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Very suicidal, isolated and lonely. TW

SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
in Health & Wellbeing
i dont expect anyone to read all this or reply cause i know its long. But i just hate being with my own thoughts.


I am thinking about killing myself sooo much i am not trying hard enoigh to get better. I cant stand the feeling of waking up anymore. Its horrible knowing i have to live amother day. I just want to end this suffering like now. I cant do it anymore. Always think it wont affect many peolle as selfish as sounds and in few years it wont even matter to anyone. Cause we all die anyway its apart of life.

And when wake up i just think about the time i could off dead when they should have lefted me there,they should of left me to die. Or i wake up thinking maybe i could die today, get run over or something.
I cant see past dying atm so i will contiune to stay in bed and not do anything with my edication and wait til i find the corauge to kill nyself. I just dunno a way foward or how to stop.


All i seem to be doing recently is thinking about harming myself but not even having the corauge to do that half the time but my thoights are just getting louder and fast

I was depressed and had friends and could still find motivation to do things like my gcse and do well in them. But now all is happening is its getting worse not better. I am getting more unmotivated to do things and cant mantain friends.

I think something thats gettint me so down which seems small is being lonely. I have no friends cause i dont keep in contact with them. Being a round people is too much for me. I am thinking so much about killin myself i cant hear what people are saying or focus on what they are saying. I just cant process what they are saying while trying to process what my mind is saying at the same time. Its so frustating and makes me want to cry so much. I find it so much effort to reply back to peoplr i think to deeply and feel judged so i dont bothered and dont see much point when everyone leave or dies in the end and that hurts and dunno if its worth it. Or what causes more damage. Being by myself or having to deal with greif. I know iam selfish and self centre.

I cant really socialise. I am too awkward soemtimes and its stressful so i dont see where that is goong to get me when i would really like a job in helping people. I dont want to stay in a job helping people find their clothes in a shop. I want an actual carrer but i cant see that happening. So my life is getting no where and i have nothing going for me. I have no reasons to get out of bed anymore expect for on weekeneds which i dreeed like now.

At one point i was having so much support from services like some weeks i woiod have an appointment eveeyday with many different services. Then they all dropped me at once and feel alone and abandonded I felt a lot better when someone woild ask me about my week and would look like they cared. And i think my family care about me but i dont think they do when only recently they have asked me where all my supoorr has gone. If they cared enough they wouod of asked when it stopped ages ago and would be just interested but na.

I just dont know what i want to happen in my life to make things better nothing seems to make things better. I just want to lock myself in my room, see no body, distance myself even more and just die. Some days i feel even holding my own body weight takes all the energy out of me and rather lay in bed

I dont feel apart of anything or apart of soemthing or mean much to anyone And just feel disconnect from the world. Like i dont fit here and shouldnt of been born and everyone else seems to know how to live their life. People around me seem to know how it is done.

And when people invite me to things instead of thinking about how i may find joy in it i just think- id rather die then do that. And it feels so forced and life feels so forced. Didnt choose to live, maybe as s sperm i wanted to but like different now obviously

All i would like sometimes is for things to of neverof happened but that is not possible going to never feel better

I am just losing the will to live and just want to end it. I have more reasons to die then i have to live.
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 21 Boards Initiate
    When reading this I felt loads of similarities in most of the paragraphs with how I’m feeling at the moment. I don’t think I’m on the verge of suicide and not that near it for now but for most other things I definitely felt similar.
    It really upset me when reading this that you’re hating you life so much that you want to end it. I want you to know that I’d genuinely love to talk,. I totally get how you’re feeling and I really hate it too. Often I just wanna lie in bed and cry about how my life has got no future as all my grades are falling and my lack of friends cause me to stay inside most of the time.
    I know so far I haven’t really motivated you to not commit suicide but I beg you not to. I know that you think that your family won’t care after a few years but the definitely will, I knew someone who’s brother killed himself and when the mother saw she too died but she blamed herself. Death is a really horrible thing and everyone has ups and downs in life, at the moment you’re in a major down but things get better, your life will get better. I’ll be here for you and maybe you for me as I definitely think I’m in a down area at the moment.

    I really hope that you’ll be happier soon and I really want you to remove suicide as an option as I’ll probably cry if you don’t reply 😄
    Hope to talk soon
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Hey James
    Thank you so very much. Thats very lovely of you. Im sorry you feel similar :( cause is horrible. :( but does help that atleast im not alone with how i feel. you can always private message me or something on hereif youdlike and ill be more than happy to listen to you and help in anyway!:)
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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