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Anti-psychotics need not apply - reasonably long
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Well, i'm new to this so i may as well jump straight in the deep end and bring you straight down into the centre of my brain, it aint too pretty in there.
I think something may actually be amiss inside my subconscious and i'm not sure how safe it is for other people.
On the outside i'd say i'm quite a nice guy, i'm not a player and only a minimal bastard quotient <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"> but i very much fear i might be a maniac of some sort or other.
you see, the main basic fact of it is that i see things, not lucid, trippy trings but straight forward, cold and very very violent things. These things don't look real, i don't think they're actually there in front of me but it's like i'm projecting my mental images on to my retina, like i'm looking through somebody elses eyes.
Anyway, these things that i see come very frequently and are always of a destructive nature, they only last a split second but i can remember every one of them. The downside is that they're indescriminately destructive, i couldn't really write them down, it'd just sound way to freaky but the worst one's are those inflicted on people and the fires.
with respect to fire iit only happens when i'm inside, but i can walk along a corridor and suddenly the windows are scorched black
and the paint is bubbling off the walls as slow, lazy waves of flame cascade over them, everything is burning even other people who happen to be in my field of vision, writhing on the floor in the agonising death throes of a sudden-heat exposure. Then as quickly as it came, it goes again.
That isn't quite as bad as the violence, because it seems to just be circumstantial damage, i.e. it's not me, but if i ever havn't had enough sleep (i have insomnia) or my mind is wandering i can, in my minds eye, do things to people that would not be allowed on any movie screen, i mean these things are horrible and very very graphic. BUt strangely enough i fmy concentration is focused on that person (takling or something) then nothing happens, but why am i seeing these things at all?
t is impossible for any one of you to concieve what i see practically every day, and i don't wish you could. I'm never a really violent person in real life, i've always been repressive in that way but i don't know what to do. I have taken up martial arts in the hope of relieving any violent tendencies i may have but it doesn't seem to have worked as yet.
The worst thing about this is that i'm scared that i might actually snap one day, and the barrier between what i think and what i do will crumble and fall.
I think something may actually be amiss inside my subconscious and i'm not sure how safe it is for other people.
On the outside i'd say i'm quite a nice guy, i'm not a player and only a minimal bastard quotient <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"> but i very much fear i might be a maniac of some sort or other.
you see, the main basic fact of it is that i see things, not lucid, trippy trings but straight forward, cold and very very violent things. These things don't look real, i don't think they're actually there in front of me but it's like i'm projecting my mental images on to my retina, like i'm looking through somebody elses eyes.
Anyway, these things that i see come very frequently and are always of a destructive nature, they only last a split second but i can remember every one of them. The downside is that they're indescriminately destructive, i couldn't really write them down, it'd just sound way to freaky but the worst one's are those inflicted on people and the fires.
with respect to fire iit only happens when i'm inside, but i can walk along a corridor and suddenly the windows are scorched black
and the paint is bubbling off the walls as slow, lazy waves of flame cascade over them, everything is burning even other people who happen to be in my field of vision, writhing on the floor in the agonising death throes of a sudden-heat exposure. Then as quickly as it came, it goes again.
That isn't quite as bad as the violence, because it seems to just be circumstantial damage, i.e. it's not me, but if i ever havn't had enough sleep (i have insomnia) or my mind is wandering i can, in my minds eye, do things to people that would not be allowed on any movie screen, i mean these things are horrible and very very graphic. BUt strangely enough i fmy concentration is focused on that person (takling or something) then nothing happens, but why am i seeing these things at all?
t is impossible for any one of you to concieve what i see practically every day, and i don't wish you could. I'm never a really violent person in real life, i've always been repressive in that way but i don't know what to do. I have taken up martial arts in the hope of relieving any violent tendencies i may have but it doesn't seem to have worked as yet.
The worst thing about this is that i'm scared that i might actually snap one day, and the barrier between what i think and what i do will crumble and fall.
0
Comments
Im not sure if what U get is what u would call a flashback, as I dont no If the things u see have actually gone on. From what I gather they havent. But whatever it is u get, its some sort of psychotic episode and I really think u should go see someone about this. I was on medication for a while (anti psychotics) that really helped and with help from professionals along with the meds things started to get much better.
Maybe u should go to your GP and he or she will probably refer u to a psychologist. Dont be freaked out by this, it dont mean u r some sort of nutter, but I do think its a good idea to get help.
I hope this has been helpfull and you get things sorted soon...once again welcome to thesite!
But no none of the things have happened to me before, well not to my knowledge anyway, but i'm sure i'd remember something like that, i've had many a scrape with death in my life, it's never been something i get too vexed about.
in a way, i wish i could attribute it to childhood scarring, once you know the cause you can get the cure, right?
i found this which is about hallucinations: http://health.yahoo.com/health/Diseases_and_Conditions/Disease_Feed_Data/Hal lucinations/index.html
which is quite informative. it gives a possible cause of the symptoms too.
this one about psychosis.
http://health.yahoo.com/health/Diseases_and_Conditions/Disease_Feed_Data/Psychosi s/index.html
and this about schizophrenia as it mentioned hallucinations in there. http://health.yahoo.com/health/Diseases_and_Conditions/Disease_Feed_Data/Schizophrenia/
this site has a general directory of other sites related to mental health: http://uk.dir.yahoo.com/Health/Mental_Health/
oh and try the forums at forums.about.com which have a section on mental health.
but i agree with lolly that you should go and see a GP and then be referred to a psychologist etc etc. maybe print out what youve written on here so you can express yourself clearly and not miss anythign out? i find that writing a list of symptoms or things i need to ask the doc when i go helps, im always forgetting stuff and not realising till i get back outside.
i hope theres a simple explanation that can be cured qickly so you dont get these hallucinations anymore.
im thinking of you <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
[This message has been edited by Girl-From-Mars (edited 21-12-2000).]
I no how u feel, its not exactly something that other people r gonna take lightly. I tend to keep things to myself for this reason. My ex boyfriend found it really hard to understand, I had to explain myself after totally freaking out on him one nite in bed (not funny for him at all <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif">), and I think he thought I was some kind of nutter. But that dont bother me, coz he is a useless peice of scum anyway (sorry, tend to get a bit over heated on the ex boyfriend thing <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">).
I suppose it does make u feel a bit better being able to accociate it with something in the past, its kind of the answer to why u r like it. But for every problem there is a reason for having it (I think?!) and Im sure once u go to the docs and get some help things will start to feel a lot better.
Good luck and keep us posted on what goes on.
It's quite hard coming to terms with something like that because it means that i AM actually a few chapters short of a book, but as the poet says 'what cannot be cured, must be endured'
I really appreciate your comments Lolly, you have no idea how much it means to have someone who can really understand what appears to be happening to me, thanks <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"> and feel free to slag off your b/f to me any time, he obviously didn't know a good thing when it was staring him in the face
Psychotic episodes can be treated with medication and be bought under control, I can personally testify that myself. Every now and then I have my medication reviewed and then balanced (increased or decreased or changed as required) I haven't threatened anyone, bucked up to a scrap nor (because of psychosis) self harmed. Below is a link to a list of what medications are available to treat pyschosis.
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/subindex.asp?id=42
Please what ever you do don't base anything you read on the net as a firm diagnosis, with matters like this the only diagnosis that can be made will be by a Dr who will probably refer you to a psychiatrist for proper diagnosis, as this field is far to specialised for a GP. psychosis can be caused for a number of reasons Depression, post traumatic stress dissorder or yes as you have picked up Schizophrenia. With any form of illness phsyical as well as mental home diagnosis can be very dangerous.
If this is worrying you and you find it's making you depressed, try the depression alliance http://www.depressionalliance.org
if you have any further q's ask and I'll try my best to answer.
Good Luck Monkey Boy
Luka
The river is wide and oh so deep. I've been walking around in tears, No answers arethere to get. Cause between this world and eternity there is a face I hope to see
so i hope all u lasses and fellas bought me a few rolls of padded wallpaper because i'll probably be needing it for when they push me into a small room with a glass 'viewing gallery' above me.
Wish me luck, i'm cacking my pants
We already do and we will value your posts at this site. Like I said, you're a funny man - I guess this post isn't hte best place to put it, but it remains true. Been looking at the site that is listed as yours in your profile - cracked up at the Budweiser ad with teh 9 iron.
Newa, best of luck with your mind and report back soon.
DM
I didn't lose my mind, it was mine to give away.
<IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"> <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"> <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif">
Hey monkey_boy, Im really glad that u r goin to the docs and I wish u the best of luck. Dont b a wally about getting locked up...it wont happen...and if it does it aint that bad beleive me :P!
Anyway, be honest with the doc and dont hold back from telling everything as they cant help u unless they no it all. Good luck again, and just to let u no I dont think U r a nutter/psycho or whatever U might think u r ...I think u r a sound bloke and I like ya loads <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"> (cherish that as it takes a lot for me to say I like men lol).
[This message has been edited by lolly (edited 24-12-2000).]
[This message has been edited by lolly (edited 24-12-2000).]
it means a lot to actually know people who listen rather than everyone else who just gawp and then reply with the witty reposte '......what?'
hope u all get what u want for xmas, if i'd wished for a group of understanding folks who, just for once, had an IQ higher than a boiled carrot, santa would be way ahead of me
corny i know, but sod it, i'm a sentimentalist <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"> happy xmas u all
If theSite had asked for a new poster who ppl actually took to - well, I think it (they/we) got what we wanted.
NEwa, I'll echo what Monkey Man said - you guys are great, merry xmas to you all.
I didn't lose my mind, it was mine to give away.
Happy xmas everyone (I'm sure I'll be putting this in other paces too <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"> )
& it's good to have you aboard Monkey_boy, well done GFM for bringing him here.
j9
monkey boy, you're the only one of alllll my friends and acquaintances id consider letting have the address for the site, so feel honoured! <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/tongue.gif">
merry christmas everyone <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"> (im sure theres a special place in anything goes for this!)
It's better to regret things you've done than things you haven't.
I'm intimidated by j9's number of posts (curse u, woman!) <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
(yeah, i know that i'm wrong j9).
I didn't lose my mind, it was mine to give away.
Well, I've never been described as bad before <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"> , and I've never (to my knowledge) been cursed before either <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">
You shouldn't feel intimidated MB, I'm just someone who talks alot lol.
j9
{{{{{{{J9}}}}}}}}} you're not bad, you are without a shadow of a doubt the most repected person on the boards, perhaps with the exception of the moderators. Your advice is probably the most listened to and respected, it is a pleasure for me, and I'm sure the rest of the group to call you my friend.
As for bieng cursed, you name me a woman that's not been cursed monthly <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"> lol..
<IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/rolleyes.gif"> OH HOW YOU DO !!, but we loves you for it.
{{{{{{{{{{{J9}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Take care babe, we loves ya
Luk
The river is wide and oh so deep. I've been walking around in tears, No answers arethere to get. Cause between this world and eternity there is a face I hope to see
Maybe it's time for a name change <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
j9
ps that reminds me, time to resurect a thread <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
[This message has been edited by j9j9 (edited 26-12-2000).]
I didn't lose my mind, it was mine to give away.
I can feel myself losing grip right now, i've never had to deal with anything this big before, i mean i just can't take it in
me
I
moi
je
i'm psychotic, a few sandwiches short of a six pack, mentally deficient, demented, something up there isn't right and i just can't deal with it.
i just feel so diseased it sickens me, i just can't stand to look in the mirror knowing that a freak of nature is looking back at me. i can feel my control slipping between my fingers, i've got the shakes and everything i just don't feel fit to live.
like i'm plagued somehow and that being here will infect other people with my affliction, i just can't express it. I am mentally defective it just won't sink in properly but i do know one thing, i'm having a complete break down.
i don't know what i'm gonna do, i just want to scream but i can't like i'm being suffocated by my own personaliiity
Monkey_boy, listen Im really sorry to hear that they think its schitzophrenia (sp?) and I wouldnt wish it on anyone but u have to get a grip and put it in perspective. I know u must be scared and I bet just the fact that u have to go see someone is freaking u out but u have to trust me when I say that its not as bad as u think. Im not being unsympathetic by saying u have to get it in perspedtive, coz I no how it feels to be told u r not quite right upstairs, if u no wat I mean. I just wanna try and get u to calm down and deal with it wothout freaking out and completly loosing control.
My auntie was diagnosed schitzophrenic and I have two other friends in the same position. All of them have had some kind of treatment but with the help of others they live a normal life like everyone else. I met one of my friends in hospital, I dont no if u knew this but I was in a psychiatric unit myself not so long ago. Ive been diagnosed with quite a few things but nothing that I havent been able to get some help with. Ive come close to death many a time due to the things ive done to myself in the past and I had a breakdown at the age of aboiut 16. If u met me now u wouldnt beleive what I went through and the state I was in before. Im not proud of wats happened to me in the past but Im telling u this coz I want u to no that u can get through it, it dont mean your life is over. U gotta help yourself to get through it though, and the only way to do that is by accepting u have an illness and finding a way of living life normally and coping with it. Thousands of people r in the same boat as u, u r not alone, and u can do this...trust me!
I hope u havent taken all this the wrong way, I just want u to understand that your life aint over just coz u have been diagnosed with this. This is simply a hurdle that u have gotta find a way to get over... u can either choose to get through it or give up, and u dont hit me as the sort of person who will give up easilly. So chin up mate, we r all behind u and u aint a freak just because of this. If u r, then so am I!!
I can appreciate that u know what it's like from what u say but i can think about nothing else, and i'm slipping, since i came back i've been fits of emotion be it crying or laughter, sometimes i get so angry it's almost blinding and it's all nonsdensical and rattling around inside my head but i don't know what to do with it.
I don't want to be put away somewhere, i don't want to go into a ward or be diagnosed or anything like that, i just don't want what's happening to me, cos i'm losing it and i don't know what to do. it's like i won't be able to get away from it, this is something i'm going to have to carry around with me for the rest of my life and just want to put it down somewhere it's driving me insane.
i don't want to be a psycho, i just qwant to be me
I understand that u r angry and upset and that u dont want this to be happening, but u cant change it. U r not a psycho...stop telling yourself that. It aint gonna make u feel any better!!!
I didn't lose my mind, it was mine to give away.
Well dont be arsed then harry...I think this was uncalled for...its a pretty serious topic and if u cant be arsed dont bother telling us about it. Sorry to get heated harry,I no that u r upset and all, but theres really no need to go round winding everyone else up!
Thanks lolly, and u too turtle, i know that i shouldn't be saying these thigns to mysefl but i can't help it, i feel like i'm plagued, a disease that no longer has the right to existence, and i keep on saying 'no it's not like that, u still have friends and ur still the same as u always were' only i've changed, i can't explain it, but i'm someone different now that i know.
Don't worry tho, i won't ccomit suiciide because i feel like there's too much for me to do, but i jast can't help but feel that it would be better if i just didn't exist
I don't know how you feel about it, but maybe u need to go see a physhrink about this, and just get urself sorted. You can only help urself so much when ur this far gone (excuse the seeming coldness of it, i really feel sorry for you, but it's hard for me to give good advice if it's subjective).
Hope you can sort urself out Monkey boy...we're here to help, but it'll take more than just words from caring ppl to sort you out.
{{MB}}
I didn't lose my mind, it was mine to give away.
But thanks everyone for your support during this, it's probably the hardest thing that i've had to do in my life