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Musings on marriage.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
What are your opinions on marriage? Do you want to get married? Can you share your reasons why or why not?

How soon after getting with your partner did either pop the big question and how soon did you get married?

Did you just know that that person was the "one"?

I am just curious because at my age my mother had three children had been married for four year...I have done neither of these things!!
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would like to get married, but not until my 30's and I don't want children. The rate of which my friends my age are getting engaged/moving in together/buying houses is terrifying. But it's not a one size fits all situation.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's sort of how I feel a bit ballerina. A huge portion of the people I went to school with are now getting engaged or married and will in no time be producing babies. I just worry I am getting a little bit left behind!

    I know when the time's right it'll happen for me ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah don't worry about it. Getting my career on track is my main priority at the moment, being self sufficient is really important to me so I'm never dependent on someone else for money.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've relatively recently got myself a proper boyfriend - and the persistent question seems to be 'so, are we hearing wedding bells then'.

    I'm in no rush, I like the idea of marriage and would be keen when the time seems right.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm surprised you're being asked that so soon. Usually after a few years couples seem to start getting elbowed to take 'the next step'. It's annoying how marriage is still sometimes seen as 'the thing to do next' rather than being something people can do if they feel it's right for them with no pressure. I always get a bit annoyed at women who drop massive hints to their SOs all the time about popping the question. Surely that takes away the surprise/romance element?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Curvy_lass wrote: »
    I just worry I am getting a little bit left behind!

    It's the whole "keeping up with the Jones'" mentality that is responsible for so many divorces/broken homes IMO.

    "All my friends are doing it" is a shit reason to get married or have a baby, but people who are in relationships are made to feel bad for not wanting to get married, and then once they are married it's all about churning out kids :eek2:

    People should absolutely go at their own pace.

    Personally i think marriage is a waste of time anyway. Betting someone half your stuff that you'll love them forever.....

    Marrying someone used to be a sign of commitment. These days i don't think it means anything....don't the people getting married for a 4th or 5th time think to themselves "Maybe i am not cut out for a long term relationship"!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not so keen on the idea of marriage, more on the idea of opposite sex (or not) civil partnership. I have no deadline, as soon or as late as feels right. I've been engaged once before after 5 months. I handed the ring back a month later and walked away! Not ready to do that again in a hurry.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My OH doesn't agree with the whole 'getting engaged thing'. He thinks is a silly tradition that reinforces gender roles and that an engagement ring is just a symbol of ownership. I see what he's saying but the romantic in me still wants to be asked one day and have a pretty ring. He'd rather just skip that bit and just be like 'Shall we get married?' one day. So I guess I'm never getting a pretty ring :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Done properly, marriage is not "betting half your stuff". It's about building a joint life. If it breaks up, of course you're going to lose half of that joint life, but it'll be more than you started with.

    And yes, I'm separated from my wife, waiting to divorce.

    I probably would marry again actually. I think it's the only sensible relationship structure to bring children into. It does end, it did in my case, but the kids will be protected because one partner can't just walk away. For all the arguments that 40% of marriages fail, the stats prove they still last longer and provide more security than co-habiting.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I grew up being very hurt by the idea I would never be able to marry.

    When Civil Partnerships came in, I was surprised that I actually felt quite strongly that they weren't enough; hearing people in those early 2002/03 debates saying people like me don't deserve it made me realise that I deserve stability and societal recognition as much as anyone else. It also made me realise that stable unmarried partnership should have the same state recognition as marriage (for tax break purposes, etc.)

    I want to get married, I want to work hard to stay married, I am also grateful that we no longer hold divorce as an unspeakable taboo because things and people change and it's important to acknowledge that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    For all the arguments that 40% of marriages fail, the stats prove they still last longer and provide more security than co-habiting.

    But do they last longer because they are happier, or because once married a person might feel obligated to stay with someone despite being incredibly unhappy?

    I would rather be the child of two happy single parents than two people married to each other despite the fact they clearly hate each other.

    I honestly believe you should only be able to get married once (unles your partner dies). How can marriage be taken seriously when people are vowing to love and honour someone "til death parts us" for the 4th or 5th time in their life?

    It would do people no harm to actually stop and think before walking down the aisle IMO. And i say that as someone who actually relies on divorce to earn a living :D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Neddy wrote: »
    But do they last longer because they are happier, or because once married a person might feel obligated to stay with someone despite being incredibly unhappy?

    I would rather be the child of two happy single parents than two people married to each other despite the fact they clearly hate each other.

    I honestly believe you should only be able to get married once (unles your partner dies). How can marriage be taken seriously when people are vowing to love and honour someone "til death parts us" for the 4th or 5th time in their life?

    It would do people no harm to actually stop and think before walking down the aisle IMO. And i say that as someone who actually relies on divorce to earn a living :D

    I've always wondered if people marrying for the 2nd or whatever other time feel weird about doing the whole thing again and promising the same vows to another person. My Dad just got married for the 2nd time and they're really happy, unlike when my parents were together. Everyone in the family always said they should never have gotten married because they just weren't well suited. In all honesty my mum just wanted a man to look after her and have kids with, they grew apart over the last 5/6 years they were together and in the end my dad had an affair. They slugged on for another year and then eventually split for good. They should have done it years before. But they were young (24 and 25, which is scary because I'm 23 now) when they got married and it was just seen as the thing to do. You don't always get it round first time round but that's not to say you should be denied another chance. But when people are on their 4th/5th etc marriages after separating from them all I do raise my eyebrows a bit and wonder how seriously they're taking it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've been married five years this year, so obviously am in favour! As AR says, it is about building a life together, and about providing a stable, protected environment to raise kids in.

    It might end in divorce, of course it might. Shit happens, and life happens, and sometimes people change, or grow apart, or were just monumentally unsuited in the first place. But as long as you went into in truly believing that it was the right thing, and that it was for life, I don't see the shame in marrying a second or third time after things go wrong. Do agree that after 4 or 5 times you probably need to get to grips with the fact that you are either shit at marriage or hopelessly unlucky!

    Oh, and to answer the OP, we were engaged after a year, married 6 months after that. Seems pretty quick, but at that point we'd been working together 4 years (in a very small room!), so I knew a lot about him. My mum was married at 21, so I had already endured the 'at your age' conversation for many, many years!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Double post!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ballerina wrote: »
    The rate of which my friends my age are getting engaged/moving in together/buying houses is terrifying.

    Same! A friend of mine is about 6 months older than me. She's been married for about 2 years and is expecting her first child. At my age, my mum had been married for a year and already had their first child. They weren't that far off expecting their second (me) either.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    Kaff wrote: »
    I've been married five years this year
    Sorry for the off-topic, but I misread that as "five times this year" :D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah one of my exes has been married for a year and I've had the 'when I was your age I was married with 2 kids' talk from my grandma. I'm nowhere near mature enough to get married. I've only just got into another relationship after being single for the best part of 5 years. I'm still getting used to doing the whole girlfriend thing again yet. Certainly no rush.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Neddy wrote: »
    I would rather be the child of two happy single parents than two people married to each other despite the fact they clearly hate each other.

    I honestly believe you should only be able to get married once (unles your partner dies).

    Right, so you think staying together for the kids is bad yet you'd abolish divorce. Make your mind up. You can't have it both ways.

    The fact it is harder to end a marriage than a cohabiting relationship probably does affect the divorce rate. But I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing. It encourages people to try and make a go of it, and that's what it should be about.

    As an aside, there's one thing that pisses me off more than anything, and that's the idea that people who end up divorcing simply didn't think things through properly. Er, no. Shit happens.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Neddy wrote: »
    I honestly believe you should only be able to get married once (unles your partner dies). How can marriage be taken seriously when people are vowing to love and honour someone "til death parts us" for the 4th or 5th time in their life?

    Why? People have reasons to split up and want to marry again. Why should they be denied this? Most people do think things like marriage through first. But people change.

    I've had the "when I was your age" talk too. One of them was "when I was your age, I had no interest in relationships, got my first girlfriend at 25 and got married [to someone else] 11 years later".

    When I was 20 /21, I had someone tell me if I don't have a boyfriend now, I would never have one. :confused:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Right, so you think staying together for the kids is bad yet you'd abolish divorce. Make your mind up. You can't have it both ways.

    Well, tbh i think marriage is totally pointless and outdated....it's a piece of paper, one that despite what society tells you... you do not need to be in love or be a happy family. So i'd probably get rid of marriage altogether.

    I am just musing (see thread title). Obviously marriage/divorce isn't going to be abolished.....i just think that if marriage is going to exist then it should be taken a bit more seriously than they are now.

    Maybe the person who petitions for the divorce shouldn't be allowed to marry again for a certain period of time? I don't know. Obviously if your wife/husband ups and leaves you that isn't really your fault.

    The amount of people i know who have been engaged/married 2 or 3 times before the age of 40 is frightening. Surely it reaches a point where it just doesn't mean anything anymore?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Neddy wrote: »
    Maybe the person who petitions for the divorce shouldn't be allowed to marry again for a certain period of time? I don't know. Obviously if your wife/husband ups and leaves you that isn't really your fault.

    Even if the reason for divorce is for something like the other person being unfaithful, etc? At one point, a friend was planning on divorcing his wife due to her mental illness. (because she's really not well and he couldn't deal with it) Are you suggesting that he should have to be forced to wai to marry, if they did go through with the divorce?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote: »
    Even if the reason for divorce is for something like the other person being unfaithful, etc? At one point, a friend was planning on divorcing his wife due to her mental illness. (because she's really not well and he couldn't deal with it) Are you suggesting that he should have to be forced to wai to marry, if they did go through with the divorce?

    You have a point on the unfaithful thing.

    Re your friend...I know from personal experience how tough being married/related to someone with severe mental illness can be, but aren't part of traditional marriage vows "For better or for worse"?

    If he can't deal with it and wants to leave/get divorced then fine, but it seems stupid to me that he can divorce, and then promise to be with someone else "for better or worse" six months down the line if he so chooses.

    Kind of makes a mockery of the whole thing no?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Neddy wrote: »
    You have a point on the unfaithful thing.

    Re your friend...I know from personal experience how tough being married/related to someone with severe mental illness can be, but aren't part of traditional marriage vows "For better or for worse"?

    If he can't deal with it and wants to leave/get divorced then fine, but it seems stupid to me that he can divorce, and then promise to be with someone else "for better or worse" six months down the line if he so chooses.

    Kind of makes a mockery of the whole thing no?

    I am going into a discussion with you about this; but it's not as simple as you're making it out to be.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The person petitioning for divorce is the one alleging infidelity or unreasonable behaviour. They're technically the wronged party.

    My wife left me. She says she couldn't deal with my mental health problems. I agree on "for better for worse", and think she didn't agree on this enough, but wouldn't want her to stay and be bitter and miserable. I've moved on and have a lovely new woman. And you're telling me I'm wrong if I should want to marry her? Haway.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote: »
    I am going into a discussion with you about this; but it's not as simple as you're making it out to be.

    Assume you mean you aren't going to get into a discussion, which is a shame as i thought that was the point of a discussion board....but

    I don't claim it to be simple, nor do i know your friends exact personal circumstances. I just feel if you are going to promise to "love and honour someone for better for worse for richer or poorer" etc you should take it VERY seriously.

    and feel that many people don't.....
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Neddy wrote: »
    I just feel if you are going to promise to "love and honour someone for better for worse for richer or poorer" etc you should take it VERY seriously.

    and feel that many people don't.....

    I think most people take it seriously, at the time. I know some of the people you mentioned, who are on second marriages in their mid-thirties, and I don't know any of them who didn't truly believe at the point they were married, that they were marrying for life. But life had other plans.

    Also worth pointing out that the 'for better, for worse' bit is not part of a civil marriage, so it's not a given that people even promised it. The only legally required statements in a civil wedding are that you are legally available to marry, and declaring in front of witnesses that you take the other person to be your wife/husband.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'll have been married 6 years next month. We met at college, started going out at 18, bought a house at 21, got married at 24.
    I couldn't imagine my life any other way :)

    And no, we don't have kids. We like going out, going on holidays and doing things as a couple. Being able to announce that we're going on holiday next week during term time is awesome lol.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Meh, nevermind. Too early and not enough coffee to make an argument that makes sense!

    Essentially, I'm against marriage due to its history and its strong ties to religion. I think that either civil partnerships should be nationally recognized so partners can receive the same benefits as married couples everywhere or the government needs to stay out of relationships and stop denying couples, trios, groups etc. the "perks" of marriage. I have zero intention of ever marrying my partner of 8 years (or anybody else, if I get fed up of the fingernail clippings on the night stand), but I should get to see him if he is in the hospital, get tax breaks, health insurance...

    Essentially the same argument that people use for gay marriage, except I'm against the actual marriage part.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'd love to get married to my boyfriend/baby daddeh.. I am one of those annoying people that hint at him..quite a lot. But apparently it's too big of a commitment. Ho ho. The joker :yeees:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am 27 and I got married in February after being with my husband for almost 5 years. He popped the question after we had been together for almost 3 years. I knew he was the one from the moment we got together. We bought our first house together after just a year so we were pretty much committed to each other when we did that really. Marriage hasn't really changed anything for us. However, I love being married. I love being a wife and I just love having his name :)
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