Wasn't aware I was inviting your gf

Former Member

So I have this friend. We'll call him R.

So background is that things have always been sexually tense between us cos we have the hots for each other, but we've always been in rships. But in the new year, after a break with his gf and leading me on, he set me straight, that he was getting back with her. I wasn't happy, but life moves on. We've only seen each other once since then. I want to see him again, as he's a good friend, we get along fantastically.

So I write on his FB wall to come over for dinner next fri. Then his gf replies, saying sounds grand, she'll bring something too.

UM??? WTF? I didn't invite you. It wasn't an open invite. I haven't met you. I find that really rude and I'm quite pissed off. I don't want to meet her, for obv reasons, and she is obviously starting to state her territory over him. Maybe he's told her about us. I don't know. I don't know what to say to him. He hasn't said any thing yet, I don't know whether to mail him or text him, in case she's there and will read it. And what to say.

"Sorry, R, but I didn't invite your gf. I haven't met her, nor do I want to, I think you can figure out for yourself why. What she did just then was such a territory thing, I don't really know what to say. Bye bye friendship?"

I don't really want to back off. I'm pretty much as backed off as I can be. We're at the state of nearly acquaintances now, whereas before, we were quite good friends even though we hadn't known each other long. Grr.

Former Member

"I've never met you, it's a bit presumptuous to invite yourself into a threesome"

Former Member

Oooooohhh!!! ouch! hahahaha

Former Member

ha ha ha, funny. send that one ^^

Ok, don't. Just say something like, I haven't seen you for ages so I wanted to catch up, I'm sure I can meet the gf some other time though...

(even though you don't want to, you just suggest that you will but never actually do it)

Former Member

Not wanting to meet her is, perhaps, a warning sign - that you want to meet as more than just friends, that you want that tension. (And, well, why not - it feels good, even if you don't do anything) But your proposed response does seem to say you're not interested in him as just a friend.

On the other hand, when meeting someone the first time I much prefer the opportunity to make excuses and go - which just isn't happening with a meal.

Up the ante. Tell her you don't really have room for three at your place, so why don't you go round to them...

Former Member

katralla wrote: »

Ok, don't. Just say something like, I haven't seen you for ages so I wanted to catch up, I'm sure I can meet the gf some other time though...

^ that :yes:

Former Member

Big Gay wrote: »

Not wanting to meet her is, perhaps, a warning sign - that you want to meet as more than just friends, that you want that tension. (And, well, why not - it feels good, even if you don't do anything) But your proposed response does seem to say you're not interested in him as just a friend.

Yes, you're completely right. It's always been there, it won't not be there. We're just two people who have such chemistry. But I know he's out of bounds. And tbh, I'm still pissed off at him for leading me on. But I want that friendship, because that chemistry is fun.

I think I may wait to see what he does, but I'm interested still on what other people think, in case his response isn't what I need.

Former Member

You can see her position. I would be fine with my bloke having a female friend, and would be fine with them going to the pub together, even the cinema. But I might draw the line at her inviting him over to her place for a cosy meal for two.

I would start marking my territory as well.

If I were her, I would be dubious as to your motives, and wondering why you are trying to organise such an intimate activity with him. If she doesn't want him to come over to yours for dinner by himself, I don't think she's being unreasonable. If you want to see him, why not do it in a public place? And if you're not planning on making a move, why are you so reluctant ever to meet her? You don't have to invite her along every time you see him. But to never want to meet her...well, it gives her just cause to be suspicious of you.

I think she's being quite smart, actually. I would probably do the same.

Former Member

Perhaps you should ask if she pisses on him before he leaves the house?

Former Member

jamelia wrote: »

You can see her position. I would be fine with my bloke having a female friend, and would be fine with them going to the pub together, even the cinema. But I might draw the line at her inviting him over to her place for a cosy meal for two.

I would start marking my territory as well.

If I were her, I would be dubious as to your motives, and wondering why you are trying to organise such an intimate activity with him. If she doesn't want him to come over to yours for dinner by himself, I don't think she's being unreasonable. If you want to see him, why not do it in a public place? And if you're not planning on making a move, why are you so reluctant ever to meet her? You don't have to invite her along every time you see him. But to never want to meet her...well, it gives her just cause to be suspicious of you.

I think she's being quite smart, actually. I would probably do the same.

Oh no, I see it from her point too, and I'd be annoyed as well. Thing is, he's come to mine for dinner before. We've done movies, coffee, even a sleepover, but I don't think she knows about that as they were on a break at the time.

But the fact is she just invited herself, and I find that really rude. I would never do that. I would have a quiet word to my fella and be like - "um, who's this chick?"
I don't want to meet her purely because she's the girl of the guy who I want(ed) to be with, so there's just that natural "I don't like you because of that" rule. I'm not someone who can just be happy smiles, put it all behind me.

Former Member

It is rude, but then, I can see why she's being rude. She has an inkling you're sniffing round her man - so normal social niceties go out of the window! She's being pretty clever, playing nice and being friendly while marking her territory, telling you that if you want to be his friend you'll have to accept that he comes with her too. It's a nice strategy, because she can't be accused of being unfriendly or cold toward you, or of trying to prevent you being friends.

I get that you don't want to be friends with her, why would you? But the situation is, he is with her now, and so if you still want to be his friend, you'll have to address that. Avoiding meeting her will only arouse her suspicions further. The fact that you don't want to meet her will make her assume it's because you're going to try and split them up.

I don't think you should invite her over to dinner if you don't want to. But I do think it's in your interest to make nice, a little. It's a good idea that you meet up with her at some point, be friendly, and make it clear to her you're not trying to steal her man. Win her trust a little, then she might relax a bit. At the moment, she has no reason to trust you.

The alternative is that you invite him over to dinner privately, not via his facebook wall, and he lies to her and pretends he's doing something else. Whether that's right or wrong, I don't know. But her response was to be expected, given that you're so reluctant to meet her, and the way you made the invitation.

Former Member

Yeah thanks, will take that in. Just thought I'd add, there's never been any *reluctance to meet her* before - by that I mean, no situations have come up really where I could have, and avoided, so this is really the first time it's been addressed, and it's kind of just hit me like, why the hell do you suddenly have this jealousy.

My mate reckons I should bring a guy around (I reckon my ex bf would be up for it) too, just to a) play her at her game b) show her I'm not after her guy c) I can have male friends.

Former Member

I had a very similar situation with a good male friend of mine - we both clearly fancied each other, and there was a lot of chemistry and a bit of flirting, especially when we were drunk, but nothing ever happened because we were both in relationships. His girlfriend was fine with us being friends, until one day I sent him a text message which she read, which was just a bit too affectionate for her liking - lots of love, xxx - and she went mental and paranoid, and never let him see me on his own ever again after that. She would often turn up unexpectedly on our nights out, and then he stopped agreeing to see me unless there were going to be loads of other people there, and eventually we sort of drifted apart.

I was very sad about it, because I really thought we would have been fine if I just hadn't sent him that text message. So, play it smart. By all means have a little flirt with him, even invite him over for dinner. But don't do it in his facebook wall! Because the chances are, if she gets pissy and starts making demands, he will choose her over you, just for a quiet life. Unfortunately.

Former Member

Sorry to hear that, that does suck.

Hmm I thought I'd do it on his FB wall for a few reasons

1) He is shit at texting back

2) If I private messaged him, that seems more dodgy, you know?

My friend who I'm talking to all about this (when I should be asleep for work tomorrow) says:

him: yeah I would be very careful about this situation. Don't let your guard down...around both of them

Me: yeah see, it's going to be v. difficult, cos we both have a lot of chemistry and are natural flirts ... and with her around... I may address this with him, but how can he say that to her? cant do this dinner? why? ... um ...
hmm, I'm really going to have to watch myself if this goes ahead. I'll have to see what he says, cos i'm going to need to tell him to watch it too. Even last time we saw eachother he commented on my nice dress and flirted a bit
its just how we are


Wouldn't it all be funny if he was accidentally signed in under her account ...

Former Member

Oh and also failed to mention, cos it is obvious to me, I'm inviting him around cos it's a new flat for me, so he can check it out. And I said this in the FB post too. Just FYI if that changes the prospects of anything.

Former Member

It makes it all the more reasonable for you not to want a stranger there, and so to resent her inviting herself - but it is also reasonable for her not to want a woman she doesn't know showing her boyfriend a bedroom.

About the only "save" on this is to move to a neutral venue, and perhaps show him your bitch pad some other time

Former Member

lax in her chocolate cake?

Former Member

geneve wrote: »

"cos we both have a lot of chemistry and are natural flirts"

Are you sure you should even be seeing him at all? If you can't contain yourself and just let their relationship be. It might be just how you are, but how would you like it if you were together and this girl he's dating now kept trying to spend time with him and flirt with him and wanted you out of the picture.

There's a big difference between being a natural flirt and being unable to contain yourself. I am also a natural flirt, I do it with everybody but never has it been malicious or intended to go any further than just friendly banter. My boyfriend does, on occasion, express concern, but at the end of the day that's part of who I am and it's part of why he fell for me in the first place. I assume GothDetectives' friend has always been the same, and therefore his girlfriend must know that it's one of those things that just comes naturally to him. That doesn't mean she has no right to be concerned, far from it, but trying to make out GD to be some kind of malicious boyfriend-stealer just because she has a flirty nature isn't right either.

Former Member

you really are dull

Former Member

geneve wrote: »

Ok a bit of flirting is totally fine, I even encourage it. But flirting with someone who have genuine feelings for in a private, dare I say intimate setting? No way Hose.

Lol wut.

You're saying that it's ok to flirt out in the open but as soon as they're alone together all of a sudden GothDetectives and her friend start being at risk of deserting their morals? OHNOES. If that was the case I'd never be allowed to be around any of my male friends alone. Even if she does have feelings for him, that doesn't mean she's going to act on them. Sheesh.

GothDetectives - I have been in your position except I was completely unaware that the girlfriend would be around as much as she was. I'm no longer friends with the guy (for different reasons) but it kind of hurt that I'd spent a couple hours on a train to come and see him after not having seen him for a year and a half and I never got to spend any time with just him.

Former Member

OP I think you have a right to think his girlfriend rude. I myself am in a very close group of males, myself and another female being the only two girls. I plan movie nights etc with my male friends even if my boyfriend cant make it, sometimes I go to one of the guys house and its just me and him. I can be a mega flirt, especially with one friend as we are very close but it is nothing more than a friendship. My boyfriend trusts me because he knows I love him. I think your friends GF is being slightly unfair, as long as the guy told her you guys are just friends. I cant see the big problem of having a meal with him in your new home. But maybe thats just me.

Former Member

and also... from what I gather, I dont think they were ever a couple Geneve.

Former Member

young_and_broken wrote: »

OP I think you have a right to think his girlfriend rude. I myself am in a very close group of males, myself and another female being the only two girls. I plan movie nights etc with my male friends even if my boyfriend cant make it, sometimes I go to one of the guys house and its just me and him. I can be a mega flirt, especially with one friend as we are very close but it is nothing more than a friendship. My boyfriend trusts me because he knows I love him. I think your friends GF is being slightly unfair, as long as the guy told her you guys are just friends. I cant see the big problem of having a meal with him in your new home. But maybe thats just me.

But if he told his girlfriend about whatever happened between the OP and himself when they were on the break, i know i'd definately be reacting the same way

Former Member

The thing is, nowhere (sorry if I've missed it) anywhere does it say that your male friend didn't actually suggest to his gf that she come over too. Since he told you that this woman and he were now an item (again), he might have assumed that you intended to invite them both over as a couple. It might sound a bit far-fetched to some, but these things do happen.

I am afraid I am one of those who would question your motives for inviting your friend over to your new flat on his own. I'll be the first to admit that sexual chemistry is fun, addictive even, even when there is no prospect of actually following up on it. But, much as I fancy the guy, I wouldn't be putting myself into a situation where I might embarrass myself or, worse, we might jeapodise our friendship for ever if we both stepped over the mark.

If you want to maintain the friendship (along with its chemistry), I would be gracious, grit your teeth, and invite them both over. Your friend will thank you for it in the long run.

Former Member

Franki wrote: »

There's a big difference between being a natural flirt and being unable to contain yourself. I am also a natural flirt, I do it with everybody but never has it been malicious or intended to go any further than just friendly banter. My boyfriend does, on occasion, express concern, but at the end of the day that's part of who I am and it's part of why he fell for me in the first place. I assume GothDetectives' friend has always been the same, and therefore his girlfriend must know that it's one of those things that just comes naturally to him. That doesn't mean she has no right to be concerned, far from it, but trying to make out GD to be some kind of malicious boyfriend-stealer just because she has a flirty nature isn't right either.

Thanks for understanding!

I need to point out to those who think I'm a boyfriend stealer that that's not going to happen. Not only cause I'm not that kind of person, but because I don't want to ruin his relationship, nor ruin our friendship. As if anything did happen between us, he would regret it, be devestated, then any future we may have would be jepordised. Therefore, my friendship with him is more important.

Besides, I rarely see him anyway. I'm not trying to seed him away from his gf.

And after all of that, I get a message today:

"Sorry, was logged in under my gfs account."

Awesome, all that worry over nothing.

Former Member

GothDetectives wrote: »

And after all of that, I get a message today:

"Sorry, was logged in under my gfs account."

Awesome, all that worry over nothing.

LOL !

I'd have loved to have been a fly on the wall when his gf saw his post.

Former Member

GD glad it was all sorted out in the end. I've had a similar experience in the past - a girl I'd been friends with for 5 years, 'nearly' slept with on more than one occasion , but still just close friends - invited her to see me for weekend at uni, she said yea, a few days later drops that she cant wait to show her boyfriend the sights!!

I told her she was no longer welcome hahaha. There is a huge difference between outright cheating where you're intending to kiss / have sex and a weekend of watching films, flirting and catching up!

Obviously when you're married and get serious and all that, you have to watch even when you just have a coffee at work with people of the opposite sex. But at this age when you're young you should be able to go round your friends house of same sex or opposite sex and god forbid even stay over without having to explain yourself!

Former Member

GothDetectives wrote: »

And after all of that, I get a message today:

"Sorry, was logged in under my gfs account."

Awesome, all that worry over nothing.

Haha, hilarious!

Former Member

funny!

Former Member

She might not be coming, but I can't imagine any girl being happy with the idea of their significant other having a meal in for 2 with someone he fancies and who fancies him back.

Former Member

I expect any partner of mine would be hot enoughthat people would fancy them, it's whether they'd act on those impulses that matter, surely. And, a bit of flirting just keeps peoplevital and sexy.