I go from day work to night work, to day and night, in the space of a weekend? To be honest, I don't know, I'm looking for a reason to get away the thoughts of suicide are so strong I can't actually manage it.
Maybe I should just get it 'over and done with' but I don't know if I want to kill myself, or I want to get away from all of this, I'm running, and I don't know what from, but I feel weak all the time, I have to force myself to not cry and it stings, I smile because all I seem to be good at right now is pretending things are okay, when really they're not. I don't care anymore, I don't care about anything. And that's fucked, because I used to be filled with fucking care and compassion for things, things that are meaningless now though.
I need help, and I'm sorry, I just don't know who else to turn to because Ive lost everyone. And I hate myself for all the fucked up things I've done.
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Comments
First of all thank you for sharing how you're feeling it's so brave to talk about how you're feeling, we all need help from time to time so don't feel bad about asking for it, that's what we're here for!
I would first and foremost suggest trying to talk to your GP about these problems you've been having and see if there's any help they can offer you. There are usually addiction specialists in most surgeries so that might be an option for you as well as you talked a little about addiction to begin with. There's also a lot of great services out there for you to just talk through what you're dealing with at the moment such as The Samaritans https://www.samaritans.org/ or Papyrus https://papyrus-uk.org . Even just talking about things on the boards here can be a great first step.
If you'd like any more information about this I'd be happy to help I hope you'll feel comfortable talking about your problems whenever you need help.
- Riley
I'm really sorry to hear how you're feeling. You've done an amazing thing by posting this online - it's a really brave and great thing that you've done!
It sounds like you're in a confused and hurt state at the moment. The pressure and pain you're feeling is apparent in the fact that you seem desperate to escape your life. I'm not a qualified psychologist, but I really think you need to see a GP and get medical and psychological support! The medication will help restore the chemical balance in your brain, while psychological therapies will help you resolve cognitive and behavioural issues, and thus lead a happier life! I'd also contact Samaritans (24/7 on-call support helpline) and Mind (mental health charity) for help and advice. The support is out there, so use them!x
Much love