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boyfriend doesn't want social services involved
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I went to therapy today and we spoke a lot about how much support I need and how I can get that support. She suggested we needed to get social services involved because then we can access a lot more support. I'm really reluctant because I think their assessment process (6 weeks of carers - often different people each time - coming in and dealing with my personal care) will make my mental health worse because it will stress me out, but in the long run it could mean we could access things like direct payments and such. But my boyfriend (who is also my full time carer) doesn't want them here. He sees himself as my carer and thinks that is his job. He also thinks that they'll be spying on us and try and get him kicked out of the flat (as its in my name and not his) and make him homeless.
I really don't know what to do tbh. I can understand he sees it as his role, but he needs to have a break now and then and just be him not my carer. Without social services I'm not going to be able to get the adaptations made to the flat, or get direct payments, or have anyone to turn to if we split up or theres an emergency and he needs to be elsewhere.
Any ideas?
I really don't know what to do tbh. I can understand he sees it as his role, but he needs to have a break now and then and just be him not my carer. Without social services I'm not going to be able to get the adaptations made to the flat, or get direct payments, or have anyone to turn to if we split up or theres an emergency and he needs to be elsewhere.
Any ideas?
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Comments
1. If hes beneficial to you, why would they want him out?
2. Youre not a child, nor a parent, so they shouldnt be scary
I had a friend at school whose bro had muscular dystrophy and they needed the carer in twice a week to give mum a break. Doesn't mean you don't love them, it doesn't mean you can't manage - it is simply saying that the carer is a human too and needs time to themselves.
The people on the ground from what I've seen and heard tend to be genuine people who are trying to help, it's the pencil pushers who you never meet who are always the pain in the bums!
I'm getting really annoyed with him tbh, he hasn't done the washing up in 3/4 days and when I need stuff he keeps on forcing me to do things on my own that I don't feel happy to do, so I don't do them (things like shopping, drs, and other things). I'm getting beyond pissed off with him. But I need the help...
What benefit is he bringing you here? I actually think he sounds a bit abusive/neglectful
But I don't know what to do....
I'm going to make a big assumption here, so please forgive me if I'm totally wrong, but could it be that being your carer gives your boyfriend validation? Is he working at all? Maybe he's worried that without the label of being your carer he will be left without anything tangible and will need to look for something else credible to do with himself - maybe deep down that thought is a bit scary for him? Again, apologies if I've barked up the wrong tree, but it just seems like it may be something like that at the root of his behaviour.
If I'm right, ironically, getting the extra help in may be a bit of a solution to a lot of these issues. He WILL be forced into doing something else and eventually that might make him feel better about himself. Plus you get the support you need and you have a bit more space as a couple to remember the good in each other again. OK, it might not instantly be that rosy, but it may be worth a go - after all, if things aren't great right now, a change may be what's needed, even if he is reluctant at first.
Caring for someone long term is very hard and without support can often lead to depression, frustration and resentment - it's the way of men to fix things and no matter how hard he tries he can't make you better. He almost certainly recognises what a poor job he's doing of caring for you at the moment, and this would further damage his self worth.
With you getting social services involved he fears being replaced, and probably feels he deserves to be replaced.
If my guess id right, you need to talk, you need to talk about hard things; he needs to accept help for you, he needs to accept help for himself. It may already be to late, but I think you should try.
"I feel sad";
"I'll cheer you up!!";
"You can't..";
": ( I'm a failure"
It took me a long time to learn sometimes its ok for things to not be perfect, and just being there to support is all you can do.