Home› Sex & Relationships
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options

Signs/Coming clean

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
Hi. Further to this thread:

http://vbulletin.thesite.org/showthread.php?t=144804

I just wanted an opinion on 2 things. I went out with her friends on saturday for her birthday, and actually had a great time. A few things she did got me wondering:

- She spent most of the evening somewhere close to me when there was 15 odd people there.
- We ordered shots from the bar and when clinking glasses she said "here's to us"
- She stroked my leg when we were sat next to each other.
- When we said goodnight she said "I'm glad you came"

Now I am highly aware that I could be reading too much into all of the above. She was/is friendly to everyone, but the leg touching in particular really got me thinking....and i might be crazy but i felt there was something in it.

Secondly, I think I have decided that i feel too strongly to say nothing, it's driving me mad. So how? when? where?

I'm really not good at this!

All opinions welcomed....

Comments

  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If she was touching your leg and no-one elses then it's just possible that she really likes you. Why not ask her if she wants to go for a coffee or something. Make it quite casual.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    if it was me someone was doing that to, then id probably assume they fancied me.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    SuzyCreamcheese wrote: »
    if it was me someone was doing that to, then id probably assume they fancied me.

    Yeah it was weird.....she's not usually the touchy/feely type. I'm even wondering if I imagined it (I wasn't that drunk!)

    Up until saturday i was totally convinced that this was completely one sided but now the seed of doubt has been sewn I can't stop thinking about it. But I am well aware I could just be seeing what I want to see :(
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would say either call her or try to catch her on her own some time and tell her you had a great night and ask if she fancies going out again soon. Since you've made it clear in the past you like her as more than a friend I think it's perfectly understandable you'd want to know why she was stroking your leg. So you could maybe start a conversation along the lines of 'remember when I gave you flowers for Valentines? I didn't know you too well back then, but now I do and still think you're amazing/great/beautiful' (or whatever). I don't know many girls who'd do that to a guy if they know he likes them unless she likes you back. I'm not very good with starting relationships, but with my current boyfriend we met when out with friends, shared a kiss and changed numbers, then had a week or so of going on 'dates' then he asked me if we could make it official.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    flibbertygibbert wrote: »
    I would say either call her or try to catch her on her own some time and tell her you had a great night and ask if she fancies going out again soon. Since you've made it clear in the past you like her as more than a friend I think it's perfectly understandable you'd want to know why she was stroking your leg. So you could maybe start a conversation along the lines of 'remember when I gave you flowers for Valentines? I didn't know you too well back then, but now I do and still think you're amazing/great/beautiful' (or whatever). I don't know many girls who'd do that to a guy if they know he likes them unless she likes you back. I'm not very good with starting relationships, but with my current boyfriend we met when out with friends, shared a kiss and changed numbers, then had a week or so of going on 'dates' then he asked me if we could make it official.

    We have arranged to go out for drinks over christmas at some point, not sure if it will be just us or a few people yet though

    Oddly enough that's exactly how I imagined I would say it if i ever plucked up the courage....!
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there Neddy,

    It seems like in your last thread there was a doubt as to whether risking losing her as a friend by asking her out, or staying friends and keeping your feelings for her a secret. Is this still the case or perhaps you think it might be worth asking her out now due to signs she might be giving out?
    You did say 18 months ago she was not interested however now you say you are closer and the body language she seems to have given you that night could mean something more.
    To have strong feelings for a close friend is always hard to deal with. Think carefully whether you want be honest with her about your feelings and risk losing her. Perhaps you could take her for a drink as a friend and find out about her love life if she has one? Perhaps she mentions someone and that could be a clue or perhaps she is single and mentions she would like a boyfriend. Decide whether it is worth it and make your move if it is!

    Good luck :)
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She is going away for a short break at the weekend so I casually suggested we go for a drink before she leaves. I got a "would love to but a bit skint and not feeling very well at the moment" reply.

    That's a brush off isn't it? Have just told her that i'll happily buy her a drink and to let me know if she changes her mind but not holding my breath.

    Seriously regretting not just dragging her outside on saturday and snogging her face off....i at least could have used the alcohol as an excuse!
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thats not a brush off. Id tell her dont worry about being skint, and that its your treat, and ask her to let you know when she feels more up to it
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    and then ask her again in a couple of days
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    SuzyCreamcheese wrote: »
    thats not a brush off. Id tell her dont worry about being skint, and that its your treat, and ask her to let you know when she feels more up to it

    Told her that I am sure I could stretch to one drink and to let me know if she changes her mind, and to get well soon.

    She said ok, if not we will sort something out over christmas.

    Just get the impression she is not overly keen to see me, but then I think that about almost everyone! :d
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Neddy wrote: »
    Told her that I am sure I could stretch to one drink

    that sounds very specific and might make her think youre not that interested in her if you couldnt or werent prepared to pay for more than one drink.
    Im not saying that way of thinking is right or wrong. Probably slightly old fashioned, but if youre trying to impress a girl, most girls would probably like you to be prepared to buy them a few drinks or a meal or something. If she then then insisted on paying halves, then thats different
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    SuzyCreamcheese wrote: »
    that sounds very specific and might make her think youre not that interested in her if you couldnt or werent prepared to pay for more than one drink.
    Im not saying that way of thinking is right or wrong. Probably slightly old fashioned, but if youre trying to impress a girl, most girls would probably like you to be prepared to buy them a few drinks or a meal or something. If she then then insisted on paying halves, then thats different

    If we'd just met I'd be absolutely inclined to agree with you - I'm old fashioned too!

    TBH I don't think her judging me as stingy is an issue, I have bought her plenty of drinks/done her plenty of favours in the past. Just suggested one because she is a busy girl and isn't feeling too good, didn't want to pile the pressure on...

    Not sure dating etiquette applies when you are well and truly "friend zoned"!
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :) well its for you to judge!
    You need to get yourself OUT of the friend zone though and into boyfriend zone
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    SuzyCreamcheese wrote: »
    :) well its for you to judge!
    You need to get yourself OUT of the friend zone though and into boyfriend zone

    How?! 64 million dollar question....
    This whole thing is driving me insane...why can't i just summon the courage to kiss her or something, she may get the message then! :(
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think you can ever judge these things with 100% accuracy unfortunately and I know I've misjudged these situations before. With one guy he was pretty flirty and he'd start ongoing conversations about how he thought he'd be married with kids by now etc and would ask for my opinions on the subject, then randomly change his views to fit with mine in an out of the blue conversation next time he saw me. Really up in the air, confusing stuff. Even after dancing quite close to him on a few nights out he never stopped the flirting or told me he wasn't interested. In the end it was getting to me, so I got close enough for him to kiss me, but he said it wouldn't work out and I should forget about him and that was that. Not heard from him since, despite us hanging out a lot for a couple of years before that and him having told me he enjoyed my company a lot.

    I'm not trying to put you off making your move, quite the opposite. Seems like you've reached the stage with this girl where she's occupying a lot of your thoughts and you want to do something about it (I know all too well how that feels). I wouldn't go straight for the kill and kiss her without trying to get physically closer to her first and see how she reacts and take things from there. Once you've broken that boundary the rest will most likely feel natural. Hopefully it will just happen for you both. Worst case scenario and it doesn't go to plan, remind yourself how bad not knowing how she sees you feels and at least by knowing you can get out there and meet new women. I met a really nice guy in the end who's much more straightforward about his feelings and what he wants from life and that works well for me right now. Although occasionally I do think about the other man and why he couldn't have just kept things on a friendship level if he wasn't interested in more, I'm glad we're not in contact for the time being.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    flibbertygibbert wrote: »
    I don't think you can ever judge these things with 100% accuracy unfortunately and I know I've misjudged these situations before. With one guy he was pretty flirty and he'd start ongoing conversations about how he thought he'd be married with kids by now etc and would ask for my opinions on the subject, then randomly change his views to fit with mine in an out of the blue conversation next time he saw me. Really up in the air, confusing stuff. Even after dancing quite close to him on a few nights out he never stopped the flirting or told me he wasn't interested. In the end it was getting to me, so I got close enough for him to kiss me, but he said it wouldn't work out and I should forget about him and that was that. Not heard from him since, despite us hanging out a lot for a couple of years before that and him having told me he enjoyed my company a lot.

    I'm not trying to put you off making your move, quite the opposite. Seems like you've reached the stage with this girl where she's occupying a lot of your thoughts and you want to do something about it (I know all too well how that feels). I wouldn't go straight for the kill and kiss her without trying to get physically closer to her first and see how she reacts and take things from there. Once you've broken that boundary the rest will most likely feel natural. Hopefully it will just happen for you both. Worst case scenario and it doesn't go to plan, remind yourself how bad not knowing how she sees you feels and at least by knowing you can get out there and meet new women. I met a really nice guy in the end who's much more straightforward about his feelings and what he wants from life and that works well for me right now. Although occasionally I do think about the other man and why he couldn't have just kept things on a friendship level if he wasn't interested in more, I'm glad we're not in contact for the time being.

    First of all thanks for your replies :)

    I have serious confidence issues when it comes to women due to a few things that have gone on in the past/general shyness. I had one girl who i considered a good friend just start ignoring me for no apparent reason....amongst other various non starters. I lost contact with all of them. I have never had a relationship.

    So now, I suppose understandably, I am so careful (probably too careful) what i say and do around a girl, especially if i like her...

    The girl in question is a popular one, and I am so concerned that i have mistaken her friendliness for something more, particularly as she does blow hot and cold on me sometimes. All of my senses tell me she doesn't feel like I do but I have so little experience how would I know! I know how she feels about guys who try it on with her, if she's not interested she cuts them loose. I don't want that to happen, I don't have enough friends to start throwing them away...

    I also don't know if I have been giving off signals....i do regularly pay her compliments, make a point of being gentlemanly and help her out when i can, and try to be flirty in texts etc. If someone did that would you think they liked you? Forgetting the 6 red roses i sent her last year....that was pretty obvious!

    What do you mean by getting physically closer to her without kissing her "in that way"? have done the gentlemanly linked arms, hug/peck on the cheek to death....lol

    I know it's insane to think that by kissing her i could magically make her fall in love with me but I am a little bit irrational right now. She is occupying the vast majority of my thoughts (probaly more than is healthy) so I have decided I have to do something. It's just working out how and summoning the courage to do so....

    Of course I have to see her first, she's not texted me yet... :eek:
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's what I meant by getting physically closer, start with kissing her on the cheek etc. Since you've done those things already and she's not pushed you away it sounds promising. As for confidence, it's a tough one and think that will only be built up by you trying to think of yourself in a positive way and not taking rejection to heart. Definitely not easy to do, but a very valuable skill. In general, confidence is attractive, even if it's not second nature to you right now, each experience you have with a woman will help to build it, even if it does take time. I can understand you not wanting to lose her as a friend as you feel you don't have many friends right now, but do you think the feelings you have for her may make a platonic friendship in the future a bit difficult?

    Infatuation can be fun, but once you reach the stage where someone is occupying a lot of your thoughts and you still feel like you don't know where you stand maybe it is time to get things out in the open. Friends come and go through life and I'm sure once you push yourself out of your comfort zone a little more and get talking to new people, there's absolutely no reason why you wouldn't make a few new friends.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    flibbertygibbert wrote: »
    That's what I meant by getting physically closer, start with kissing her on the cheek etc. Since you've done those things already and she's not pushed you away it sounds promising. As for confidence, it's a tough one and think that will only be built up by you trying to think of yourself in a positive way and not taking rejection to heart. Definitely not easy to do, but a very valuable skill. In general, confidence is attractive, even if it's not second nature to you right now, each experience you have with a woman will help to build it, even if it does take time. I can understand you not wanting to lose her as a friend as you feel you don't have many friends right now, but do you think the feelings you have for her may make a platonic friendship in the future a bit difficult?

    Infatuation can be fun, but once you reach the stage where someone is occupying a lot of your thoughts and you still feel like you don't know where you stand maybe it is time to get things out in the open. Friends come and go through life and I'm sure once you push yourself out of your comfort zone a little more and get talking to new people, there's absolutely no reason why you wouldn't make a few new friends.


    I have 100% decided that my focus should be on "getting myself out there" a bit more, doing new things and meeting new people, and I'm sure that friendships and/or a relationship will come from that.

    I know I can't flick a switch and become confident just like that but as you say i have to make an effort and not let disappointments affect me as much as they have. I have a list of things I want to do - just have to do them! Easy eh?! :rolleyes:

    Infatuation is no fun! Every word she says means something I'm sure it probably doesn't and it is driving me mad...for example i wished her a nice break last night and she replied "thanks, have a good week, chat when i get back" and I couldn't help but feel that she was bing unfriendly and if she wanted to chat with me that much her phone almost definitely does work abroad! Ridiculous eh... :rolleyes:

    As for whether I could be friends with her whilst feeling this way. I think probably yes, we aren't best best friends so i'd probably only have to pretend i didn't love her in person about once a month....!

    Since last weekend we have texted 3 times and each conversation has only lasted 4 or 5 texts and has been ended by her (except last night). That's hardly flirtatious is it?!

    Think I am just going to see what happens over xmas, if she comes home and is keen to see me one on one then we will go out and i will think about "confessing" but if I don't hear from her for 2 weeks I think it's safe to say i am not at the forefront of her mind like she is mine....

    I really think my feelings wouldn't be bothering me so much if I had more things/people in my life to focus on....
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Neddy,

    Well done on asking her out! Like you said she seems hot and cold with you at the moment and therefore probably isn't sure what she wants. If you are still very keen, try and take it conversation by conversation and see how it develops. If you decide to keep pursuing her, it is important, as SuzyCreamcheese mentioned, to get yourself out of the friend zone and into the "I want to date you" zone!

    You also mention;
    I really think my feelings wouldn't be bothering me so much if I had more things/people in my life to focus on....

    Why not try and make this happen? You could meet new people by volunteering for example in sports, arts etc. You could also make an extra effort to go out with work/uni mates or rekindle old friendships.

    Making yourself more busy will not only be a benefit to you in terms of social life, but can also boost your confidence. Having low self esteem can indeed affect relationships and how you approach them so try and work on gradually building that confidence.

    Good luck!
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    christele wrote: »
    Hi Neddy,

    Well done on asking her out! Like you said she seems hot and cold with you at the moment and therefore probably isn't sure what she wants. If you are still very keen, try and take it conversation by conversation and see how it develops. If you decide to keep pursuing her, it is important, as SuzyCreamcheese mentioned, to get yourself out of the friend zone and into the "I want to date you" zone!

    You also mention;


    Why not try and make this happen? You could meet new people by volunteering for example in sports, arts etc. You could also make an extra effort to go out with work/uni mates or rekindle old friendships.

    Making yourself more busy will not only be a benefit to you in terms of social life, but can also boost your confidence. Having low self esteem can indeed affect relationships and how you approach them so try and work on gradually building that confidence.

    Good luck!

    Thanks Christele - don't think i was particularly brave asking if she wanted to go for a drink - not like we haven't done that before!

    But yeah she certainly isn't giving me the come on so I'm just going to leave her alone for a while and see what happens over xmas......

    Have a couple of nights out planned over xmas and got in touch with a few people I haven't seen in a while on facebook etc....

    Have a long list of things i might get involved in that i am getting around to sorting out to hopefully make my life a bit more interesting in the next few months! I'll keep you posted!

    Gotta be more to life than sitting around the house moping over some girl right! ;)
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    OK this has kind of developed now....

    We went out for Christmas/catch up drinks yesterday We just drank, laughed and talked about nothing in particular for 6 hours. It was really good.

    Anyway it got a bit drunk and flirty, she had a prior engagement to be at early in the evening, I said she should stay with me and she said "you'll have to convince me i'm special and make the most of until i go". At this point I kissed her on the lips. She didn't ask what the hell i was doing or storm off which is good, and she actually kissed me herself a minute or so later. Just a quick one as we were in a crowded pub... We had had a few but were still conscious! She got a lift home 15 mins or so later.

    I texted her a bit later to say "hope you are convinced of your specialness" and wished her a nice evening and she said "thanks for a good day, hope you enjoyed it too" to which i of course replied saying i had a great time and that it was just a shame she had to leave so early.....but no mention of the specialness!

    She spoke to me in a way which made me think there is more there than friendship but is it possible that sober she will totally regret kissing me?!

    How do I play this? I know from talking her that she hates being pressured and for things to get too intense too quickly, and I am vastly inexperienced so fine with that myself, but I know it's up to me to make the effort at the same time.....but ideally without scaring her off! If there is something there I want to take the opportunity of seeing where it goes....do i contact her today or wait? and do i mention the kiss!

    Can you tell I am not good at this? :d
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Not expecting a reply but wanted to vent this before 2011!

    I texted her yesterday and suggested we do something again before we both go back to work next week and got back "just want to catch up on my sleep until then but will let you know when I have"

    I also said that i felt our conversation got cut short the other night and she said "which conversation", i told her which one and she said "oh yes i remember our random drunk conversation, it's ok i know i'm special"

    Simple question, if she'd have been thinking about it would she not have wanted to discuss it a bit more instead of fobbing me off?

    Think it was just some drunk indiscretion on her part the other day :(

    Was also at the same party as her last night and heard her tell one of her girlfriends that she "isn't looking for anyone right now" and given that I know she goes on lots of dates and is enjoying being young free and single at the moment that some massive declaration of love would be a mistake and only serve to cost me a friend.

    I'm just going to back off and try and enjoy 2011. I know moping about after her isn't going to do anyone any good. If I improve myself then who knows, maybe she will start to miss me a little bit.....and next time i see her I am hoping there won't be alcohol involved so if it feels right I can tell her how i feel and possibly have her take me seriously.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Neddy,

    Good to hear you have made a decision as to what to do for the new year. Seems like something did happen between you, however if she cannot be sure about it until now, then perhaps she isn't ready, as you heard her tell her friends.

    As you say, perhaps stepping back could show you whether she'd miss you, and at the same time it could be good you too to have the space and perhaps enjoy being single for now and be around the people you recently got in touch with :)

    We are always here to help so keep venting if you need to! x
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    christele wrote: »
    Hi Neddy,

    Good to hear you have made a decision as to what to do for the new year. Seems like something did happen between you, however if she cannot be sure about it until now, then perhaps she isn't ready, as you heard her tell her friends.

    As you say, perhaps stepping back could show you whether she'd miss you, and at the same time it could be good you too to have the space and perhaps enjoy being single for now and be around the people you recently got in touch with :)

    We are always here to help so keep venting if you need to! x

    Thanks. I think the problem is I felt something did happen but i've had the impression from her since that in her eyes nothing did, or at least nothing she is interested in talking about further.....

    I am one of these people who analyses every little bit of a conversation when it matters to me enough, even a drunken one....but i told her she was special, kissed her and then asked her if she's like to go out again, it's not like i haven't even slightly hinted i might like her even in my own bumbling fashion!

    After wishing her a new year i told her to let me know when she had caught up on her sleep. Ball is in her court, I just need to get on with my life....
Sign In or Register to comment.