Need support urgently? Head to this thread.
Very suicidal, isolated and lonely. TW
i dont expect anyone to read all this or reply cause i know its long. But i just hate being with my own thoughts.
I am thinking about killing myself sooo much i am not trying hard enoigh to get better. I cant stand the feeling of waking up anymore. Its horrible knowing i have to live amother day. I just want to end this suffering like now. I cant do it anymore. Always think it wont affect many peolle as selfish as sounds and in few years it wont even matter to anyone. Cause we all die anyway its apart of life.
And when wake up i just think about the time i could off dead when they should have lefted me there,they should of left me to die. Or i wake up thinking maybe i could die today, get run over or something.
I cant see past dying atm so i will contiune to stay in bed and not do anything with my edication and wait til i find the corauge to kill nyself. I just dunno a way foward or how to stop.
All i seem to be doing recently is thinking about harming myself but not even having the corauge to do that half the time but my thoights are just getting louder and fast
I was depressed and had friends and could still find motivation to do things like my gcse and do well in them. But now all is happening is its getting worse not better. I am getting more unmotivated to do things and cant mantain friends.
I think something thats gettint me so down which seems small is being lonely. I have no friends cause i dont keep in contact with them. Being a round people is too much for me. I am thinking so much about killin myself i cant hear what people are saying or focus on what they are saying. I just cant process what they are saying while trying to process what my mind is saying at the same time. Its so frustating and makes me want to cry so much. I find it so much effort to reply back to peoplr i think to deeply and feel judged so i dont bothered and dont see much point when everyone leave or dies in the end and that hurts and dunno if its worth it. Or what causes more damage. Being by myself or having to deal with greif. I know iam selfish and self centre.
I cant really socialise. I am too awkward soemtimes and its stressful so i dont see where that is goong to get me when i would really like a job in helping people. I dont want to stay in a job helping people find their clothes in a shop. I want an actual carrer but i cant see that happening. So my life is getting no where and i have nothing going for me. I have no reasons to get out of bed anymore expect for on weekeneds which i dreeed like now.
At one point i was having so much support from services like some weeks i woiod have an appointment eveeyday with many different services. Then they all dropped me at once and feel alone and abandonded I felt a lot better when someone woild ask me about my week and would look like they cared. And i think my family care about me but i dont think they do when only recently they have asked me where all my supoorr has gone. If they cared enough they wouod of asked when it stopped ages ago and would be just interested but na.
I just dont know what i want to happen in my life to make things better nothing seems to make things better. I just want to lock myself in my room, see no body, distance myself even more and just die. Some days i feel even holding my own body weight takes all the energy out of me and rather lay in bed
I dont feel apart of anything or apart of soemthing or mean much to anyone And just feel disconnect from the world. Like i dont fit here and shouldnt of been born and everyone else seems to know how to live their life. People around me seem to know how it is done.
And when people invite me to things instead of thinking about how i may find joy in it i just think- id rather die then do that. And it feels so forced and life feels so forced. Didnt choose to live, maybe as s sperm i wanted to but like different now obviously
All i would like sometimes is for things to of neverof happened but that is not possible going to never feel better
I am just losing the will to live and just want to end it. I have more reasons to die then i have to live.
if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it