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Signs/Coming clean
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi. Further to this thread:
http://vbulletin.thesite.org/showthread.php?t=144804
I just wanted an opinion on 2 things. I went out with her friends on saturday for her birthday, and actually had a great time. A few things she did got me wondering:
- She spent most of the evening somewhere close to me when there was 15 odd people there.
- We ordered shots from the bar and when clinking glasses she said "here's to us"
- She stroked my leg when we were sat next to each other.
- When we said goodnight she said "I'm glad you came"
Now I am highly aware that I could be reading too much into all of the above. She was/is friendly to everyone, but the leg touching in particular really got me thinking....and i might be crazy but i felt there was something in it.
Secondly, I think I have decided that i feel too strongly to say nothing, it's driving me mad. So how? when? where?
I'm really not good at this!
All opinions welcomed....
http://vbulletin.thesite.org/showthread.php?t=144804
I just wanted an opinion on 2 things. I went out with her friends on saturday for her birthday, and actually had a great time. A few things she did got me wondering:
- She spent most of the evening somewhere close to me when there was 15 odd people there.
- We ordered shots from the bar and when clinking glasses she said "here's to us"
- She stroked my leg when we were sat next to each other.
- When we said goodnight she said "I'm glad you came"
Now I am highly aware that I could be reading too much into all of the above. She was/is friendly to everyone, but the leg touching in particular really got me thinking....and i might be crazy but i felt there was something in it.
Secondly, I think I have decided that i feel too strongly to say nothing, it's driving me mad. So how? when? where?
I'm really not good at this!
All opinions welcomed....
0
Comments
Yeah it was weird.....she's not usually the touchy/feely type. I'm even wondering if I imagined it (I wasn't that drunk!)
Up until saturday i was totally convinced that this was completely one sided but now the seed of doubt has been sewn I can't stop thinking about it. But I am well aware I could just be seeing what I want to see
We have arranged to go out for drinks over christmas at some point, not sure if it will be just us or a few people yet though
Oddly enough that's exactly how I imagined I would say it if i ever plucked up the courage....!
It seems like in your last thread there was a doubt as to whether risking losing her as a friend by asking her out, or staying friends and keeping your feelings for her a secret. Is this still the case or perhaps you think it might be worth asking her out now due to signs she might be giving out?
You did say 18 months ago she was not interested however now you say you are closer and the body language she seems to have given you that night could mean something more.
To have strong feelings for a close friend is always hard to deal with. Think carefully whether you want be honest with her about your feelings and risk losing her. Perhaps you could take her for a drink as a friend and find out about her love life if she has one? Perhaps she mentions someone and that could be a clue or perhaps she is single and mentions she would like a boyfriend. Decide whether it is worth it and make your move if it is!
Good luck
That's a brush off isn't it? Have just told her that i'll happily buy her a drink and to let me know if she changes her mind but not holding my breath.
Seriously regretting not just dragging her outside on saturday and snogging her face off....i at least could have used the alcohol as an excuse!
Told her that I am sure I could stretch to one drink and to let me know if she changes her mind, and to get well soon.
She said ok, if not we will sort something out over christmas.
Just get the impression she is not overly keen to see me, but then I think that about almost everyone! :d
that sounds very specific and might make her think youre not that interested in her if you couldnt or werent prepared to pay for more than one drink.
Im not saying that way of thinking is right or wrong. Probably slightly old fashioned, but if youre trying to impress a girl, most girls would probably like you to be prepared to buy them a few drinks or a meal or something. If she then then insisted on paying halves, then thats different
If we'd just met I'd be absolutely inclined to agree with you - I'm old fashioned too!
TBH I don't think her judging me as stingy is an issue, I have bought her plenty of drinks/done her plenty of favours in the past. Just suggested one because she is a busy girl and isn't feeling too good, didn't want to pile the pressure on...
Not sure dating etiquette applies when you are well and truly "friend zoned"!
You need to get yourself OUT of the friend zone though and into boyfriend zone
How?! 64 million dollar question....
This whole thing is driving me insane...why can't i just summon the courage to kiss her or something, she may get the message then!
I'm not trying to put you off making your move, quite the opposite. Seems like you've reached the stage with this girl where she's occupying a lot of your thoughts and you want to do something about it (I know all too well how that feels). I wouldn't go straight for the kill and kiss her without trying to get physically closer to her first and see how she reacts and take things from there. Once you've broken that boundary the rest will most likely feel natural. Hopefully it will just happen for you both. Worst case scenario and it doesn't go to plan, remind yourself how bad not knowing how she sees you feels and at least by knowing you can get out there and meet new women. I met a really nice guy in the end who's much more straightforward about his feelings and what he wants from life and that works well for me right now. Although occasionally I do think about the other man and why he couldn't have just kept things on a friendship level if he wasn't interested in more, I'm glad we're not in contact for the time being.
First of all thanks for your replies
I have serious confidence issues when it comes to women due to a few things that have gone on in the past/general shyness. I had one girl who i considered a good friend just start ignoring me for no apparent reason....amongst other various non starters. I lost contact with all of them. I have never had a relationship.
So now, I suppose understandably, I am so careful (probably too careful) what i say and do around a girl, especially if i like her...
The girl in question is a popular one, and I am so concerned that i have mistaken her friendliness for something more, particularly as she does blow hot and cold on me sometimes. All of my senses tell me she doesn't feel like I do but I have so little experience how would I know! I know how she feels about guys who try it on with her, if she's not interested she cuts them loose. I don't want that to happen, I don't have enough friends to start throwing them away...
I also don't know if I have been giving off signals....i do regularly pay her compliments, make a point of being gentlemanly and help her out when i can, and try to be flirty in texts etc. If someone did that would you think they liked you? Forgetting the 6 red roses i sent her last year....that was pretty obvious!
What do you mean by getting physically closer to her without kissing her "in that way"? have done the gentlemanly linked arms, hug/peck on the cheek to death....lol
I know it's insane to think that by kissing her i could magically make her fall in love with me but I am a little bit irrational right now. She is occupying the vast majority of my thoughts (probaly more than is healthy) so I have decided I have to do something. It's just working out how and summoning the courage to do so....
Of course I have to see her first, she's not texted me yet... :eek:
Infatuation can be fun, but once you reach the stage where someone is occupying a lot of your thoughts and you still feel like you don't know where you stand maybe it is time to get things out in the open. Friends come and go through life and I'm sure once you push yourself out of your comfort zone a little more and get talking to new people, there's absolutely no reason why you wouldn't make a few new friends.
I have 100% decided that my focus should be on "getting myself out there" a bit more, doing new things and meeting new people, and I'm sure that friendships and/or a relationship will come from that.
I know I can't flick a switch and become confident just like that but as you say i have to make an effort and not let disappointments affect me as much as they have. I have a list of things I want to do - just have to do them! Easy eh?! :rolleyes:
Infatuation is no fun! Every word she says means something I'm sure it probably doesn't and it is driving me mad...for example i wished her a nice break last night and she replied "thanks, have a good week, chat when i get back" and I couldn't help but feel that she was bing unfriendly and if she wanted to chat with me that much her phone almost definitely does work abroad! Ridiculous eh... :rolleyes:
As for whether I could be friends with her whilst feeling this way. I think probably yes, we aren't best best friends so i'd probably only have to pretend i didn't love her in person about once a month....!
Since last weekend we have texted 3 times and each conversation has only lasted 4 or 5 texts and has been ended by her (except last night). That's hardly flirtatious is it?!
Think I am just going to see what happens over xmas, if she comes home and is keen to see me one on one then we will go out and i will think about "confessing" but if I don't hear from her for 2 weeks I think it's safe to say i am not at the forefront of her mind like she is mine....
I really think my feelings wouldn't be bothering me so much if I had more things/people in my life to focus on....
Well done on asking her out! Like you said she seems hot and cold with you at the moment and therefore probably isn't sure what she wants. If you are still very keen, try and take it conversation by conversation and see how it develops. If you decide to keep pursuing her, it is important, as SuzyCreamcheese mentioned, to get yourself out of the friend zone and into the "I want to date you" zone!
You also mention;
Why not try and make this happen? You could meet new people by volunteering for example in sports, arts etc. You could also make an extra effort to go out with work/uni mates or rekindle old friendships.
Making yourself more busy will not only be a benefit to you in terms of social life, but can also boost your confidence. Having low self esteem can indeed affect relationships and how you approach them so try and work on gradually building that confidence.
Good luck!
Thanks Christele - don't think i was particularly brave asking if she wanted to go for a drink - not like we haven't done that before!
But yeah she certainly isn't giving me the come on so I'm just going to leave her alone for a while and see what happens over xmas......
Have a couple of nights out planned over xmas and got in touch with a few people I haven't seen in a while on facebook etc....
Have a long list of things i might get involved in that i am getting around to sorting out to hopefully make my life a bit more interesting in the next few months! I'll keep you posted!
Gotta be more to life than sitting around the house moping over some girl right!
We went out for Christmas/catch up drinks yesterday We just drank, laughed and talked about nothing in particular for 6 hours. It was really good.
Anyway it got a bit drunk and flirty, she had a prior engagement to be at early in the evening, I said she should stay with me and she said "you'll have to convince me i'm special and make the most of until i go". At this point I kissed her on the lips. She didn't ask what the hell i was doing or storm off which is good, and she actually kissed me herself a minute or so later. Just a quick one as we were in a crowded pub... We had had a few but were still conscious! She got a lift home 15 mins or so later.
I texted her a bit later to say "hope you are convinced of your specialness" and wished her a nice evening and she said "thanks for a good day, hope you enjoyed it too" to which i of course replied saying i had a great time and that it was just a shame she had to leave so early.....but no mention of the specialness!
She spoke to me in a way which made me think there is more there than friendship but is it possible that sober she will totally regret kissing me?!
How do I play this? I know from talking her that she hates being pressured and for things to get too intense too quickly, and I am vastly inexperienced so fine with that myself, but I know it's up to me to make the effort at the same time.....but ideally without scaring her off! If there is something there I want to take the opportunity of seeing where it goes....do i contact her today or wait? and do i mention the kiss!
Can you tell I am not good at this? :d
I texted her yesterday and suggested we do something again before we both go back to work next week and got back "just want to catch up on my sleep until then but will let you know when I have"
I also said that i felt our conversation got cut short the other night and she said "which conversation", i told her which one and she said "oh yes i remember our random drunk conversation, it's ok i know i'm special"
Simple question, if she'd have been thinking about it would she not have wanted to discuss it a bit more instead of fobbing me off?
Think it was just some drunk indiscretion on her part the other day
Was also at the same party as her last night and heard her tell one of her girlfriends that she "isn't looking for anyone right now" and given that I know she goes on lots of dates and is enjoying being young free and single at the moment that some massive declaration of love would be a mistake and only serve to cost me a friend.
I'm just going to back off and try and enjoy 2011. I know moping about after her isn't going to do anyone any good. If I improve myself then who knows, maybe she will start to miss me a little bit.....and next time i see her I am hoping there won't be alcohol involved so if it feels right I can tell her how i feel and possibly have her take me seriously.
Good to hear you have made a decision as to what to do for the new year. Seems like something did happen between you, however if she cannot be sure about it until now, then perhaps she isn't ready, as you heard her tell her friends.
As you say, perhaps stepping back could show you whether she'd miss you, and at the same time it could be good you too to have the space and perhaps enjoy being single for now and be around the people you recently got in touch with
We are always here to help so keep venting if you need to! x
Thanks. I think the problem is I felt something did happen but i've had the impression from her since that in her eyes nothing did, or at least nothing she is interested in talking about further.....
I am one of these people who analyses every little bit of a conversation when it matters to me enough, even a drunken one....but i told her she was special, kissed her and then asked her if she's like to go out again, it's not like i haven't even slightly hinted i might like her even in my own bumbling fashion!
After wishing her a new year i told her to let me know when she had caught up on her sleep. Ball is in her court, I just need to get on with my life....