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Dating other people whilse already dating somebody?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ive been 'dating' somebody for a just over a month now. I told her my feelings, and that i'm ready to be in a relationship with her, as it feels like we are practically in a relationship, yet we're not!!
I asked her why, and she said 'because im not ready to be in a relationship!'
Then I asked her, what would be the difference once/if we did ever get into a relationship? And she said 'nothing'
I just don't get it!!
For some, just 'seeing somebody' or 'dating somebody' gives them the opportunity to date others and keep their options open.. Is this what she wants?? Can I do the same??
confused!!
I asked her why, and she said 'because im not ready to be in a relationship!'
Then I asked her, what would be the difference once/if we did ever get into a relationship? And she said 'nothing'
I just don't get it!!
For some, just 'seeing somebody' or 'dating somebody' gives them the opportunity to date others and keep their options open.. Is this what she wants?? Can I do the same??
confused!!
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Yes and Yes, and I would urge you to do the same too, because you don't want to get hooked up on her when she sees other dudes.
Since you can set any boundaries upon mutual agreement in a relationship, not wanting to be in one commonly means she wants to see other people, but not openly admit to it via the suggestion of an open relationship. Does not mean she will, she just don't want to feel guilty if she chooses someone else over you. Play along, by all means, why not, take what you get, I'd just have my foot in the door to the way out.
Assume she's not for keeps and keep looking.
I don't doubt that....(well actually i do but moving on :d) ....I think what the OP is looking for is clarification as to what their "relationship" actually is. They go on dates, they presumably sleep together. To the OP they are already together, but she doesn't think so.
She might want to just see each other but keep it casual and not put any pressure on it....or she might want to go out and sleep with other people as well as keeping it casual. There is a world of difference...particularly if the OP wants to be her proper boyfriend!
If the OP wants to be exclusive with her and she wants to see other people (which is what i am sensing), he should end it or face the inevitable hurt. I'm surprised nobody has said that already.
I also honestly believe that if the OP was a girl and the boy was the one saying he didn't want a relationship someone would already have been along and said "he wants to fuck you but also go and fuck other people, you are being used and should get out if you like him"....but maybe that's for another day
You're playing with fire there.
What? Why? I actually agree there. The times I read on there "I've been used by him *sadface*" is astonishing when the situation was like this: She wanted a relationship, he did not = She has been used. Oh no, you consensually had sex with him but then he did not have the same expectations as you regarding how things go on. Bottomline: You did not get used, you willingly let yourself into something you regretted later, period.
Bit offtopic, but neddy is spot on. I'd add the option that if you can convince yourself that nothing serious is coming out of it you may stay a bit for the fun, but that's not everyone's cup of coffee.
There's nothing wrong with seeing multiple people (I, for example, am currently in the process of setting up a date with a married man, and I've already arranged another one with a different married man) as long as ALL parties are aware that that's what the situation is and (crucially) are accepting and comfortable with it.
However, I don't think OP's girl had been particularly unclear. Maybe a bit of clarification on what she does want, but it's ok to just want casual dating, which is kinda what I'm seeing her position as. "Relationship" adds formality and expectations.
Your right, its usually the other way around, but ive made myself clear that im ready for a relationship and she isnt ready yet, not sure why, but i said to her i dont want to be just lead on and then it come to an end! She said 5 weeks is too soon, well for me it isnt, ive seen her nearly every other day and i feel like i know her enough and that im ready to be in a commited relationship!
Ive screen shot this post and sent it to her, and she said the fact ive done this is weird and im pushing her further away!
I said i needed a second and non bias opinion from people who dont know me
It kinda is. I would not have done that. Look, regardless if she will change her mind or not, the only wise thing is to keep a cool head. Not wanting a relationship does not need an explanation it is a statement in itself, i.e. I do not want to bind myself exclusively to you. She just wants dating without stress or responsibility and by confronting her with the opinions of strangers just adds stress and seems like you inquire an explanation or sway her mind, which she did not want to give/do from the get go. She does not want to limit her options and you try to do just that. If I were you now, I'd lay low and see if she comes back.
Like you said, "what will change?" and she said, "nothing." You will keep seeing her and do things together, but what IS the difference a relationship makes? Usually (if not other specified) it means you are exclusive to each other and it therefore (but not just because of that) adds responsibility for the sake of security. She does not want that and you try to force it on her. You are fighting a losing battle, mate.
Because it's diverging from the topic and a bit sexist tbh, it happens to both genders. Sometimes people are only after one thing and use dating as a way to get it and then make a swift exit. But in this case I just think is was a lack of communication and misinterpretations. There's no need to start having a go at what the situation would have been if it was the other way around, it's not helpful.
Neddy made a small paragraph about it and said that it was offtopic (the rest of his reponse was on topic), and it is indeed helpful to point that out, because it reveals double standards that I myself have observed a number of times myself and illustrates the fact that it happens the other way around too. In this case you defended the girl, but I recall from posts on here you being in situations the other way around playing the "using me"-card, which is in actual fact, sexist.
In this case I agreed that it was a lack of communication rather than a 'using' situation. And now you're making things personal - not cool.
What is using someone is when you pretend you want a relationship when actually you just want a fuck buddy. And most people are critical of that, regardless of gender.
As for this girl, I think the OP needs to be very careful. The girl doesn't seem to be giving off mixed messages, it sounds more like the OP is perceiving the niceness as something more. It is perfectly possible to be nice to someone, to be comfortable with them, to sleep with them without wanting to have a relationship with them. I know I've done it.
So if i get asked on a date do i go for it??
If so wat happens if i like the later ?
If you get asked on a date by someone else? Yes absolutely, you should go. Why not? Dates are usually exciting and you have nobody to call you over the coals, the upside of not being in a relationship.
If you like the latter girl you can either, a) go on further dates with her and/or other people, b) Start a relationship with her, if she is up to it.
Is the concept of dating really this difficult?
It was slightly off topic but not totally irrelevant, and as Strubbles said most of what i posted was on topic.
As for being sexist.....explain to me exactly how?
I simply made an observation (i can dig out some threads if you want) that when women in a similiar situation post on this site they are often of the belief (or are told) that the guy is only after one thing and should ditch them to avoid getting hurt. Nobody has offered this guy that advice and i thought it right that someone should as he and this girl appear to have totally different ideas of what they want. It is double standards whether you like it or not.
Also....how can anyone say this girl has been clear about what she wants. "I don't want to be in a relationship" is a cliche.....it could just mean she doesn't want to take it seriously, it could mean that she wants to go out and shag anything that moves for a while.
BTW, if it is the latter, i think that's fine.... as long as she is honest about it. I've got nothing against promiscuous people (male or female), i do hate people who lead on/use people or shag around knowing people are getting hurt.
The OP needs to establish what exactly she is saying before deciding what to do IMO
But OP showing her this thread was a terrible idea. Nobody, and i mean nobody, wants details of their private life all over the internet....
No but i think it would maybe feel like i'm cheating cus i feel like i'm in a relationship...
I keep asking her, as to what she wants as i'll
So bloody confused i dont know what to think as she still hasnt made it clear, and she said im pushing her furter away!! Ive never met anybody who hasnt been clear about their intentions! Its really not nice!
'I don't want to be in a relationship' is pretty clear I think. It means exactly that. However if she's still wanting to see him then obviously that will be confusing and she needs to clarify exactly what she wants. I would take it at face value and be inclined to drop it though. It isn't really worth the hassle.
And the people that lead on/use/shag around and hurt people are the ones I have a problem with too. It happens a lot which I think is why people often just advise to cut and run, which I don't think is unreasonable advice imo. But seeing as the OP has shown her this thread I'm guessing he's just ended the whole thing by doing so anyway.
but it is not cheating, because you are not in a relationship, because she did not want to. And if you don't want to start obsessing over her (if you are not doing that already) I would urge you to extend your search for a partner further by going on dates with different people. Fact is, she has no place to be upset if you are seeing other people, because that is basically what "not being in a relationship" means, but if you must, you may bring it up and confirm with her that you both are free to see other people, but I would not do that.
I strongly advice you to refrain from cornering her further into a relationship and to be honest I would suggest a little bit of a break for a couple days for you anyway after you did that mishap with showing her this thread. See if she picks up contact anymore. Give her some room now.
When you're seeing a person and you the topic of relationships has not been brought up I generally would NOT date other people, because it could upset her if she was steering towards exclusiveness, but if someone concisely tells me that a relationship is not in the cards it automatically means I must ask myself, "Am I ok with her banging other dudes, or am I too much in love to separate love from lust and I need to get out for my own well-being's sake.."
It can in fact be confusing, but for one's own peace of mind I generally advise: If someone is misleading about if they want something, it almost surely means they do not want it and don't want to say no.
I am actually not too much confused, her message is clear to be. There is no relationship to be had right now. MAYBE she is in a phase where she thinks a lot about it, and is considering pros and cons, but I don't want to get your hopes up. Work towards the acceptance that you will not be in a relationship with this girl ever.
She said 'my mate and her bf didnt get into a relationship for 3 months!'
Well sorry luv, but i dont care about ur mate and his bf, u shouldnt copy them lol!!
How can i be so blind? I feel like a woman of the relationship (if u can even call it that lol)
I wasn't interested in a relationship with any of the women I dated or slept with, even though I'm actually quite fond of some of them. Then I met Dr Troll, which changed my thoughts. There was a spark.
You need to give it a rest, man. The "yet" can be sincere or an excuse. Take in the advice that was given to you here and don't be so persistent. It can only be to your detriment.