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Not sure what to do????!!!??

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Mods if you feel its in the wrong thread, then please move to correct one :)

I went to a party (if you can call it a party since there weren't many people there) last night and we had a conversation about my wanting a girlfriend. Two of them asked if I personally think I can't get a girlfriend. I replied saying ?Yes?. And they said something along the lines of ?It's all in my mind thinking that I won't.? And they said its all about confidence. I know they're correct. The mate who invited me to the party said that I don't have a sociable life, which of course is true.... I don't. I always stay indoors and NEVER go out drinking or out of the house in an evening. I don't go out because I'm a shy guy and that doesn't help AT ALL!!
I don't even talk to anyone at work and there's one or two lasses who I like, but I don't have any confidence in striking a conversation up with them. The thing is that I only speak to people, anyone for that matter, if they speak to me first. Its a habit of mine that I just can't get out of. I just don't have a clue how to get out of it and open up and get out of my shell.
I'm a shy guy and that doesn't help at all! At 27yrs old I'm actually desperate in actually finding a lass who actually wants to go out with me and I don't know what to do about it.

Any suggestions what I can do?


Also.........

I've been working in a chocolate factory for 9yrs now. Its boring, repetitive work and I'm getting fed up working there. I need to find a different job but I have no idea what to do with myself. I have poor GCSEs, a GNVQ in science and an NVQ2 in Business Administration. I wish I didn't waste my 2 years doing the two subjects after I left school because I haven't done anything to do with science since I left 6th Form. And the NVQ was a complete waste of time.
The only thing I'm good at is one of my hobbies....photography.
I consider myself to be getting better more or less every time I use my DSLR Canon EOS 450D.. Even though I need to go on a course to 'expand' my knowledge and skills
In the last few 6 months, I became interested in portrait photography to photograph models or people who want expand their portfolio. I even sent a message to a top photographer on Twitter, Holly Knowles, to read through an 'advert' which I was going to put on two websites. She even put out a 'request' to models on Facebook saying that I'm looking to build my portfolio up. But once I told her that I wasn't interested in it any more, she blocked me on both Facebook and Twitter. I just couldn't believe she did that. It might have been good money, but only if I work hard to produce some good shots then I could send them off to companies showing my work (what I can do with a camera), but I just lost interest.

I would, however, like to become a professional landscape photographer but it will take patients becoming one. I'm not sure what to do at the moment. Is there any advice you lovely people could give me?


I seriously need to get my life in order or I'm just going to lose it!!

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'll say this as I have said to many people on here over the years, having a partner won't necessarily make the world automatically better for anyone.

    I think you have highlighted some important issues, namely the lack of socialising both inside and outside of work. Working on this slowly but surely, will help you gain confidence and also build a network of people around you. This is turn will help you meet and know new people (through association).

    There is also the possibility of online/distance learning?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Have I posted this in the right thread?

    I don't seem to be getting many replies/messages?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You posted it in Work but your main question was about relationships.

    On the photography side, making money out of landscape is extremely difficult. Your best option is to send a load of your photos to a stock image company and hope that they get picked. You're more likely to make money out of portraiture though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Have I posted this in the right thread?

    I don't seem to be getting many replies/messages?

    Hey Ferrari - I'm going to move this into Relationships, as Whowhere says the initial crux of your question is focused on relationships and self - confidence. If you like I can take out the second half of your post and create a new thread for that in work, even though the issues are related you might get more focused responses that way. Let me know if you'd like me to do that :)

    For now though we'll move it over to Relationships and see how it goes.

    And, just to add my two cents... ;)

    You seem to be really self-aware which is a great place to start, you know what your issues are by the sounds of it but it's finding some steps that suit you that you can work on to gradually build up your confidence, in turn your confidence with girls is going to grow as well. Seeing women as potential mates rather than potential girlfriends can sometimes help too, the girlfriend bit can follow if it feels right.

    As G says, a relationship wont solve things in the long term so taking time to do things for yourself will help. If you're scared of talking to people at work for example you could set yourself little challenges like starting two conversations a day or even just making an effort to talk a little more even if you say ' anyone want a cup of tea?' ;) If you're shy it can often feel like when you do talk the whole room is listening because they're so surprised to hear you pipe up - have you thought about why you wait for others to speak first? What you might be afraid of? What advice would you give a friend if they were in a similar situation?

    In terms of the photography, maybe you could start a blog, get yourself out there a bit, see if you can make some new contacts or have a look to see if there are any courses of volunteering opportunities in your area? You said you need to go on a course so why not start researching that and see what's available, there are often short evening courses and doing something new with a bunch of new people could be just what you need..:thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First: You are using the shy guy thing as an excuse. You don't go out, talk to nobody, but you want a girl to magically appear. It doesn't work that way. You are like the guy who says, "Once I win the lottery, I buy a house in the Carribean.", but hasn't actually placed the lottery once. It's like being lazy and wanting money. If you want money, you have to work (i.e. overcome your laziness). You can't tell the guy who interviews you, "well I am lazy, but I wanna get paid anyway." It just does not work that way. Don't try to bypass this all the time. You wouldn't try to drive your car without fuel hoping it works anyway. Stop trying to get a girlfriend if you are a complete anti-social shut-in. How long do you think a girlfriend is captivated by you?

    Once you start working on your issues and don't see them as an innate feature of you and overcome them, you will have success.
    I even sent a message to a top photographer on Twitter, Holly Knowles, to read through an 'advert' which I was going to put on two websites. She even put out a 'request' to models on Facebook saying that I'm looking to build my portfolio up. But once I told her that I wasn't interested in it any more, she blocked me on both Facebook and Twitter. I just couldn't believe she did that. It might have been good money, but only if I work hard to produce some good shots then I could send them off to companies showing my work (what I can do with a camera), but I just lost interest.

    Wow, are you for real? You've had your foot in the door towards a new career and completely shitted it up. A pro goes out of her way to help a newcomer in the trade and you tell her you are not interested anymore? And you can't fathom the reason why she blocks you?
    I seriously need to get my life in order

    That's exactly what you need to go, well spotted, unfortunately you just wait until it gets in order by itself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    Wow, are you for real? You've had your foot in the door towards a new career and completely shitted it up. A pro goes out of her way to help a newcomer in the trade and you tell her you are not interested anymore? And you can't fathom the reason why she blocks you?

    I'm afraid that's how I see it too. Holly has done that for you out of kindness, helped you get a foothold in an area you were interested in and you then throw it back at her saying "thanks, but no thanks... but please be my friend"?! It's so hard to get opportunities like that I think you should have soldiered on and picked up the experience and contacts you probably would have made. Making money takes effort too, and isn't always fun. But, guess that's in the past now.

    It sounds to me like you need to decide what you want to do first... Until you've done that if you were to stay in the chocolate factory can you swap roles to a different section? Or at least carry on in your role but maybe learn how another area works then see if you can move across? Oh, and your probably good at more than photography, you just need to take a look back and see it! I mean you've been in your role for 9 years now... you must be doing something right!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't even talk to anyone at work and there's one or two lasses who I like, but I don't have any confidence in striking a conversation up with them. The thing is that I only speak to people, anyone for that matter, if they speak to me first. Its a habit of mine that I just can't get out of. I just don't have a clue how to get out of it and open up and get out of my shell. I'm a shy guy and that doesn't help at all!

    The best way of changing areas of your personality you're unhappy with is to pretend that you're already how you'd like to be. If you're shy, play the I'm Not Shy game. Start a conversation with someone at work in the break room or the person working at the checkout when you're doing your shopping. It'll feel completely forced and contrived at first, and you'll probably have a few strained conversations, but the more you do it the more it feels natural and the more you realise it wasn't the big thing you made it out to be.
    At 27yrs old I'm actually desperate in actually finding a lass who actually wants to go out with me and I don't know what to do about it.

    Any suggestions what I can do?

    Desperation has a stink about it; people can smell desperation a mile off. If I were you I'd ask myself why I'm so desperate to be in a relationship. If you can be fair but brutally honest with yourself you're likely to find some useful answers.
    Also.........

    People find people with interests interesting. I know I do. My mate has a rather shit but fruitful saying "always be baking a cake", i.e. do shit that interests you. You like photography? Then take a course or join a club.

    N.B.: Don't literally take up baking cakes. Especially fairy cakes. It's a fucking twee past time that seems to have made a resurgence lately and people think is cute. I'm joking: that last sentence is just in case anyone thinks I've suffered a head injury and developed a sense of compassion.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The best way of changing areas of your personality you're unhappy with is to pretend that you're already how you'd like to be. If you're shy, play the I'm Not Shy game. Start a conversation with someone at work in the break room or the person working at the checkout when you're doing your shopping. It'll feel completely forced and contrived at first, and you'll probably have a few strained conversations, but the more you do it the more it feels natural and the more you realise it wasn't the big thing you made it out to be.

    This x100. The classic "Fake it until you make it."

    I call it, "Just Do It." (like Nike). Pondering about it will never, ever lead you to overcome a ineptitude. Sucking in your breath, and just doing it. Yes. The cold sweat will come running, but it will feel so good afterwards, because it was a big accomplishment to you. Just saying, "I am social inept, what else can I do?" is like saying "I am blind, can I still be a movie critic?" There is no way around it, and the only way to it, is just doing it. Period.

    To me, talking up other people, especially girls, becomes easier, when I am content with myself. If I studied for an exam and pass it, if I work out, etc. If I do something worthwhile, I am content with myself, which gives me the notion, that when I feel truly awesome, others will think so too and it gives me the guts to go through with it.
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