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How do I learn to not take on his stuff?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Riotbf is going through a lot of stuff right now - moving house, debt issues, his ex has mental health issues and struggles to cope looking after their child yet won't consider letting him live with Riotbf, and dealing with normal day to day stresses.
I've come home after spending the day helping him sort out stuff for moving and staying the night and I feel so incredibly stressed out now and I know most of it is stress that's nothing to do with me, but I know because I care about him I want to help him sort things out and I'm taking on some of his stress. It's making me feel awful - I know he's feeling pretty crap ATM, he's not sleeping properly, not eating well, and struggling to get by financially (hence moving), but I seem to come home feeling really on edge (although I've got enough on my plate right now). What can I do so I'm still caring but not taking his stuff on board too??
I've come home after spending the day helping him sort out stuff for moving and staying the night and I feel so incredibly stressed out now and I know most of it is stress that's nothing to do with me, but I know because I care about him I want to help him sort things out and I'm taking on some of his stress. It's making me feel awful - I know he's feeling pretty crap ATM, he's not sleeping properly, not eating well, and struggling to get by financially (hence moving), but I seem to come home feeling really on edge (although I've got enough on my plate right now). What can I do so I'm still caring but not taking his stuff on board too??
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Another thing is making sure that you have support too. Whether that is talking to someone on here, a close family member or someone you can trust. Obviously you wouldn't talk about him behind his back about anything really personal, but having someone there to support you is vital if you are going to be a good support system yourself for someone.
Is it possible that you could try and get into a routine where you try and eliminate the stress a little, perhaps through a creative hobby or venting in a journal, and then 'put it away' for the rest of the night after you come home? Make sure you do the little things like eating well and having time to watch your favourite TV or have a bath too.
He's just found out that he's been given a CCJ without his knowledge so his credit is totally shot, and considering he owes 12k or more he might need to consider becoming bankrupt. That's a huge stress in itself let alone everything else that's going on!
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Taking a step back from things might help with not trying to take on all of his stuff. It sounds like a lot of what he's got going on falls firmly into the category of normal life. If you can see things like that it might be easier not to worry about them. Yes, he's got a financial problem but you've just said yourself that he can't do anything about that until he's moved, in which case he's actually dealing with normal life.
I'm not sure I agree with the bit about not leaving it til after the move, unless the move is in the next week, because there will always be an excuse but that's a separate point.