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Not concidered rape? (TRIGGER WARNING)

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Urmm not really sure how to start this off. I guess I feel a little embarrassed about it if I’m honest. So I went to stay at my boyfriends house over the weekend and he had 3 friends over I’d met them before so wasn’t particularly bothered.

A bit later on my boyfriend asked if we were hungry. We all said we were and he went to get us a takeaway. The one we like is about 10 minuets away and they normally try to cook you food fresh while you are there so all and all he would be gone about 30-40 mins depending on if there was a queue or not.

So he was gone for 5 min and I decided to go the bathroom. On my way back I heard them wispering and laughing but they stopped once I went in.

They were quite for a few mins and then out of the blue one of them asked if I’d ever pleasured myself with a sex toy. I thought this was weird for them to ask because I wasn’t in a relationship with them and ignored the question, he asked again and I just said “no” one of the other lads joined in saying “you should try it.”

This conversation went on for a couple of minutes by this time my boyfriend had been gone 15 mins and I decided I felt uncomfortable and got up to leave the room. Two of them grabbed me and pulled me back in the room. The 3rd one locked the door and while the others held me by my arms he attempted to pull my trousers down. I kicked him and he slapped my and grabbed my legs.

They put me on my boyfriends bed and then the two boys who held my arm now held my wrist in one hand and pushed on my knee with the other so I couldn’t move.

The 3rd guy pulled my trousers down and then got a (sorry if it sounds awkward) dildo from his bag.

He started using it on me and laughing. I’m not sure how long it went on but my boyfriend came back and they heard him. They quickly let go and one of them grabbed me and said if I said anything to him they would hurt me again. The told me to go get cleaned up in the bathroom.

My boyfriend came upstairs and heard me crying in the bathroom and asked if I was ok. I had locked the door and called to him saying I felt really ill and asked to be taken home. (I live alone)

Ive only told my best friend who said it might be a fuzzy line between rape and assault as in law it says that rape in penetration by penis.

I feel as if it’s happening all over again as I had been raped before and fell pregnant and had the baby taken away by my mum when the baby was a few days old. I know the baby can’t be adopted until its 6 months but my mum insisted it be taken into foster care as she called her “it won’t be looked after in her house”

But would this be classed as rape? I haven’t told my boyfriend yet he’s noticed I’m very jumpy and out of character. We haven’t had a sexual relationship due to my past but he is fine with it and hasn’t even suggested it. But I’m scared to tell him.

I feel so confused

Edit: sorry for the description but I didn’t know how to ask my question without saying what took place.


  • MaisyMaisy The Mix convert CymruPosts: 357 Moderator
    I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. Especially as it's brining back memories and making you feel like your past is repeating.

    ​Legally, in the UK, it would be classed as 'assault by penetration'. But another term that you may come across (though not necessarily in legal terms) is 'digital rape'. So while it's good to stick to what happened when describing it to others or in terms of reporting it (if you want), it's entirely your decision whether you feel that it is rape or not.

    ​Do you have much support in place? It's understandable that you might feel scared to tell your boyfriend at the moment, but you don't have to go through this alone. RapeCrisis https://rapecrisis.org.uk/​ might be able to offer you some support. And remember, we are here for you too!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Maisy thanks for the reply. I actually told my boyfriend last night after I went round his house and his friends were there. I just ran for it as soon as I saw them. They just smirked at me and next thing I know my boyfriend is running after me down the street.

    I told him and in anger he went and confronted them and suprisingly they admitted it saying that we were just messing around.

    I think he’s blaming himself as he has never left me with his friends before and it was his idea for me to stay there just to save me the trip and waiting around. He keeps saying “if only I let you come with me” but he couldn’t have known what they would do.

    I’m unsure as to wether report it or not. They never found the guy to my other attack so it was a lot of stress for him never to be found.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Also thank you for that website it really looks quite helpful
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 978 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey @Jenner

    First of all, I'm sending you hugs *hug*. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. It is really not OK for any human being to feel like they have the right to do that to another. I hope this article might help you to process what happened: http://www.themix.org.uk/crime-and-safety/victims-of-crime/was-it-rape-9143.html

    Do you feel like you could tell somebody you trust? It doesn't have to be your boyfriend yet if you're not ready, but I really think speaking about this would help. As @Maisy said above, RapeCrisis are an amazing help site & have a helpline if that would help too?

    Whatever you decide to do, you're not alone, we're here to support & get you through this. Let us know how you're getting on? :heart:

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Lucy I’ve managed to tell my bf about what had happened glad to say these guys aint his friends anymore.

    I haven’t told my mum as of yet she wasn’t very understanding the last time and just kept trying sweep it under the rug.
  • NikkiNikki Posts: 131 Boards Initiate
    Hi @Jenner

    How are you today?

    So sorry that you had to go through this, and it can feel overwhelming to make the decision to report. As you said that your mum was not very understanding the last time, might it be worth opening up to her again and suggest that you may want to report this incident?

    I would also second @Maisy[/USER] and [USER="99408"]Lucy307 that contacting Rape Crisis may able to give you some objective support, and offer guidance on reporting. Have you had you spoke to them at all? There is also a Victim Support (https://www.victimsupport.org.uk) helpline on 0808 168 9111. They may be able to also offer face-to-face support.

    It's really positive that you are reaching out on the boards, and whatever you decide we are here to support you.

    Take care @Jenner

    Nikki x
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