If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
Musings on marriage.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
What are your opinions on marriage? Do you want to get married? Can you share your reasons why or why not?
How soon after getting with your partner did either pop the big question and how soon did you get married?
Did you just know that that person was the "one"?
I am just curious because at my age my mother had three children had been married for four year...I have done neither of these things!!
How soon after getting with your partner did either pop the big question and how soon did you get married?
Did you just know that that person was the "one"?
I am just curious because at my age my mother had three children had been married for four year...I have done neither of these things!!
0
Comments
I know when the time's right it'll happen for me
I'm in no rush, I like the idea of marriage and would be keen when the time seems right.
It's the whole "keeping up with the Jones'" mentality that is responsible for so many divorces/broken homes IMO.
"All my friends are doing it" is a shit reason to get married or have a baby, but people who are in relationships are made to feel bad for not wanting to get married, and then once they are married it's all about churning out kids :eek2:
People should absolutely go at their own pace.
Personally i think marriage is a waste of time anyway. Betting someone half your stuff that you'll love them forever.....
Marrying someone used to be a sign of commitment. These days i don't think it means anything....don't the people getting married for a 4th or 5th time think to themselves "Maybe i am not cut out for a long term relationship"!
And yes, I'm separated from my wife, waiting to divorce.
I probably would marry again actually. I think it's the only sensible relationship structure to bring children into. It does end, it did in my case, but the kids will be protected because one partner can't just walk away. For all the arguments that 40% of marriages fail, the stats prove they still last longer and provide more security than co-habiting.
When Civil Partnerships came in, I was surprised that I actually felt quite strongly that they weren't enough; hearing people in those early 2002/03 debates saying people like me don't deserve it made me realise that I deserve stability and societal recognition as much as anyone else. It also made me realise that stable unmarried partnership should have the same state recognition as marriage (for tax break purposes, etc.)
I want to get married, I want to work hard to stay married, I am also grateful that we no longer hold divorce as an unspeakable taboo because things and people change and it's important to acknowledge that.
But do they last longer because they are happier, or because once married a person might feel obligated to stay with someone despite being incredibly unhappy?
I would rather be the child of two happy single parents than two people married to each other despite the fact they clearly hate each other.
I honestly believe you should only be able to get married once (unles your partner dies). How can marriage be taken seriously when people are vowing to love and honour someone "til death parts us" for the 4th or 5th time in their life?
It would do people no harm to actually stop and think before walking down the aisle IMO. And i say that as someone who actually relies on divorce to earn a living
I've always wondered if people marrying for the 2nd or whatever other time feel weird about doing the whole thing again and promising the same vows to another person. My Dad just got married for the 2nd time and they're really happy, unlike when my parents were together. Everyone in the family always said they should never have gotten married because they just weren't well suited. In all honesty my mum just wanted a man to look after her and have kids with, they grew apart over the last 5/6 years they were together and in the end my dad had an affair. They slugged on for another year and then eventually split for good. They should have done it years before. But they were young (24 and 25, which is scary because I'm 23 now) when they got married and it was just seen as the thing to do. You don't always get it round first time round but that's not to say you should be denied another chance. But when people are on their 4th/5th etc marriages after separating from them all I do raise my eyebrows a bit and wonder how seriously they're taking it.
It might end in divorce, of course it might. Shit happens, and life happens, and sometimes people change, or grow apart, or were just monumentally unsuited in the first place. But as long as you went into in truly believing that it was the right thing, and that it was for life, I don't see the shame in marrying a second or third time after things go wrong. Do agree that after 4 or 5 times you probably need to get to grips with the fact that you are either shit at marriage or hopelessly unlucky!
Oh, and to answer the OP, we were engaged after a year, married 6 months after that. Seems pretty quick, but at that point we'd been working together 4 years (in a very small room!), so I knew a lot about him. My mum was married at 21, so I had already endured the 'at your age' conversation for many, many years!
Same! A friend of mine is about 6 months older than me. She's been married for about 2 years and is expecting her first child. At my age, my mum had been married for a year and already had their first child. They weren't that far off expecting their second (me) either.
Right, so you think staying together for the kids is bad yet you'd abolish divorce. Make your mind up. You can't have it both ways.
The fact it is harder to end a marriage than a cohabiting relationship probably does affect the divorce rate. But I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing. It encourages people to try and make a go of it, and that's what it should be about.
As an aside, there's one thing that pisses me off more than anything, and that's the idea that people who end up divorcing simply didn't think things through properly. Er, no. Shit happens.
Why? People have reasons to split up and want to marry again. Why should they be denied this? Most people do think things like marriage through first. But people change.
I've had the "when I was your age" talk too. One of them was "when I was your age, I had no interest in relationships, got my first girlfriend at 25 and got married [to someone else] 11 years later".
When I was 20 /21, I had someone tell me if I don't have a boyfriend now, I would never have one.
Well, tbh i think marriage is totally pointless and outdated....it's a piece of paper, one that despite what society tells you... you do not need to be in love or be a happy family. So i'd probably get rid of marriage altogether.
I am just musing (see thread title). Obviously marriage/divorce isn't going to be abolished.....i just think that if marriage is going to exist then it should be taken a bit more seriously than they are now.
Maybe the person who petitions for the divorce shouldn't be allowed to marry again for a certain period of time? I don't know. Obviously if your wife/husband ups and leaves you that isn't really your fault.
The amount of people i know who have been engaged/married 2 or 3 times before the age of 40 is frightening. Surely it reaches a point where it just doesn't mean anything anymore?
Even if the reason for divorce is for something like the other person being unfaithful, etc? At one point, a friend was planning on divorcing his wife due to her mental illness. (because she's really not well and he couldn't deal with it) Are you suggesting that he should have to be forced to wai to marry, if they did go through with the divorce?
You have a point on the unfaithful thing.
Re your friend...I know from personal experience how tough being married/related to someone with severe mental illness can be, but aren't part of traditional marriage vows "For better or for worse"?
If he can't deal with it and wants to leave/get divorced then fine, but it seems stupid to me that he can divorce, and then promise to be with someone else "for better or worse" six months down the line if he so chooses.
Kind of makes a mockery of the whole thing no?
I am going into a discussion with you about this; but it's not as simple as you're making it out to be.
My wife left me. She says she couldn't deal with my mental health problems. I agree on "for better for worse", and think she didn't agree on this enough, but wouldn't want her to stay and be bitter and miserable. I've moved on and have a lovely new woman. And you're telling me I'm wrong if I should want to marry her? Haway.
Assume you mean you aren't going to get into a discussion, which is a shame as i thought that was the point of a discussion board....but
I don't claim it to be simple, nor do i know your friends exact personal circumstances. I just feel if you are going to promise to "love and honour someone for better for worse for richer or poorer" etc you should take it VERY seriously.
and feel that many people don't.....
I think most people take it seriously, at the time. I know some of the people you mentioned, who are on second marriages in their mid-thirties, and I don't know any of them who didn't truly believe at the point they were married, that they were marrying for life. But life had other plans.
Also worth pointing out that the 'for better, for worse' bit is not part of a civil marriage, so it's not a given that people even promised it. The only legally required statements in a civil wedding are that you are legally available to marry, and declaring in front of witnesses that you take the other person to be your wife/husband.
I couldn't imagine my life any other way
And no, we don't have kids. We like going out, going on holidays and doing things as a couple. Being able to announce that we're going on holiday next week during term time is awesome lol.
Essentially, I'm against marriage due to its history and its strong ties to religion. I think that either civil partnerships should be nationally recognized so partners can receive the same benefits as married couples everywhere or the government needs to stay out of relationships and stop denying couples, trios, groups etc. the "perks" of marriage. I have zero intention of ever marrying my partner of 8 years (or anybody else, if I get fed up of the fingernail clippings on the night stand), but I should get to see him if he is in the hospital, get tax breaks, health insurance...
Essentially the same argument that people use for gay marriage, except I'm against the actual marriage part.