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Being in a relationship + mental heath

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I don't actually know what I'm asking here, would just really like people's experiences.

I've been in a relationship with a guy on and off since April. When it's 'on' we're really good - I wouldn't change him for the world and just so much :heart:.

We're currently on a break because I got quite ill and I put way too much pressure on him by staying with him when I was in such a state. I feel so guilty about the things I did and said. Trying to work things out now though...

A number of things really. Sometimes I wonder whether I am actually capable of being in a relationship. I have a few 'traits' (linked to bpd, but that bit doesn't really matter) which make it especially hard on him. If I list them here I was wondering whether if people have had similar experiences they could help me out? These are all things that I know I do but I don't know how to change them, and so far my attempts to be different and change have been even more of a fail.

First one being I go from absolutely worshipping the ground he walks on to being so so angry because of something he has said / done. And I *know* deep down that it is irrational but I still can't not show it in some way. I think it may have got to the point now where he is scared to say anything at some points - which then makes me feel that he isn't trying and therefore he doesn't love me etc etc.

I also have some weird thing about being left. I actually don't understand how my mind works on this one. But whenever he leaves I get really upset. I know he is coming back, sometimes even the next day or whatever. I feel so stupid looking back on this, but at that moment in time it just feels so distressing.

Feeling impulsive... tends to be worse when I'm with him. In the middle of the night, I have just ran out of the house and gone for a walk. And this obviously really upsets and worries him. But at that moment it feels like I *have* to do whatver it is.

This is the worst thing, and I hate myself so much for it. I once hurt myself in front of him.... I told myself I would never do it, but I asked him to leave the room to give me some space and he wouldn't and so I tried to do it in the dark but he saw me :crying:

I get so upset just thinking about how I've made him cry, and the effect I've had on his health. Since that period we've been totally honest with each other about how things need to work to avoid repeating the same mistakes. For example from now on he is going to put himself first, and think about things in the long-term rather than just working on how best not to upset me in the short-term.

But still... I feel so so guilty. And I'm terrified of doing the same thing to him again. I want to change so badly, but I just don't know if I can. I know what I do wrong, and looking back at it I can identify what I should have done differently but then the same thing comes up again and my feelings are just so extreme and I just respond in the same inappropriate way. I feel like I would do anything for him, but still that doesn't seem like it is enough for me to change. My psychiatrist said that I need outside help, so maybe wanting isn't enough, but I wish it was. I wish more than anything I was well, because I wouldn't continue to fuck it up again and again. I'm so lucky to have this amazing guy who wants to be with me, and he is incredibly supportive, but there is only so far anyone can be pushed, and I know I can't push him much further.

One of my friends said that if our relationship was strong enough then we'll get through this. But I'm not sure. I don't really expect anyone to put up with me. And yet I feel like if I wasn't like this - we'd be sorted. Because on a good day, everything is just so fantastic.

And so this has sort of lead me on to think... well if this guy feels like "the one" but being on the brink of cocking it up one time too many isn't making me change, then am I just sort of not meant to be in a relationship?

Any thoughts, opinions or things that may help me would be much appreciated *hug*


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi :)

    I sometimes do similar things.

    I seem to go from thinking the world of people to hating them, and I can't seem to stop myself telling them they're stupid or pointless or whatever.
    I hate that I do it but I can't seem to stop myself.

    I did it with my last boyfriend, and I seem to be doing it with the guy I'm seeing now - and that hasn't been going long.

    Not sure I can give you any advice (I'm still trying to figure out how to sort myself out) but if you want to talk, I'm here.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have BPD and have managed to have two reasonably successful relationships (the first one lasted 5 years and the second one started 2 years ago and is still going). It is difficult and I know I push things to the limit.

    In my first relationship I hated him going out so I once locked him up in my house and didn't let him out, it didn't go down too well but he realised I was a bit messed up (this ws before my diagonosis and so I didn't really understand why I did such things) and we put it behind us. Also in that relationship I would get incredibly angry at him and lash out, often physically hitting him and then immediately feel regret and try anything to put things right. It was very complicated as he was Brazilian living in Brazil and there is a big cultural difference with stuff like mental health problems. He would hold me when I cry and was good at dealing with me but we didn't really speak much about the actual mental health problems as when I was younger I was really secretive about it and didn't let anyone know about it. I would not self harm before I saw him so I didn't have fresh cuts and although he saw my scars I don't think he knew what they were from and we never discussed them.

    In my current relationship things do get difficult. My boyfriend has some mental health problems of his own (social anxiety disorder, OCD and depression) and that helps with understanding me and we feel close as we talk about these problems. I do push him to the limit though. In the summer we had an argument about him smoking (cigarettes) and I went home and overdosed. He came to the hospital with me and looked after me but I think it really affected him and he was deeply upset and felt very guilty. Also, I tend to cling to him. So for example if we are at home and I need the toilet I will get him to come with me into the bathroom, or if I have a bath I will try to get him to come in the bathroom or bath as well. My clinging has caused problems for us. I should probably mention that things got a bit much for him and we are in couples counselling. Basically he copes with it best when he gets a night or two off a week to hang out with his mates but I find it really hard to give him this space. But it does really help our relationship so I try really hard now to. Another thing that bothers him is when I get anxious in a group and don't join in things and it makes his social anxiety worse. I have gone to self harm infront of him but he's taken the razor out of my hands.

    I think it is possible to have a relationship when you have mental health problems including bpd but it is harder and the relationship takes more work and patience and understanding to survive. I highly recommend couples counselling (we are having ours through Relate, it is a charity so it is low cost and based on what you can afford to pay)as it has helped us learn what we need to do to survive as a couple in the face of both our illnesses.

    Good luck and feel free to ask any questions you may have either here or by pm. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks guys - really helpful responses *hug*

    Did ma thread get moved? I swear I posted it in relationships bit... or am I going crazy :nervous:
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear

    Did ma thread get moved?

    Hey, just to let you know it didn't get moved as there would have been a re-direct. Stroooonge. ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru

    I dont think being a person with bi-polar disorder makes you incapable of having a relationship at all. You're a person fore mostly. With human qualities that make you completely lovable and deserving of love. From the little I know of bpd, the symptoms vary and one day you might feel fine and the next you feel rubbish. Right now at the not so good stage I think it must be incredibly difficult to think positively about anything. I hope you know that these feelings are temporary and with the right support and perhaps medication, you will begin to feel okay again. Then in time you can develop coping strategies so you know when the bad stages are going to hit. I know this doesn't help your relationship problem. I just wanted to address the issue that you almost seem to be writing yourself off and I think that's an unfair assessment of yourself to make. You're so smart and compassionate and other things which you probably won't believe right now and to me this overides the symptoms that you are experiencing of bpd. You will win xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    when you say 'bpd' do you mean bi-polar disorder or borderline personality disorder?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    piccolo wrote: »
    when you say 'bpd' do you mean bi-polar disorder or borderline personality disorder?

    good point, sorry i just assumed
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    **helen** wrote: »
    Hey, just to let you know it didn't get moved as there would have been a re-direct. Stroooonge. ;)

    Haaaa alright theen, I'll believe you ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    N'awwww thanks Clem!!! I don't knowwww it's all so hard, blah blah blah.

    I feel selfish for wanting something so badly when I know it hurts the other person you know? I can't really see how I am the best thing for him right now.

    And yeah sorry I did mean borderliner personality disorder, sorry should have been clearer.
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