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Should you...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Make a special effort to get to know a mate's girlfriend/boyfriend?
Got a mate and last year I was working in an event (during May) and I met my mate's girlfriend for the first time, though could only stay for ten minutes because I had a lot to do.
I went to see him yesterday and she Emails me asking if I have a problem with her, I told her I don't and are there reasons she should be asking that and she said yeah... Apparently when she met me she got bad vibes and doesn't feel she can trust me.
Now this is somebody who has met me for ten minutes and uses the excuse she was too shy to really make conversation and I should have made an effort... Ergo I have ulterior motives to cause "friction in their relationship". Apparently at the same time I have never made an effort to get to know her... But she lives MILES away and I hardly even see my mate that much either.
Apparently she thinks I'm the sort of person who "will go at lengths to get what they want"... This is coming from somebody who I have never even spoken to on msn.
She said how when she went to a party all of her friends made him feel all welcome and stuff, but I don't bother.
I really don't get this at all... Why message me in January about something which happened last May?
I always ask him how she is, reply to messages she sends but I don't really message her much because I don't know her. We haven't all even been in the same room together... She says he knows the situation and it's his choice whether he wants to hang out with me or not.
So...
- What have I done wrong?
- Should I have made a huge effort? Even though she says she is shy...
- Is this as confusing for everyone else as it is for me?
I don't wanna lose my mate tho... Like I said I literally haven't really met her apart from when i was working, so why should I make an effort? I'm a busy person... Really busy.
Am I completely in the wrong here? Or is she just being oversensitive?
Apparently she's sick of my bad attitude towards their relationship, even though I gave my mate advice before which helped to save it.
Got a mate and last year I was working in an event (during May) and I met my mate's girlfriend for the first time, though could only stay for ten minutes because I had a lot to do.
I went to see him yesterday and she Emails me asking if I have a problem with her, I told her I don't and are there reasons she should be asking that and she said yeah... Apparently when she met me she got bad vibes and doesn't feel she can trust me.
Now this is somebody who has met me for ten minutes and uses the excuse she was too shy to really make conversation and I should have made an effort... Ergo I have ulterior motives to cause "friction in their relationship". Apparently at the same time I have never made an effort to get to know her... But she lives MILES away and I hardly even see my mate that much either.
Apparently she thinks I'm the sort of person who "will go at lengths to get what they want"... This is coming from somebody who I have never even spoken to on msn.
She said how when she went to a party all of her friends made him feel all welcome and stuff, but I don't bother.
I really don't get this at all... Why message me in January about something which happened last May?
I always ask him how she is, reply to messages she sends but I don't really message her much because I don't know her. We haven't all even been in the same room together... She says he knows the situation and it's his choice whether he wants to hang out with me or not.
So...
- What have I done wrong?
- Should I have made a huge effort? Even though she says she is shy...
- Is this as confusing for everyone else as it is for me?
I don't wanna lose my mate tho... Like I said I literally haven't really met her apart from when i was working, so why should I make an effort? I'm a busy person... Really busy.
Am I completely in the wrong here? Or is she just being oversensitive?
Apparently she's sick of my bad attitude towards their relationship, even though I gave my mate advice before which helped to save it.
0
Comments
Confused?
:thumb:
Absolutely nothing.
[QUOTE='-[MoonRat]-]Should I have made a huge effort? Even though she says she is shy...
- Is this as confusing for everyone else as it is for me??[/QUOTE]
It sounds like you did your best in a rather tricky situation.
[QUOTE='-[MoonRat]-]I don't wanna lose my mate tho... Like I said I literally haven't really met her apart from when i was working, so why should I make an effort? I'm a busy person... Really busy.[/QUOTE]
It sounds like you need to talk to your mate about it, and ask him to reassure her that you don't have negative intentions. I wouldn't feel like you have to make a massive effort to befriend her, but obviously it would be nice to be on a level where she respects you and accepts that you want nothing more than a friendship with her man. But another reason I would consider speaking to your friend about it is because there may be a chance she's like it with other female friends of his, and he could risk losing others over her behaviour if it's not nipped in the bud.
Hope things work out
Tbh, she has no grounds on her accusations... Says I've never bothered with her... I really don't get this at all.
She even told him that I sent her a message saying I fancy him... Wtf???
I've never fancied him. He went to kiss me once and I refused... This was ages ago.
But why should I be paying her extra attention? I mean I never really thought about her before tbh, not because she isn't an important personbut because I have a lot of close friends, volunteering, uni work and a job. It's not like she's ever made an effort with me either.
She says that all his other friends make an effort but apparently I haven't "bothered"... But he has his circle of friends and I have mine... Now she's even changed her myspace picture to one of him and her :yeees: ergo because I don't bother I fancy him and want to split them up.
I think she needs help or something.
Don't care anymore.
I phoned him today saying I was worried because I didn't wanna cause trouble and didn't know what I'd done. Apparently she'd heard and said I sounded like a very cunning person. Literally the conversation went that I don't know what's going on and that I want to know how I have offended her(ifunny that she'd contact me the day I met up with him afer Christmas).
This is fucked up, I mean really. She starts on me and suddenly is the victim.Apparently I'm playing games and stuff... I mean what? She also called me a vulture and said I try to exploit situations and if i missed him i could go about it another way...
Again... wtf??
But I don't care... I havewhat is known as a life away from myspace.
Apparently I've proved myself to be a bad person for sticking up for myself (I haven't yet thrown an insult, jsut asked what's her problem and how she thinks she knows me from meeting me for ten minutes).
Also told me I've lied about my sexuality (where I sad I'm not really in to en) as she's had a gf before and nows that game.
basicaly told her I don't need paranoid girlfrends contacting me and to leave me alone and stop sending insulting texts.
My ex hated a few of my friends and they hated him. His friends didn't paticuarly make an effort with me, but they were nice in the rare occassion when we were around eachother.
Dont worry about it. Sounds like a weirdo
What's your mate said about this?
I'd just ignore her from now on and lap up the attention she's giving you! That'd piss her off
:yes:
Things like this really piss me off. When you've done absolutely nothing wrong and some asswipe has to give you some grief.
But I haven't done ANYTHING... Only defended myself. Why couldn't he phone me to talk? Why couldn't she ask for my msn or number to talk?
And what's all this about rivalry and me trying to cause friction? I never even thought about it before.
She's said I'm immature, condescending, manipulative and use my sexuality for attention (because I did tell her I'm hardly in to guys anyway, so what other reason would I have to be jealus?)...
He knows I'm a busy person and have a huge circle of friends, so why does he think I'm fighting for his attention and trying to rival his gf?
She was accusing me of acting one way and being another and not being prepared to talk about it. Uhm, is she psychic now?
Furthermore, why would she just send messages like this out of the blue anyway?
I fwd them to my best mate and he says they make no sense (he's an intelligent guy) on her part. If you message somebody saying "do you have a problem with me" then "last time I met you I got bad vibes and you weren't friendly"...
She misses the point I made about having been working a BUSY fair from 8am and being on a ten minute break. She misses the point she wasn't friendly to me. She misses the point that she has never made an attempt to be my friend either and that just because I havenn't invited her out, doesn't mean I want to split her relationship up.
She says I'm patronising, but probably has misunderstood coloquillalisms and is being patronising herself about my character.
But I've probably lost one of my best mates now... No idea what she has said to him, he was somewhat standoffish on the phone...
If I'd have fancied him I'd have kissed him that night... If anything HE fancied ME.
Basically told her to leave me alone and because of his text, have said that he shouldn't judge me and I'm sad he thinks I'd do that.
My flatmate has told me I shouldn't reply via anything electronically anymore.
I wonder if she's enjoying this.
For fuck's sake, why me? I am always nice to people... Always. So why would he think I'd try and rival his girlfriend and be horrible to her?
More so... Why did she tell him I fancy him?
I'd personally write out a letter of all the bare, blatant facts and send them a copy. I'd then say I'm havign a break while you both sort your heads out.
Then I'd go and have some fun etc and forget abuot them for a bit.
It's so annoying when you can't get your point accross, when someone won't listen when you are adament your points are valid. This frustrates me so much, that's why I'd write the letter, they'd have to take note then.
That's what I'd do anyway.
How old are these 2 and do you really care about your friend lots?
EXACTLY.
One of my best mates, I don't go phoning her gf and asking her to go out places just because I'm obliged to make her gf feel welcoming, but when we're together we get on really well. She rocks.
This isn't because I dislike her or want to cause friction, we're both just busy people. There's no "rivalry", we just have slighty different circles of friends and go different places.
This woman lives in Kent, not near me. The only chance I ever had to be in a room with her (when she was with him in a local pub) I was working, he always goes to see her.
I think she's been feeding him poison.
She's about 27/28?
But yeah, they're not listening to the bare facts which are:
- She accuses me of not making an effort when she hasn't either.
- This means I want to split them up.
- She thinks I am hiding something and kept on asking me to admit it.
- She says I give off bad vibes and her intuition is always right (from ten minutes of meeting me).
- She thinks I have a problem with her, though I don't know her.
- She thinks I will walk over people to get what I want, though she doesn't know me.
- She thinks I'm jealous of her.
- She has no evidence of anything I've done to back this up...
I hadn't seen him since before Christmas, we used to get on really well and planned photography/writing projects together. This happened the evening after I had met him and got breakfast.
Maybe its something similar here?
If so, he might not be as good a friend as youd think.
If not, it it sounds like maybe shes been cheated on in the past and is now all fucked up about it.
Either way, it sounds like you should just leave them both to it.
Youve got other friends, and if she wants to split him up from his friends, then he`ll get pissed off soon enough.
Id just say "fuck you both, im not interested and never was in this sort of jealous shit"
She's weird, talk to your mate about it, if she told him anything, or whatever. You must be crazy to give up a mate, just because he has a paranoid girlfriend.
Yeah, never saw it from that point... He could be enjoying it. Otherwise he'd be phoning me or something wanting to talk it out, not enjoying texts.
Real friends don't make assumptions like that anyway, I wouldnt in his position.
And I took the bait by trying to be nice and explain myself... She picked out sentences and tried to turn them against me. He's an intelligent guy and would realise that. He was telling me yesterday on the phone she's a lovely, calm and intelligent woman who's always happy and he wonders if I'm not telling him something.
I have told them both I don't want any involvement.
Nah, he's taking her side and she said "good luck salvaging your friendship".
Tbh I'm surprised at him, you'd think that he'd at least phone me and ask what is up, or hear my side of the story... But tbh nine times out of ten, if somebody is getting laid they'll ditch their mates in my experience.
Something's not right, but tbh I don't care. I have little time for people judging me on something they cannot back up. That's their problem, not mine.
9 out of 10 times spineless fucktards do that, no serious friends.
You can't win. She's a retard, an insecure manipulative ill-willed bitch and your mate is her fingerpuppet. Screw them, both. You can contact him again when they are seperated, it should be against your dignity to crawl back apologizing to her, even tho you are in the right.
fuck 'em.
How can she accuse you of not doing something when she's not doing it either? Or does she think that it only takes one person to make the effort?
Why would you be jealous of her?
Its one reason im not as comfortable with having male friends as I used to be.
But I've never been uncivil... I did invite them out after the fair but she had to go home. I can't be expected to run after her, you know? I mean that's my opinion. She kept on reminding me how her relationship is so good and even changed her myspace in to a picture of him and her.
The fact is, if she didn't live so far away, no doubt we'd have seen each other, but at the same time as I've said, she never made an effort and he even said she mentioned not long after meeting me I give out bad vibes and can't be trusted.
I just don't understand her logic because... Well I just assumed she aknowledged my existance and it wasn't an issue. I mean I said hello to her and stuff when I saw herand I did appologise saying if I'd done anything... But she kept on accusing me.
Wierd.
Ditto. Same goes for female friends having boyfriends.
Im less inclined to do that. cos i dont want them to worry im hitting on them.