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Relationships after rape

BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 3,589 Community Veteran
How do you learn to trust people after rape? How do you trust someone with your body. The thought of a relationship terrifies me, people keep saying it will come with time, but when? Nothing seems to of got easier. I feel like people are looking down on me cause I'm not in a relationship, the looks of disgust on nurses faces when I'm getting checked or a contraception review, when they ask about my partner and I have to say i don't have one, I just have sex. But I can't sleep with someone more than once, cause then it means something and I'm terrified ill just get hurt over and over again. I wish I could function normally, but I can't even be in a room alone with a male unless I'm drunk as hell. It's worrying my friends how I'm just sleeping with randomers from the pubs, but if I'm not drunk the flashbacks come and its horrendous, they understand that, but they keep saying a good relationship will fix it.. and I'm just stuck in this vicious cycle.
' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  

Comments

  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 The Mix Regular
    I have the same issues with having a relationship and being around males but I dont have sex. I know thats some way survivors cope but I have gone the other way and not had it at all. Are you using protection?
  • One-in-a-millionOne-in-a-million Noob Posts: 518 Incredible Poster
    Hi how are you? I'm sorry to hear what you have gone through. It's tricky to say how you learn to trust someone again, as everyone is different. While I wasn't raped I hard a hard time at school where some lads didn't respect my boundaries and would touch me in ways I wasn't ok with. But without going to deep into it I'll just say it did make it hard to trust someone to respect me. Even though I have loving male ralatives who I knew wouldn't dream of hurting me I was still uncirten with guys I didn't really know.

    For me it just came with time. One day a friend who I'd known a year or two asked me to go watch a film with him. I knew him well but had never been alone with him and was actually feeling terrified at the thought of being alone.

    But I did meet him and as soon as I saw him I relaxed instantly. It was like a part of me realised that I was worrying over someone I knew I could trust.

    That was the actual breakthrough for me. I am now currently in a relationship and while I have made it clear I'm not sure if I'm ready to take it further yet, we are able to talk quite openly.

    I know it can feel like people are judging you but the nurses you spoke about won't be judging you, they have done their job every day and they understand everyone is and has different experiences.

    Alcohol is not a good way of coping, it can make things worse.
    Are you having any support at this momentz?
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 3,589 Community Veteran
    Lostsense wrote: »
    I have the same issues with having a relationship and being around males but I dont have sex. I know thats some way survivors cope but I have gone the other way and not had it at all. Are you using protection?


    yeah, I know people cope with it in different ways, but I don't think I'm coping at all. And not really, but on the implant and get checked every few months anyway
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 3,589 Community Veteran
    Hi how are you? I'm sorry to hear what you have gone through. It's tricky to say how you learn to trust someone again, as everyone is different. While I wasn't raped I hard a hard time at school where some lads didn't respect my boundaries and would touch me in ways I wasn't ok with. But without going to deep into it I'll just say it did make it hard to trust someone to respect me. Even though I have loving male ralatives who I knew wouldn't dream of hurting me I was still uncirten with guys I didn't really know.

    For me it just came with time. One day a friend who I'd known a year or two asked me to go watch a film with him. I knew him well but had never been alone with him and was actually feeling terrified at the thought of being alone.

    But I did meet him and as soon as I saw him I relaxed instantly. It was like a part of me realised that I was worrying over someone I knew I could trust.

    That was the actual breakthrough for me. I am now currently in a relationship and while I have made it clear I'm not sure if I'm ready to take it further yet, we are able to talk quite openly.

    I know it can feel like people are judging you but the nurses you spoke about won't be judging you, they have done their job every day and they understand everyone is and has different experiences.

    Alcohol is not a good way of coping, it can make things worse.
    Are you having any support at this momentz?


    hey, I'm doing okay thanks, still struggling though. I'm sorry for what happened to you. I hope it does come, I've missed opportunities with so many nice guys cause of this and it just makes me feel awful that I'm still struggling with it. I'm getting support from woman's aid, and may be starting emdr soon that I'm hoping will help.
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
  • SunshineSoulSunshineSoul Relationship Squadee Posts: 57
    Hi Bubbles :wave:

    ​Thank you for sharing here on The Mix, I am sorry to hear about what you went through. No one should ever have to experience rape. Do you have a support system in place, people whom you can talk to when you are reminded of what you experienced?
    I can't sleep with someone more than once, cause then it means something and I'm terrified ill just get hurt over and over again. I wish I could function normally, but I can't even be in a room alone with a male unless I'm drunk as hell

    ​Am I right to assume that you currently find it difficult to commit to your partners? It is understandable that you feel this way we all deal with trauma in different ways and for you this is how you deal, however if you find that what your doing is becoming dangerous or unhealthy please speak out about it. Always remember to use protection even if you are on a form of birth control as you can still contract STIs. If you are looking for advice and support in terms of relationship commitment head over to our discussion board about this subject here

    ​In terms of trust issues with a potential partner always keep your communication open and never feel ashamed about discussing what happened to you as speaking with a partner will help with your recovery. With that being said, there's no rush or pressure to settle down with someone, we are all different and have diverse beliefs in terms of the relationships we have so do not let the judgements of others affect you as long as you keep yourself safe and you're enjoying yourself then that's okay!

    ​- Sunny :rainbow:



  • PositiveAuraPositiveAura Posts: 150 Settling in
    Hi there BubblesGoesBoo! :wave:

    ​That's such a horrible thing to go through and I'm sorry to hear the struggles you have had since. But it takes a lot of strength to open up and talk about it, so even for that you should be proud of yourself. That can be one of the hardest things to do and you have taken that first step, you have the strength to carry on and heal.

    ​I understand the pressures you feel. Society does push relationships on people but there is absolutely no rush to jump into anything until you are ready.

    ​It is true that a healthy relationship with someone will help heal and when you are ready, communication is the key. So that they know how you feel and there is mutual respect and care.
    ​But if you are not there yet then that can come over time. When you are ready, you can meet someone then and it will be much healthier and positive.

    To get here, have you thought about taking time for yourself to find ways to heal and explore yourself? Find the joy in life, maybe even take up a hobby? Perhaps in places other than a bar setting? Follow what you like and spend time doing these things to lift your spirits and move away from places that may make you feel triggered, pressured or anxious.
    I've found that when I am most comfortable with myself and enjoying life, relationships and trust become easier. :confused:

    ​It sounds like you have some friends around you that do care, and I know it may be overbearing or repetitive but their worries come out of love. Are you able to open up to them about any more of this?

    ​It's great that you are getting help from Women's Aid. Again, it takes a lot to even seek them out, and remind yourself that you are here and getting through it!

    ​As @SunshineSoul mentioned: try to use protection even if you are on birth control to make sure you are safe from STIs etc.

    And remember that everyone is on a different journey and we all have different experiences. No one can tell you what to do or what is best because they haven't had the same experiences as you. So always follow what you want and what is best for you. :)

    -PositiveAura.:)
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 3,589 Community Veteran
    Hi Bubbles :wave:

    ​Thank you for sharing here on The Mix, I am sorry to hear about what you went through. No one should ever have to experience rape. Do you have a support system in place, people whom you can talk to when you are reminded of what you experienced?

    I do ish, I have a woman's aid worker but we don't really talk about what happened, it's one thing to write it, but it's still hard to say it out loud. My family and close friends know but that's it, so when none of them are around nobody understands the flashbacks. I don't use protection cause I'm always drunk when I have sex, and honestly, indolent know if it's depression or what but I'm at the point I don't really care if i get something.

    I'm too scared to tell people about what happened out of fear they'll run the other way, or just deem me as damaged. It's a vicious cycle and i cant find the exit. :crying:
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 3,589 Community Veteran
    Hi there BubblesGoesBoo! :wave:

    ​That's such a horrible thing to go through and I'm sorry to hear the struggles you have had since. But it takes a lot of strength to open up and talk about it, so even for that you should be proud of yourself. That can be one of the hardest things to do and you have taken that first step, you have the strength to carry on and heal.

    -PositiveAura.:)

    it's weird, but i think opening up made it worse, like I was forced to tell people before i could process it myself, and i wasn't ready. All my friends are in relationships and im jealous how they can trust someone that much, i just can't get my head around it, like I just don't see trust as a thing anymore.
    as for hobbies, theres not much around here to do, and I don't have much spare time, and when I do I just spend it in bed 'recovering'

    I do find woman's aid helpful to a degree, but we haven't really spoken about what happened as im not ready, once again I was forced into seeing them and they won't wait til I'm ready.. they just keep seeing me til i am, which will be God knows when, and i just feel like I'm wasting their time now
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Bubbles!

    It seems that you're aware that a good next step forward would be to focus on processing your situation and emotions yourself, so that's something positive! This is easy for me to say of course, but it can be a difficult challenge. However, perhaps it'd be a good idea to focus on that for now and try not to feel pressured into talking to someone until you feel ready? As @PositiveAura suggested, maybe try taking up a hobby or doing recreational activities? These can help provide a distraction in case you ever get too overwhelmed by processing and confronting your situation :)

    No-one's judging you here - if you use sex as a short-term outlet then that's absolutely fine, as long as you stay safe (both sexually and physically), which it sounds like you are doing! I'm no expert, but I bet that those nurses have seen so much, I doubt they judge you. Even if they are, they're in no position to.

    If you're able to process it yourself in your head then it should be easier to open up in-person. Have you considered asking to communicate with Woman's Aid via email or phone if you don't feel like talking in person?

    ~Kaze
  • PositiveAuraPositiveAura Posts: 150 Settling in
    Hi Bubbles :wave:

    ​I understand what you mean about being ready and opening up to soon. This is all about you and how you are doing. Try not to worry about others too much (I know that this is easier said than done) this is about you. About yourself and being comfortable and moving forward. With this in mind, what others think or how they may be rushing you doesn't matter. It's when you are ready.

    ​Just like with Women's Aid, they have so much experience and will provide you with whatever you need so try not to feel like you are wasting their time because I guarantee they don't feel that way at all. :)​ I agree with Kaze here, maybe trying to contact them through email or phone before in-person could help to introduce it all and slowly move forward?

    ​I hear what you are saying about trust and I just want to let you know that you aren't the only one feeling that way. Trust can be such a big barrier for so many people and even though your friends around you are in relationships, I'm sure they have some problems they all overcome too (even though these may be small) things always seem perfect on the outside but usually they aren't. I know that this isn't a comparison but I want to just reassure you that it is ok to feel how you are feeling and each relationship is different. The most important thing is healing yourself so that you are happier and fulfilled in the future.

    Being open to a new relationship is a big first step. Some people wouldn't be able to even face this - and even though you are talking about the different barriers you want to overcome - you are still open to the future and are talking about one day being ready for a new relationship - remember that strength. :)

    ​I hope some of this helps.

    ​We are all here to listen and places like Women's Aid are too. Never feel like you are alone, no matter when you are ready or how long that may take. It is all completely up to you. And as for hobbies, I know being busy can get in the way but what things are you interested in? Maybe we could suggest some things?

    ​-PositiveAura:rainbow2:
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