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Alasia: If I were you I'd cut him out for a bit. You need to focus on the health of you and your little'un, not worrying about some muppet who disappears the moment he's got what he wants. Maybe a bit of time with friends and family and trying to forget him would be worth a shot? You do have to accept though sweetheart, that if you keep letting him back in, he will keep messing you over. Sadly men wont change, no matter how much we convince ourselves that we can convert them into a faithful, monogamous gentleman.
But you didn't do that, you just made a sarky/nasty comment. I understand where you're coming from don't get me wrong. But if you see it from her point of view she posts on thesite to get advice or even just to clear her head, not to get abuse.
fair comment, the 1st comment i made was a little sarcy and i've apologised for that....but i stand by what i said in my 2nd post
So, why do you post here then?
this is at least the 4th topic with a similar feel [/QUOTE]
and? You don't have to even read them if her posts annoy you so much.
that works then, does it?
She is only responsible for her own actions, not his- he is a cock because he is a cock, she can only prevent him being that way to her, not change his actions for him.
I feel sorry for you then. And, if you have only so much compassion to give, why post here when it's obviously run out?
Seeing as your compassion has run out for this girl, do you think you can help her?
There is no way she'll be able to forget him, pregnancy and childbirth are major events in any woman's life, and if she raises the child herself she will have a constant reminder of this man and his impact on her life. She will have to be very strong to find a way to deal with this situation.
Aw, ain't you sweet?
i've stated what i think, and i've apologised for the sarcy comment
u going on and on aint achieving anything
i am not the only who has given an opinion which may not be seen as supportive....rip their posts to shreds if ya that bored....
Secondly - littleali; I'm not offended by your posts; I don't know you so can't really be offended, can I?
But I do get slightly peed off by your constant "you're stupid" attitude towards me. Yes, my threads have been samey and probably annoying to people that have read them over the past 8 months - but as someone said; if you don't like it, don't read it. Simple as that. Posting just for the sake of it, or to make a point of saying how bored you are is pointless, surely? All you're achieving by posting is bumping up my thread - maybe if you don't post no one else will, my thread will disappear to oblivion, and you won't have to endure my mindless ramblings any longer
And I'm not being sarky/nasty so please don't take it that way.
Thirdly; I've admitted my posts can be repetitive, but there are so many 'relationship' threads on here, all saying pretty much the same thing - I was dumped - why? Littleali have you had a go at the guy that has posted repeatedly about his ex Claire (I think, can't remember the poster's name though) for the past however many months, or is that treatment reserved for just me?
And finally
I'm too young to be so cynical that whenever someone tells me something, I assume they're lying through their teeth!
For the record, I slept with Phil twice. It was after the second time (about 4 days after the first time) that he went all cold, and call me naive or stupid but I think it's more likely that his ego was dented by me making a point of saying I didn't have feelings for him, don't want him at the birth and just want to be mates that made him react that way, rather than him purely being after sex.
I don't want to be with Phil, I'm 100% sure of that. He's too much work and wants everything on his terms - and there's no way I could live my life having to pander to his wishes all the time. In 5 weeks time I'll have one child to look after, I don't need two.
All I was doing was giving him the benefit of the doubt when it came to being a dad. For a week (a whole 7 days - woo! :rolleyes: ) he was actually being reliable and showing a sense of understanding the consequences to his actions. He was turning up when he said he would, keeping his promises, as well as making the effort to see me (rather than me chasing him) and seemed really into the idea of being a 'good father' to this baby as well. Maybe he was using the baby to get me into bed and if he was, then obviously that just makes him scum. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and was unfortunately proved wrong. Again.
I'm not going to apologise or make excuses for trusting people; I'll admit I can be naive but this baby is my priority which is why, although I was sucked in slightly by Phil, I did keep him fairly at arms length and made a point of telling him that friends is all we'd ever be.
Anyway I was just venting more than anything, it was good to read everyone's replies though and I really am sorry it caused another minor row!
Don't want to nitpick here, but aren't you doing exactly what you said I am; ignoring or critising what someone's saying because you don't like the sound of it?
If I went "whatever - just drop it" everytime you posted telling me I'm a stupid mare (or words to that effect), you'd say I was picking and choosing what I wanted to hear, and only listening to the 'positive' comments.
Practise what you precach, honey
Even if he is the father of your child.
Remember, there is a big difference between being a father and being a "Dad".
:yes: Probably the best bit of advice that anyone has given in this thread so far.
Whats the difference? Just out of interest? :-)
the difference with him that he admits he still likes her/has feelings for her, he hasnt actually gone running back to her and he isnt expecting a baby (needless to say!)
the reason i guess i get so worked up about you is your dillusional attitude towards Phil and the fact that you make promises to yourself, yet never actually keep them, it saddens me more than anything...
in each post you make, you SWEAR you wont be fooled into thinking he has changed again, you say ya gonna delete his number, you say you aint gonna contact him.. yet a few weeks later, you've either slept with him, text him or got threatened with a restraing order!
i mean take this post for example...you moved and you had the perfect opportunity to start afresh, but you told him where you lived....
you constantly make excuses for the guy and say he has changed, alasia, he wont change, i think deep down you know that, he has shown that by not looking after the other kids he has fathered (if u can call it that!)
you need to make a plan and stick to it hun, it's no good going round and round in circles..it may be hard, but you even said, that you were doing fine without him!
so next time he comes round, just dont let him in ya door, speak to him if needs must, but once he gets through that door, there is no doubt in my mind that his only agenda is to get sex....so if you dont let him in, you wont be giving into what he wants...
of course, thats just a bit of advice, if you want to sleep with him, let him in!
but if you really wanna go it alone, speak to him when you need to, if he starts getting nasty, hang up on him/shut the door in his face... you have nothing to lose by upsetting him! if you wanna keep in contact for the baby's sake, fine, but do it on your terms, not his!
i really do wish u all the best alasia, despite how some of my posts may sound .x
It only takes a quick fumble and an ejaculation to become a father. A "Dad" is someone who will be there for their child to teach them how to ride a bike and will pick then up when they fall off it.
In fact that's a pretty good metaphor for many "Dad" roles...
With this specific situation I get the feeling that this bloke is only interested in himself. That is not a good sign. When you are "Dad" you must put the needs of your children first, always, IMHO.
I don't mean to ignore it, it's just I'm too easily taken in; he knows that and will say things like "you think I won't be there for this baby because of what happened with my other sons" and because he's shown an effort or brought something like that up off his own back (and without me nagging him or starting the conversation), I'll believe him.
He'll also guilt me by saying stuff like how he has to come across as thick-skinned but things do get to him, he's not happy with his life; I forget that he's a 44 year old man and if he hasn't got up and made the changes he wants by now, then he never will.
He expects things to fall into his lap - take the other day, when he said all I do is slag him off and call him a prick (true, but then he acts like one!) and then when I told him I was thinking of moving away, he said that I could write to him if I needed anything for the baby. That really pissed me off and he couldn't understand why. I didn't see the point in explaining that first of all, he should want to BE THERE for the baby, not just offer to pay for it! Secondly it's bloody insulting and upsetting that he doesn't want to actually be around to watch the baby grow up - and thirdly, why should I have to pay the price of a stamp?! He should write to me if he wants to buy stuff for the baby - or even better, see it!
I can see what everyone's saying, and I truly have opened my eyes to him, mostly.
That's why I posted this thread; in annoyance at how easily I got drawn back in again when I thought I was doing so well!
Lesson learnt. Promise
What he meant is, I'd rather you wrote to me than for me to face up to my responsibilities and send you money autmoatically.
Sounds like a job for the CSA really.
For your child's sake, that sounds like a good thing.
Ditto. I can't really say much more that hasn't been said, there is some good advice here. This man seems like he's only after one thing, and as hard as it may be, you do need to limit your contact with him - for your own sake, as well as the babys.
And to all the people who are criticising Alasia for posting another thread - yes, it's a similar subject, and yes people have given plentiful advice before. But for gods sake, the woman just needed somewhere to vent, a rant, not for everyone to turn around and say "Heard it all before" - she apologised from the outset for making another thread, which is totally not needed - after all, isn't this what the boards are for? For us all to have a rant when we need it?
Situations people talk about on here are often alot harder to deal with online than in a message board. And as my nan used to say "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"
Nothing you've ever said about this Phill makes me think it would be in your interest to have even any civil communication with him. I think if you can cut all ties, do the child support through CSA, and emotionally detach yourself, you will have a better chance at successfully raising this child.
good luck
x
Agreed
Good post.
Oh yeah, totally - those were my exact thoughts when he said it! :rolleyes:
Katralla - thanks so much for your last post, it made a lot of sense.
I think I tempoprarily got lullled in because we'd spent a month not speaking, I was getting on with my life and feeling fine (and he seemed to be doing the same), then he got back in touch and I thought that because he got back in touch so late on in my pregnancy, the baby might be becoming more 'real' to him and it might have made him realise he wanted to be involved in the baby's life.
I honestly think a part of him does want to be a responsible father but he's just too emotionally immature to be able to go through with it. It seems like he tries, then realises it takes effort and for him to think about someone other than himself, so he gives up again and causes an argument to get out of the situation.
If he hasn't grown up by now I'll never be able to 'help' him, so I officially give up