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How do I learn to not take on his stuff?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
Riotbf is going through a lot of stuff right now - moving house, debt issues, his ex has mental health issues and struggles to cope looking after their child yet won't consider letting him live with Riotbf, and dealing with normal day to day stresses.

I've come home after spending the day helping him sort out stuff for moving and staying the night and I feel so incredibly stressed out now and I know most of it is stress that's nothing to do with me, but I know because I care about him I want to help him sort things out and I'm taking on some of his stress. It's making me feel awful - I know he's feeling pretty crap ATM, he's not sleeping properly, not eating well, and struggling to get by financially (hence moving), but I seem to come home feeling really on edge (although I've got enough on my plate right now). What can I do so I'm still caring but not taking his stuff on board too??

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That is a really tough situation. I think what you have to try and realise is that any little thing you can do to help him is actually a big thing. Having someone there to support him, listen to him and maybe help a little practically will mean a great deal, so don't go feeling you have to do anything massive to make a difference. Just being a supportive person and providing love and care is all you will need to do, so don't immerse yourself too much.

    Another thing is making sure that you have support too. Whether that is talking to someone on here, a close family member or someone you can trust. Obviously you wouldn't talk about him behind his back about anything really personal, but having someone there to support you is vital if you are going to be a good support system yourself for someone.

    Is it possible that you could try and get into a routine where you try and eliminate the stress a little, perhaps through a creative hobby or venting in a journal, and then 'put it away' for the rest of the night after you come home? Make sure you do the little things like eating well and having time to watch your favourite TV or have a bath too.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've been talking to my mum about it a little but I don't want to tell her everything because I don't want her to get a bad image of him, she currently really likes him. I also need to have a bit more me time - it's difficult when I've got 2 3,500 word essays needing doing too.

    He's just found out that he's been given a CCJ without his knowledge so his credit is totally shot, and considering he owes 12k or more he might need to consider becoming bankrupt. That's a huge stress in itself let alone everything else that's going on!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hate to sound like a broken record, but...

    www.StepChange.org
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yep I know but right this moment he needs to get the move out of the way before he can start looking at sorting out his debt issues. His ex also seems on the verge of having a breakdown so he's having to go and put the little one to bed and sit him for a while a couple of nights during the week as well. There's so much going on on top of the financial issues.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Or to put it another way, he's got to put his son to bed a couple of nights a week, and move house.

    Taking a step back from things might help with not trying to take on all of his stuff. It sounds like a lot of what he's got going on falls firmly into the category of normal life. If you can see things like that it might be easier not to worry about them. Yes, he's got a financial problem but you've just said yourself that he can't do anything about that until he's moved, in which case he's actually dealing with normal life.

    I'm not sure I agree with the bit about not leaving it til after the move, unless the move is in the next week, because there will always be an excuse but that's a separate point.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I do get your point about it's being normal life, and I guess that doesn't make it easier for him to deal with (isn't moving meant to be one of the most stressful things in life to do?) but it does put it into perspective for me in a way - it's not crisis situations (yet anyway with regards to his ex). The move is next weekend, so it's fixing sorting and boxing this weekend and looking after his little one.
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