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Cheated years ago (follow up)

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
The kids found this out almost 3 weeks ago now.

Thank you all for your replies. The answers that I got from you were nice but the facts are not what I would want them to be.

My daughter 16 is still not talking to me. Statements I get from her are "You are a hypocrite" "I dont respect you" "I need space leave me alone". "you ruined our lives" " lied to me for years".

My son 18 has reversed his previous attitude that this was "A long time ago" and that I am "A better man today". He has now decided basically what my daughter has decided.

I have resorted to telling them to keep the text's and messages to respectful and non abusive ones so communication has stopped.

The realization I have come too is that I am the source of mine and my childrens pain. I dont mean to be insensitive but I believe my ex-wife dealt with this 14 years ago.

At this point I have wait for them and hope for the best. Unfortunately I think I lost my ability to nurture, advise, and for all intensive purposes be "a dad". The kids wont see or talk to me.

As time goes by the pain becomes more dull and the shame becomes easier to live with. My desire to run and drop out of society has subsided and I am taking it "one day at a time".

My take away is this: Dont cheat ever! You will pay the price one day. Others will pay the price at the time and later. If you happen to get away with it.... It is only borrowed time.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    oh so its your ex wife. Shes just decided to turn them against you, probably in an attempt to make herself look better.
    Id bide your time and just be patient. Itll blow over. Just let them know youre there for them
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree with Suzy, just give it time. They've only just found out, but they will calm down. And they are only young. When you are young, you expect your parents to be perfect and wise and to make only good decisions. Then you grow up a bit, and realise that they are just like you - only human, flawed in lots of ways, sometimes making mistakes but always trying to do the best they can with the information they have available at the time.

    I also think you need to go easy on yourself. Yes, you did the wrong thing. But it was fourteen years ago, for goodness sake! Your wife might still be angry and bitter, and so chose to hurt you by telling your children. But more than enough time has elapsed now and she really ought to have let it go. And most crucially, so must you. Yes, you fucked up. You're only human, and humans make mistakes.

    You aren't required to wear sackcloth and ashes and beat yourself up for the rest of your life.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    oh so its your ex wife.

    Oh yeah. That wasn't made clear in his previous post. Sounds like ex-wife is just shit stirring unfortunately.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To be honest I'm a little surprised they refuse to talk to you purely based on the knowledge that you cheated on your ex. I wonder if she's said other things to try and make the situation worse. I'm fairly sure my dad cheated on my mum with his current wife (I was 5 when they divorced), but it's not spoken about and I don't really want to know. What happened happened, and I wouldn't hold it against him. Hopefully your kids will realise that soon.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    As days go by

    As each day goes by the situation becomes easier to bare. It almost seems like a break up. I guess it is a break up. You know when you first break up with a significant other and all you want is to get back with that person? Part of your motivation is to make the pain stop the other part is a desire for return to normality. You may be correct in your thinking and it may not be the right thing to get back together. You want to get back together anyway. Time is the thing that fixes it. That is how it seems with this.

    My daughter is my good friend. We love to sit and talk about the music she likes. We love to watch movies together. She practices archery and I like to go and hang out with her when she does that. This hasnt been just a "miss my daughter thing" it has been a "i want my friend back thing".

    My son is a bit different. I have a good idea that he has sort of jumped on the "dad suck bandwagon" to create interference. It turns out that he has been drinking and smoking alot more in the past few weeks. Staying out all night with girls. This issue is worrysome but i think him and I can address it. At least yesterday was a day of talking to him about it.

    The point that is today I am finally starting to feel normal again. I am finally feeling like a dad again. Your replies and other things have helped me realize that I am going to be ok. The kids will be ok. Tomorrow I might lapse into negativity but today...right now....im ok.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    mend wrote: »
    My daughter is my good friend. We love to sit and talk about the music she likes. We love to watch movies together. She practices archery and I like to go and hang out with her when she does that. This hasnt been just a "miss my daughter thing" it has been a "i want my friend back thing".

    I'm glad you're feeling ok - sounds like you've been making progress.

    Just wanted to point out that your daughter is your daughter, not your friend. You can get on with her brilliantly, you can have shared interests and you can support one another in your endeavours, but considering her to be your friend before she is your daughter is very risky territory. Parenting is also very much about guidance and some degree of authority, which just isn't present in a friendship. Don't forget you're her dad, and don't let her forget it, either.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well she is pretty much an adult.
    I count my mum as one of my best friends.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Friends and Parents

    Yeah I agree with both of you. She is my daugther and I cant forget that. I think you can be friends when they are adults but...... I disagree with the fact that she is pretty much an adult. I dont think that kids become a fully baked loaf of bread until they are much older. They are legally adults but they are not adults upstairs.

    My comments about my daughter were not really "she is my friend" comments. They were not meant to be anyway. But she is for sure "daddys little girl". That is why we spend so much time together.

    I just miss her alot and was trying to illustrate that we spent alot of time together.
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