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boyfriend doesn't want social services involved

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
I went to therapy today and we spoke a lot about how much support I need and how I can get that support. She suggested we needed to get social services involved because then we can access a lot more support. I'm really reluctant because I think their assessment process (6 weeks of carers - often different people each time - coming in and dealing with my personal care) will make my mental health worse because it will stress me out, but in the long run it could mean we could access things like direct payments and such. But my boyfriend (who is also my full time carer) doesn't want them here. He sees himself as my carer and thinks that is his job. He also thinks that they'll be spying on us and try and get him kicked out of the flat (as its in my name and not his) and make him homeless.

I really don't know what to do tbh. I can understand he sees it as his role, but he needs to have a break now and then and just be him not my carer. Without social services I'm not going to be able to get the adaptations made to the flat, or get direct payments, or have anyone to turn to if we split up or theres an emergency and he needs to be elsewhere.

Any ideas?
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Get them involved. Its whats best for YOU not your boyfriend. He should be acting in your best interests here, and maybe hed be better being just your boyfriend than your carer if you cant trust him to make an unbiased opionon on your health and wellbeing.
    1. If hes beneficial to you, why would they want him out?
    2. Youre not a child, nor a parent, so they shouldnt be scary
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey MR, one of my friends in uni had a carer come in and it was totally legit. They just come in, help out with what you need / some bits, and then go home. They are just humans too doing a dayjob that can be stressful and probably dont get a huge pay out of it... they don't want to go round snooping and messing up people's lives.

    I had a friend at school whose bro had muscular dystrophy and they needed the carer in twice a week to give mum a break. Doesn't mean you don't love them, it doesn't mean you can't manage - it is simply saying that the carer is a human too and needs time to themselves.

    The people on the ground from what I've seen and heard tend to be genuine people who are trying to help, it's the pencil pushers who you never meet who are always the pain in the bums!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm scared because the idea of having someone I don't know wash and dress me really freaks me out.

    I'm getting really annoyed with him tbh, he hasn't done the washing up in 3/4 days and when I need stuff he keeps on forcing me to do things on my own that I don't feel happy to do, so I don't do them (things like shopping, drs, and other things). I'm getting beyond pissed off with him. But I need the help...

    :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    so hes not doing it, yet doesnt want anyone else to do it?

    What benefit is he bringing you here? I actually think he sounds a bit abusive/neglectful
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm starting to think you're right.

    But I don't know what to do....
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    big hugs ((())))
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree with SCC, if I remember rightly you bought this issue with him up recently, had a chat and it seemed to be sorted but clearly it hasn't lasted. I really don't think he has your best interests at heart and I find his behaviour quite worrying. And I don't think he's going to change - because well, people rarely do. I'd get the help in, a stranger who wants to help has got to be better than a partner who doesn't.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My main problem is I can't just ask him to leave - he's on my benefit claim, he's got no where else to go and the only person I can get to help me isn't around right now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You won't ask him to leave, andd if he's on your benefits they already know he is there don't they? I think you should get the extra help.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    As others have said I think it's time for a change - that doesn't mean you need to kick your boyfriend out, but maybe he is relegated to simply the boyfriend position, instead of boyfriend and carer.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah, I need to sort something out - social services won't do anything until I'm in permanent accommodation anyway, but that should be soonish. I need to talk to my support worker but its bloody difficult considering he is around all the time.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Miss_riot

    I'm going to make a big assumption here, so please forgive me if I'm totally wrong, but could it be that being your carer gives your boyfriend validation? Is he working at all? Maybe he's worried that without the label of being your carer he will be left without anything tangible and will need to look for something else credible to do with himself - maybe deep down that thought is a bit scary for him? Again, apologies if I've barked up the wrong tree, but it just seems like it may be something like that at the root of his behaviour.

    If I'm right, ironically, getting the extra help in may be a bit of a solution to a lot of these issues. He WILL be forced into doing something else and eventually that might make him feel better about himself. Plus you get the support you need and you have a bit more space as a couple to remember the good in each other again. OK, it might not instantly be that rosy, but it may be worth a go - after all, if things aren't great right now, a change may be what's needed, even if he is reluctant at first.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    When I went out with my ex he become my carer and it was not good for the relationship really. The more he did the less I could do anyway. I'm still dependent on carers but I have a network around me now instead of relying on one person.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Spanner - I think that is the case, but I spoke to my mum a bit about it today, and she suggested he might be becoming a bit of a bully. I'm not sure but I do feel like he's controlling me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    youre in a very vulnerable position, and youve trusted him with a position of power, so you have to be careful he doesnt abuse it
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've been speaking to my mum and she seems to think he's bullying me. I really don't know, I just feel really low and totally isolated.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    kick him out
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm going to wait until my mum gets back from her trip and see what I do then. I need someone here.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He read all my messages and now he's kicked off. I'd like to sort it out but I've no idea how.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What messages? Texts?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah, possibly this and my emails too. I've been talking to my mum and my best friend just trying to get some perspective
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The fact he's also snooping on your texts and emails just further confirms everyone's suspicions I think. You need to get away from him
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah, him checking up on you on that level is a bit much. Byebye mr riot.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm going to have to wait at least a week because I need someone else here - and my mum isn't around to help me out. Its going to be really difficult.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry to hear that MR :-( doesn't sound good.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My best guess is that he's feeling really insecure and is unconsciously trying to protect himself, which has resulted in some appalling behaviour.

    Caring for someone long term is very hard and without support can often lead to depression, frustration and resentment - it's the way of men to fix things and no matter how hard he tries he can't make you better. He almost certainly recognises what a poor job he's doing of caring for you at the moment, and this would further damage his self worth.

    With you getting social services involved he fears being replaced, and probably feels he deserves to be replaced.

    If my guess id right, you need to talk, you need to talk about hard things; he needs to accept help for you, he needs to accept help for himself. It may already be to late, but I think you should try.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Brilliant insight Carriage Return. It's very true about men trying to fix things.

    "I feel sad";
    "I'll cheer you up!!";
    "You can't..";
    ": ( I'm a failure"

    It took me a long time to learn sometimes its ok for things to not be perfect, and just being there to support is all you can do.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My mum is coming back tomorrow, so I'm preparing for things to go atomic. I fainted on saturday and ended up in hospital due to dehydration and he's not coming to the drs with me today. I can see now how everything has to be his way or the highway and its neglectful if nothing else. I have no clean clothes because we haven't a washing machine here and he refuses to go to a launderette. I've been washing my undies and t-shirts in the bathroom sink when i have the energy.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm sorry it's gone this way Miss Riot, but I'm glad your mum is coming back and that you're going to get some professional-type support.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just hope things get sorted for the best and I don't end up feeling like I'm stuck again.
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