If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
Wasn't aware I was inviting your gf
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
So I have this friend. We'll call him R.
So background is that things have always been sexually tense between us cos we have the hots for each other, but we've always been in rships. But in the new year, after a break with his gf and leading me on, he set me straight, that he was getting back with her. I wasn't happy, but life moves on. We've only seen each other once since then. I want to see him again, as he's a good friend, we get along fantastically.
So I write on his FB wall to come over for dinner next fri. Then his gf replies, saying sounds grand, she'll bring something too.
UM??? WTF? I didn't invite you. It wasn't an open invite. I haven't met you. I find that really rude and I'm quite pissed off. I don't want to meet her, for obv reasons, and she is obviously starting to state her territory over him. Maybe he's told her about us. I don't know. I don't know what to say to him. He hasn't said any thing yet, I don't know whether to mail him or text him, in case she's there and will read it. And what to say.
"Sorry, R, but I didn't invite your gf. I haven't met her, nor do I want to, I think you can figure out for yourself why. What she did just then was such a territory thing, I don't really know what to say. Bye bye friendship?"
I don't really want to back off. I'm pretty much as backed off as I can be. We're at the state of nearly acquaintances now, whereas before, we were quite good friends even though we hadn't known each other long. Grr.
So background is that things have always been sexually tense between us cos we have the hots for each other, but we've always been in rships. But in the new year, after a break with his gf and leading me on, he set me straight, that he was getting back with her. I wasn't happy, but life moves on. We've only seen each other once since then. I want to see him again, as he's a good friend, we get along fantastically.
So I write on his FB wall to come over for dinner next fri. Then his gf replies, saying sounds grand, she'll bring something too.
UM??? WTF? I didn't invite you. It wasn't an open invite. I haven't met you. I find that really rude and I'm quite pissed off. I don't want to meet her, for obv reasons, and she is obviously starting to state her territory over him. Maybe he's told her about us. I don't know. I don't know what to say to him. He hasn't said any thing yet, I don't know whether to mail him or text him, in case she's there and will read it. And what to say.
"Sorry, R, but I didn't invite your gf. I haven't met her, nor do I want to, I think you can figure out for yourself why. What she did just then was such a territory thing, I don't really know what to say. Bye bye friendship?"
I don't really want to back off. I'm pretty much as backed off as I can be. We're at the state of nearly acquaintances now, whereas before, we were quite good friends even though we hadn't known each other long. Grr.
0
Comments
Ok, don't. Just say something like, I haven't seen you for ages so I wanted to catch up, I'm sure I can meet the gf some other time though...
(even though you don't want to, you just suggest that you will but never actually do it)
On the other hand, when meeting someone the first time I much prefer the opportunity to make excuses and go - which just isn't happening with a meal.
Up the ante. Tell her you don't really have room for three at your place, so why don't you go round to them...
^ that :yes:
Yes, you're completely right. It's always been there, it won't not be there. We're just two people who have such chemistry. But I know he's out of bounds. And tbh, I'm still pissed off at him for leading me on. But I want that friendship, because that chemistry is fun.
I think I may wait to see what he does, but I'm interested still on what other people think, in case his response isn't what I need.
I would start marking my territory as well.
If I were her, I would be dubious as to your motives, and wondering why you are trying to organise such an intimate activity with him. If she doesn't want him to come over to yours for dinner by himself, I don't think she's being unreasonable. If you want to see him, why not do it in a public place? And if you're not planning on making a move, why are you so reluctant ever to meet her? You don't have to invite her along every time you see him. But to never want to meet her...well, it gives her just cause to be suspicious of you.
I think she's being quite smart, actually. I would probably do the same.
Oh no, I see it from her point too, and I'd be annoyed as well. Thing is, he's come to mine for dinner before. We've done movies, coffee, even a sleepover, but I don't think she knows about that as they were on a break at the time.
But the fact is she just invited herself, and I find that really rude. I would never do that. I would have a quiet word to my fella and be like - "um, who's this chick?"
I don't want to meet her purely because she's the girl of the guy who I want(ed) to be with, so there's just that natural "I don't like you because of that" rule. I'm not someone who can just be happy smiles, put it all behind me.
I get that you don't want to be friends with her, why would you? But the situation is, he is with her now, and so if you still want to be his friend, you'll have to address that. Avoiding meeting her will only arouse her suspicions further. The fact that you don't want to meet her will make her assume it's because you're going to try and split them up.
I don't think you should invite her over to dinner if you don't want to. But I do think it's in your interest to make nice, a little. It's a good idea that you meet up with her at some point, be friendly, and make it clear to her you're not trying to steal her man. Win her trust a little, then she might relax a bit. At the moment, she has no reason to trust you.
The alternative is that you invite him over to dinner privately, not via his facebook wall, and he lies to her and pretends he's doing something else. Whether that's right or wrong, I don't know. But her response was to be expected, given that you're so reluctant to meet her, and the way you made the invitation.
My mate reckons I should bring a guy around (I reckon my ex bf would be up for it) too, just to a) play her at her game b) show her I'm not after her guy c) I can have male friends.
I was very sad about it, because I really thought we would have been fine if I just hadn't sent him that text message. So, play it smart. By all means have a little flirt with him, even invite him over for dinner. But don't do it in his facebook wall! Because the chances are, if she gets pissy and starts making demands, he will choose her over you, just for a quiet life. Unfortunately.
Hmm I thought I'd do it on his FB wall for a few reasons
1) He is shit at texting back
2) If I private messaged him, that seems more dodgy, you know?
My friend who I'm talking to all about this (when I should be asleep for work tomorrow) says:
him: yeah I would be very careful about this situation. Don't let your guard down...around both of them
Me: yeah see, it's going to be v. difficult, cos we both have a lot of chemistry and are natural flirts ... and with her around... I may address this with him, but how can he say that to her? cant do this dinner? why? ... um ...
hmm, I'm really going to have to watch myself if this goes ahead. I'll have to see what he says, cos i'm going to need to tell him to watch it too. Even last time we saw eachother he commented on my nice dress and flirted a bit
its just how we are
Wouldn't it all be funny if he was accidentally signed in under her account ...
About the only "save" on this is to move to a neutral venue, and perhaps show him your bitch pad some other time
There's a big difference between being a natural flirt and being unable to contain yourself. I am also a natural flirt, I do it with everybody but never has it been malicious or intended to go any further than just friendly banter. My boyfriend does, on occasion, express concern, but at the end of the day that's part of who I am and it's part of why he fell for me in the first place. I assume GothDetectives' friend has always been the same, and therefore his girlfriend must know that it's one of those things that just comes naturally to him. That doesn't mean she has no right to be concerned, far from it, but trying to make out GD to be some kind of malicious boyfriend-stealer just because she has a flirty nature isn't right either.
You're saying that it's ok to flirt out in the open but as soon as they're alone together all of a sudden GothDetectives and her friend start being at risk of deserting their morals? OHNOES. If that was the case I'd never be allowed to be around any of my male friends alone. Even if she does have feelings for him, that doesn't mean she's going to act on them. Sheesh.
GothDetectives - I have been in your position except I was completely unaware that the girlfriend would be around as much as she was. I'm no longer friends with the guy (for different reasons) but it kind of hurt that I'd spent a couple hours on a train to come and see him after not having seen him for a year and a half and I never got to spend any time with just him.
But if he told his girlfriend about whatever happened between the OP and himself when they were on the break, i know i'd definately be reacting the same way
I am afraid I am one of those who would question your motives for inviting your friend over to your new flat on his own. I'll be the first to admit that sexual chemistry is fun, addictive even, even when there is no prospect of actually following up on it. But, much as I fancy the guy, I wouldn't be putting myself into a situation where I might embarrass myself or, worse, we might jeapodise our friendship for ever if we both stepped over the mark.
If you want to maintain the friendship (along with its chemistry), I would be gracious, grit your teeth, and invite them both over. Your friend will thank you for it in the long run.
Thanks for understanding!
I need to point out to those who think I'm a boyfriend stealer that that's not going to happen. Not only cause I'm not that kind of person, but because I don't want to ruin his relationship, nor ruin our friendship. As if anything did happen between us, he would regret it, be devestated, then any future we may have would be jepordised. Therefore, my friendship with him is more important.
Besides, I rarely see him anyway. I'm not trying to seed him away from his gf.
And after all of that, I get a message today:
"Sorry, was logged in under my gfs account."
Awesome, all that worry over nothing.
LOL !
I'd have loved to have been a fly on the wall when his gf saw his post.
I told her she was no longer welcome hahaha. There is a huge difference between outright cheating where you're intending to kiss / have sex and a weekend of watching films, flirting and catching up!
Obviously when you're married and get serious and all that, you have to watch even when you just have a coffee at work with people of the opposite sex. But at this age when you're young you should be able to go round your friends house of same sex or opposite sex and god forbid even stay over without having to explain yourself!
Haha, hilarious!