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Need help with sticky situation
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello, first time on the forums.
Im 19 year old man, and am living out on my own. I'm currently renting a room in an apartment with two 40 year old gay males. Everything's been going great so far, we've all become the best of friends within a month. One of them in particular has been getting along extra well with me, and we hang out almost every day after I get home from work. Real cool guy, would never guess he was gay if he wasn't with his partner for 17 years.
I'm very mature about sexual orientation, so it's never been an issue. We've both shared a lot about our experiences w/ each other. I feel comfortable trusting him as a friend and as a roommate.
One night when the roommate drank a little too much, he started to hit on me. He wasn't being very discreet, just getting veeeery close, and playfully touching my face or head while talking. I knew he was drunk, and decided to just ignore it and let him pass out 5 minutes later. I talked to him about it the next day, and he apologized and was really embarassed. He said he didn't remember much, but I think he remembers pretty clearly. Anyway I was able to let that go from ~2 weeks ago, and we've been back to good friends. I do feel recently that there's been some slight change, just an awkward vibe that was never there before.
We're painting my new room, so I'm sleeping on an inflatable bed in the living room temporarily. My roommate was watching T.V. on the couch, while I passed out on the bed. I woke up in the middle of the night to find him kneeling over me with his hands on my leg. Needless to say he scared the crap out of me, and I decided to brush it off and act like I didn't notice his hands or how close he was, so I just got up and walked around until he fell asleep on the couch, then I returned to bed.
Less than an hour after I fell back asleep, I woke up again with him kneeling over me and his hands on my crotch... I think we both knew I couldn't just look the other way on this one. First thing that was said was that he scared the shit out of me, followed by a question of what he was doing. He knew I knew though, and only answered saying "just a little bit" and began to move one hand to go under my shorts. I immediately put my hands on top of his to stop them, and repeated no, that I don't want to do anything, is that ok? ..."just a little bit" --almost pleading. I told him no again, and he backed off, smoked a cigarette, went to the bathroom and went to bed. I'm now staking out the rest of the night on the couch, confused and a little scared.
I really need this room, and I really like them as friends. Could I have been leading him on somehow? I don't want to hurt his feelings, but it's common knowledge that my preference is straight and that I'm not interested. What is the best way to go about explaining that I don't ever want to be touched or offered anything sexual by him again, while not risking our friendship and business relationship?
Thank you for any advice!
Im 19 year old man, and am living out on my own. I'm currently renting a room in an apartment with two 40 year old gay males. Everything's been going great so far, we've all become the best of friends within a month. One of them in particular has been getting along extra well with me, and we hang out almost every day after I get home from work. Real cool guy, would never guess he was gay if he wasn't with his partner for 17 years.
I'm very mature about sexual orientation, so it's never been an issue. We've both shared a lot about our experiences w/ each other. I feel comfortable trusting him as a friend and as a roommate.
One night when the roommate drank a little too much, he started to hit on me. He wasn't being very discreet, just getting veeeery close, and playfully touching my face or head while talking. I knew he was drunk, and decided to just ignore it and let him pass out 5 minutes later. I talked to him about it the next day, and he apologized and was really embarassed. He said he didn't remember much, but I think he remembers pretty clearly. Anyway I was able to let that go from ~2 weeks ago, and we've been back to good friends. I do feel recently that there's been some slight change, just an awkward vibe that was never there before.
We're painting my new room, so I'm sleeping on an inflatable bed in the living room temporarily. My roommate was watching T.V. on the couch, while I passed out on the bed. I woke up in the middle of the night to find him kneeling over me with his hands on my leg. Needless to say he scared the crap out of me, and I decided to brush it off and act like I didn't notice his hands or how close he was, so I just got up and walked around until he fell asleep on the couch, then I returned to bed.
Less than an hour after I fell back asleep, I woke up again with him kneeling over me and his hands on my crotch... I think we both knew I couldn't just look the other way on this one. First thing that was said was that he scared the shit out of me, followed by a question of what he was doing. He knew I knew though, and only answered saying "just a little bit" and began to move one hand to go under my shorts. I immediately put my hands on top of his to stop them, and repeated no, that I don't want to do anything, is that ok? ..."just a little bit" --almost pleading. I told him no again, and he backed off, smoked a cigarette, went to the bathroom and went to bed. I'm now staking out the rest of the night on the couch, confused and a little scared.
I really need this room, and I really like them as friends. Could I have been leading him on somehow? I don't want to hurt his feelings, but it's common knowledge that my preference is straight and that I'm not interested. What is the best way to go about explaining that I don't ever want to be touched or offered anything sexual by him again, while not risking our friendship and business relationship?
Thank you for any advice!
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Comments
As a gay guy myself, I would be appalled by another gay guy groping me in such a manner. This is borderline sexual assault if it isn't actually sexual assault.
The only way that you would be 'leading him on' is to respond invitingly to his innuendos and touch, but even then, as with girls, 'no' always means 'no'. Just being male and having a penis is no invitation for unwelcome advances.
Fortunately, as I am sure you know with your very open-minded and mature outlook, most gay guys are not like that. You get straight male sex pests - and you get gay male sex pests.
I would suggest that you get a quiet moment with him and tell him that unless he wishes to drive you out of the house, he must never do this again. Under any circumstances.
Furthermore, why would you be 'afraid of hurting his feelings'?
Thanks again!
Personally, I'd have called the police on his perverted ass...
you must be desperate for the room. How did it go?
Teagan: one reason why a victim of an assault like this might wonder if they had done something to lead to this happening is that a victim of sexual assault sometimes feels unsure of themselves, questions themselves and their behaviour trying to decipher if they did anything to CAUSE the assault. It is also difficult for people to admit to having been sexually assaulted, to allow themselves to recognise that they were a victim of a crime- no one wants to be a victim. Also, feelings of friendship and confusion can get in the way of a straight black/white view of sexual assault.
confuseddotcom: reporting an assault to the police is often not what a victim would like to do in these circumstances. The most obvious reason is that there is no proof, no physical evidence that can be examined. The second reason is for mental protection - it can be traumatic to relive and retell a sexual assualt. Telling the police could seem like another violation, to have to tell people what hapened and relive the situation, whilst knowing that there is very little likelyhood of the perpetrator even being charged, let alone convicted. This is not to say that I don't think that sexual predators should be reported, more that I understand the barriers to reporting sexually based crimes.
From an objective view (I am not friends with either of you), this constitutes a sexual assault. And as for whether anything you did caused this to happen: the answer is NO, even if you had been flirting with this man, you didn't ask for and didn't give consent for him to place his hands over your crotch whilst you were asleep.
I do understand not wanting to rock the boat though. And, housing situations can make things very difficult. Is there somewhere else you could go to immediately, just as a short term measure while you find somewhere else to live. I personally would not feel safe or comfortable falling asleep in that house again without a lock on my door.
How are you feeling about it all today?
Some very good points, hit the nail on the head there.
Everything went well though, made it a point to talk to my roommate when I next saw him. Told him how it made me feel uncomfortable and didn't want it to ever happen again--or I was moving out. Asked him if it was going to be a problem just to get confirmation that he was listening and understood it all. He apologized again and promised for it to never happen. I think I can take it from here, if he ever gets close again I'll go through with a report and be moving out ASAP.
Thanks again for all your help, I would not have known that this counts as sexual assault--I honestly never would have expected or seen it coming from a guy.
Edit: And I do have a lock for my bedroom door that I normally use every night. Just was an issue with sleeping in the living room I guess. Painting's done though, back to my room.
Oh, I don't dispute any of that. I thought I had made it clear that 'no' was 'no' under any circumstances and he was the victim. Apologies if that was not clear.
Well done for talking to your housemate about how you felt and telling him how much this bothered you. He clearly crossed the line and hopefully, as you said, he will step away now and never make such an attempt again. If you are ever in this situation again, and also for your own knowledge, here is a link concerning sexual assault. The latter explores your rights and what to do if you feel you are a victim of such assault.
Hope this helps!