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Luckily I'm on a special project thing at the moment (good timing really....) and so I think I'm only in on Monday and Tuesday for a specific clinic. Was the same last week, which has worked out quite well as otherwise my attendance rate would be shocking. I've requested a meeting with a pastoral tutor, and I have a blood test this week as well (just to check nothing physical is going on), so I guess they are both positive steps.
In terms of friends - I think it's more than them just not really coming close. I just think it has been one of those situations when you learn who your real friends are, as the saying goes, and I've learnt that I've not really got anyone. One 'friend' has said she no longer can stand to live with me, which means our next house has fallen through. The other two will include me in the PC games that they play, but anything beyond that - no. Nobody wants to spend any time with me because I'm just this massive bitch who is a really horrible person. I don't really blame them.
My ex has described me as if I'm some sort of drug, that he knew I was bad for him but he just couldn't stay away. Hence the repeated dumping. I knew I was poisonous.
I know I'm so boring, repetitive, negative by saying "I'm suicidal". But I am. The slithers of time felt feeling good are no longer a cause for hope, but just remind me that I'm never going to get to a point when they are anything more than slithers. And I don't know what to do. Neither do my parents. Neither do the professionals. I know so many people think I should just pull myself together. But I can't. As one of my 'friends' put it - "I don't understand depression, people should just cheer up". I fucking can't. Someone could live life in my shoes and love it - but live life in my mind and be just as fucked up.
I'm sorry if I sound ungrateful for the support. I don't mean to be
You are not just droning on in misery either. People can suffer with a broken heart for a long time. It's not you being a wimp. You are making large, positive steps in carrying on and therefore moving on. Going back to uni is great. A while back you were considering dropping it.
I think the quote 'Things fall apart so better things can come together' is sort of appropriate. There must have been a time when you never thought you would meet your boyfriend or had as much fun as you have had, but it all happened because you were great enough to let it happen. You can do that again. It just won't happen overnight!!!
Stay in there. Keep going. It will all get better
So I found out that my ex has started seeing a 16 year old. 2 weeks after we broke up. Apparently. I know hes perfectly entitled to see other people after we've broken up but I have my doubts over when this started. He chose the one person that would hurt me the most. The person that often caused us trouble in our relationship.
I've called my cpn, I've self-harmed. I really thought things couldn't get any worse.
It's a step back, but you've got the talent to make sure your next step is forward again. As long as overall the forward steps outnumber the backwards ones then you'll keep heading the right direction.
sending you lots of warm hugs *hug*
The pain does subside but I can't say it is a quick thing. I hurt less but I still hurt a lot.
It is all a bit too painful.
I've had a shower, had some porridge and now back in bed. I've been given some diazepam - need to get through the weekend now.
Man I've woken up really angry.