If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
Am I being used?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I am 22, never been in a proper relationship. I focused on uni, getting a good job and my own place, which I have acheived. I don't get out much - mainly because I am new to the city where I work and moved here for the job and secondly because I am quite happy alone and socialising at work. The people I work with live miles away and commute to work so don't go out with them that often.
Anyway as a result I joined an online dating site and waited until I found somebody who I class as 'ideal'. I find a man with aims and goals very attraction and knows what he wants in life. So found this man, ticked all of my boxes and he's a teacher.
We met in real life for the first time last week, went for a meal and he came back to mine (I invited). We ended up kissing, which was nice, but then he suggested having sex, which I said no, as im not like that.
Anyway his communication has become less frequent since and I set up a fake online dating profile and messaged him, pretending I was up for casual sex and he agreed to meet!!
Should I just quit the communications as he is not the man he makes out to be?
Thanks for any help, I am totally new to this dating lark!
Anyway as a result I joined an online dating site and waited until I found somebody who I class as 'ideal'. I find a man with aims and goals very attraction and knows what he wants in life. So found this man, ticked all of my boxes and he's a teacher.
We met in real life for the first time last week, went for a meal and he came back to mine (I invited). We ended up kissing, which was nice, but then he suggested having sex, which I said no, as im not like that.
Anyway his communication has become less frequent since and I set up a fake online dating profile and messaged him, pretending I was up for casual sex and he agreed to meet!!
Should I just quit the communications as he is not the man he makes out to be?
Thanks for any help, I am totally new to this dating lark!
0
Comments
I think it's fair to say that this guy is ultimately looking for sex and is not too fussed if that doesn't include any kind of bonding. Nobody, apart from himself, can say for definite if that's ALL he is looking for, but he's certainly happy to have that without any strings and so you can't rely on him to come back for more if you accept his advances. And the fact that his communication has become less frequent does tell a story.
I would suggest you forget that guy as it sounds like he has different objectives to yourself. Keep on looking, don't give up hope, and stick to your values and your wants. Not every guy will be looking purely for hook-ups.
Back in school, we did silly fundrasing for Children In Need every year. One of the fundrasing events was a dating agency where you filled in a form with different tickboxes. One of the questions was "Do you want either a) Long term relationship, b) Short term relationship, c) A quick fling?" Surely there must be something similar on these dating sites to separate guys who just want quick sex and those like you Missindependent who is looking for longer term? If the agency doesn't ask this question, then this problem is simply waiting to happen.
What is it what you are not like?
A Person that likes sex? A person that has sex before marriage?
How did he lie about himself? Was one of the boxes you ticked "Not going to have sex until the x-th date?"
So you had a nice date, were kissing and he suggested sex. Sounds very normal and reasonable to me. Maybe I'm odd, but inviting someone home and making out and NOT having sex sounds odd to me.
Maybe look for a priest then?
This is not odd, true.
But after making out? Does this count as "getting to know someone better" too? If a girl makes out with me in her house and sends me home then I'd have a feeling she was just teasing me.
There is no invitation to fuck until you say 'let's fuck'.
If girl A invites boy B back to her place, makes out with him, and then decides she's had enough and sends him home, he has no right to sex, and this cannot be an excuse or justification for rape or sexual assault. So in that sense, I'm in agreement with katralla and Franki, that making out is not an invitation to fuck.
That said, if you do those things you must realise he will think he is in there, and so if you then send him packing (which you are well within your rights to do) you have still led him on and given him the wrong impression, and shouldn't be surprised if he is a bit put out or aggrieved.
Just because we have a right to do something (ie, lead someone to believe we are going to fuck them and then at the last minute change our minds) doesn't mean that we should do those things, so where possible, we ought to try not to send mixed messages or give a false impression of what we want from someone.
I'm not saying the OP had sent mixed messages, by the way. Nor am I saying that if you send mixed messages the bloke has a right to rape you - he doesn't. But he might have a right to feel aggrieved if you spend all night leading him to believe he's going to get laid then change your mind at the last minute.
But if you do that without making clear that you're not interested in sex, only some kissing, then that makes you a not very nice person, in my opinion. Why not just be honest, and say from the outset what you want so there are no hurt feelings or bruised egos?
I wouldn't think I had a right to have sex with him. But I would definitely think he had misled me, and would feel stupid and embarrassed and like a dickhead afterwards for having got the wrong impression, when really he had allowed me to get the wrong impression.
I wouldn't like someone to do it to me, therefore I shouldn't do it to anyone else.
or that she wasn't planning on doing it anyway. See OP.
As if that ever happens. I for one am one to ask early enough to know what is awaiting me, but usually sex is something that happens spontaneous, and is not made clear from beginning.
Totally agree with jamelia there. She describes my opinion better than I could.
If this question is also directed at me: No. I don't. I don't expect anything. But I start to expect it when she starts to make out with me. Like jamelia said, yea, I have no right to do and expect anything, but that's the bitch expectation is. If someone leds you to believe you are going to have sex (and be honest, making out IS the precursor to sex 99% of the time, or do you just go with someone to bed without kissing them beforehand), but then you don't it feels pretty pretty shitty.
Certainly, if they were going to make out with me but didn't want to fuck me, I would expect them to make that clear before making out with me.
I can't see a reason why I'd feel I was misled. Even if a girl made it seem like she did want sex I'd still totally allow for her changing her mind, and I wouldn't throw a pissy fit about it. If I was into the girl and chose to spend my time with her for reasons other than getting a quick ride then I don't see how I could possibly feel so terrible about not getting sex. Unless I felt like my time was somehow wasted, in which case I'd consider myself an asshole for feeling that way. Not that I ever will.
Yeah, me too, if I am told not to get my hopes up beforehand. Better than nothing then.
Yeah, that was my point. I would be perfectly up for some snogging and nothing else, but it's the decent thing to do to make it clear that that's all that's on the cards.
Id be pissed off/hurt/embarrassed if someone then sent me packing, and whilst of course, anyone has the right to say no at any point, id probably not be as interested in seeing that person again.
Wow, didn't expect tailwind when I saw you posting here, but it's reassuring that other people think so too.