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How do you make someone realise its over?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Im in a bit of a pickle 
Im trying to remain friends with my ex, but he wont leave it like that. Keeps texting, calling, and if i dont reply he'll carry on texting.
Ive tried ignoring it til i want to reply but it doesnt work because i get tormented.
He asked to come and see me a couple of weeks ago, i stressed i didnt think it was a good idea but i said i am fine with it as long as he realises that we're never getting back together, so he told me he wouldnt beg but of course he did. Over and over again. He has since asked to visit me again and ive said no.
Ive never given anything but straight answers, ive always said that i want to be friends never and anything more but it doesnt seem to register in his head.
All he keeps saying is that he still loves me. Ive told him that i dont love him, that im not attracted to him any more and that i have no regrets about splitting up. Why does it come straight out of the other ear? Its getting really pathetic, the constant whinging and begging for me back. It may sound really insensitive but its taking its toll on me, my stress levels are huge enough as it is with uni worries and i just done need all this.
I really do want to stay friends because he was a big part of my life for nearly 3 years, but i cant do it if this carries on. Im finding it a struggle.
Should i cut off all contact? What else is there i can do to make him realise that we are *never* getting back together? He knows where i live so i cant stop him from turning up at my house or anything, i can stop responding to my phone but thats all i can do.
On the other hand, shall i give him an ultimatum, to stop all this or im not talking to him ever again?
Or if i keep repeating myself for long enough will the penny finally drop?
Im trying to remain friends with my ex, but he wont leave it like that. Keeps texting, calling, and if i dont reply he'll carry on texting.
Ive tried ignoring it til i want to reply but it doesnt work because i get tormented.
He asked to come and see me a couple of weeks ago, i stressed i didnt think it was a good idea but i said i am fine with it as long as he realises that we're never getting back together, so he told me he wouldnt beg but of course he did. Over and over again. He has since asked to visit me again and ive said no.
Ive never given anything but straight answers, ive always said that i want to be friends never and anything more but it doesnt seem to register in his head.
All he keeps saying is that he still loves me. Ive told him that i dont love him, that im not attracted to him any more and that i have no regrets about splitting up. Why does it come straight out of the other ear? Its getting really pathetic, the constant whinging and begging for me back. It may sound really insensitive but its taking its toll on me, my stress levels are huge enough as it is with uni worries and i just done need all this.
I really do want to stay friends because he was a big part of my life for nearly 3 years, but i cant do it if this carries on. Im finding it a struggle.
Should i cut off all contact? What else is there i can do to make him realise that we are *never* getting back together? He knows where i live so i cant stop him from turning up at my house or anything, i can stop responding to my phone but thats all i can do.
On the other hand, shall i give him an ultimatum, to stop all this or im not talking to him ever again?
Or if i keep repeating myself for long enough will the penny finally drop?
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Comments
I think you'd be doing him a favor by cutting off contact. Maybe, in time, he'll be able to stop feel for you but while he does, this isn't really a friendship imo.
I don't think an ultimatum will work in this case. He's not going to stop feeling for you just because you threaten the friendship is over otherwise.
Hi - it sounds like your ex is in a really bad place right now and he can't see a way forward in his life. It might be that the only thing that will lead to the penny finally completely dropping for him is when you meet someone else.
Until then, to be completely honest, it sounds as if friendship is going to be really tough if not impossible - but have a look at this if you haven't already.
Maybe in six months time he will be able to see things through clearer lenses and appreciate the kind of friendship you want, rather than this constant battle to get back with you. Perhaps you could put this to him? Tell him you need to have a complete break from each other for a set amount of time (at least six months) and both agree that you won't have any contact until then. You should make it clear that if the deal is broken then friendship won't be possible, and that if in six months, he still can't get past the fact that you've broken up - then again, you can't be expected to be made to feel guilty and dragged down by this. If you're feeling bad, then the chances are, he won't be benefiting from a friendship either. You could maybe suggest that he goes for some counselling to help him move on if this happens.
I know this is all a struggle for you, but I think you've been really thoughtful and sensitive so far and you will both come out the otherside - and hopefully with some more promising relationships to look forward to in the future
I really do feel quite offended and hurt that he is taking absolutely no notice of what im saying, and about what i want. He would rather me pretend that i want him, get back together and be unhappy: all for his sake of course.
Im no psychologist but in the past, he stamps his feet and whines till he gets his own way. I think its another episode of that. Maybe in a few months time he will realise that and grow up a little.
People keep telling me that its not my problem, and that theres no need for me to be getting upset about anything and to just ignore him, but its not as easy as that. He's not the only one hurting (if he is hurting), i was pushed away gradually over the course of a few months towards the end, at least he's got a straight answer!
Just finding it really hard to try to get my point across at the same time as sorting my own head out.
If i decide to cut off all contact, i dont know if he is going to shit stir. Im already having loads of prank phone calls (where the person at the other end says nothing....), people hacking into my email accounts and similar things. He knows where i live and to be honest i dont trust him. I dont know what he might do in revenge for not getting his own way?
If we are eventually able to stay friends then theres something else that has been bothering me. If he asks me what i have been doing and i reply with "ive been busy" he cant just leave it as that, he just keeps asking exactly what ive been doing, and who it was with. I went out to a club at the weekend and he wanted to know if i got male attention, pulled etc, then proceeded to cry when i wouldnt give an answer. I dont feel that it is appropriate for me to give him answers every time he clicks his fingers.
Its a shame. Because other than all this i think we would make good friends.
Sorry if its a bore to read, it just feels kinda nice to let it all out.
seriously, why is everyone on about his sake? Dont start taking sides when you have no idea of the situation and what went on before we split up. Splitting up was the least he deserves.
Im trying to do whats right here. I dont want to lose a friendship. Thats not being cruel especially considering he him self said that he wants to stay in contact.
But thanks for the opinion none the less, i need as many perspectives as possible :thumb:
I highly doubt a friendship would work however and as you say 'Splitting up was the least he deserves' - well why do you want to be friends with him then?
I honestly dont know....i feel like we were completely incompatible as a couple but at times we had so much fun and i think we would get on well as friends.
I dont trust him and he is getting on my nerves and being disrespectful....maybe i shouldnt stay friends with him after all.
Ohh....i dont know. My head is so messed up!
I wouldnt say im over the relationship. Im still deeply affected by it
But i have definatly fallen out of love.
Gonna think for a few days before i do anything drastic
eta: cheers :thumb: your a male and a male perspective is good.
Cutting ties for a while is not all that drastic and its a lot better than dragging things out for even longer and creating an even longer, more painful breakup...
I guess we just need to leave it longer
jeez.
stopping looking at it form you own point of view an dthink of some1 other then yourself and you may just see why he does it.
I doubt getting a new bf and throwing that in his face will be good for him , but hey he may just get the message and leave you alone. Its not like you were anything specila to him is it? Oh right you was.
Have some consideration for his feelings.
Excuse me?!
He said HE DOESNT WANT TO NOT CONTACT EACHOTHER!!
What am i supposed to do then, pretend that i want him?
Its hardly my fault if i have told him 100 times that its over and he doesnt believe me.
And FYI he split up with me anyway.
I'd have to agree with the whole cut all ties thing. I understand what you're going through to a certain extent because kind of dealing with a similar situation myself ... you don't want to lose contact, you haven't stopped caring, trying your best to be friends but every conversation is either too difficult or too confusing and it stresses you out and plays on your mind.
Ignore Walkintwat he's being a dick ... you haven't done anything wrong. In fact i think you're going out of your way to try and do the right thing by your ex. I think either you can try and keep the friendship going as is and hope that eventually he'll come to terms with it or you can cut all ties for a while. Either way you're going to risk losing the friendship but by trying to stay friends its probably going to go sour and you'll just end up resenting him.
Good luck with whatever you decide, hope it goes well.
:thumb:
Thank you Deardre
I feel bad enough as it is without people trying to make me feel worse.
People on here dont know the entire situation and stuff, which im also not going to go into as i dont feel its appropriate so i suppose i can expect people to get the wrong impression.
And no I think you made it more than clear enough you were trying to do what was best for yourself and him. And even if you hadn't this is still supposed to be an advice forum and you were asking for help. Some users on this website make me want NTL to cut off my internet connection :yes:
Sometimes you just have to break free in order to get over things properly. It may not feel like it, but you could be doing him the world of good by forcing him to move on with life...
In case you thought I was trying to make you feel worse, I think you should cut all ties for BOTH your sakes, him so he can get a grip and get over it, and you because it sounds like he's driving you round the bend!
I think you're doing the wrong thing for the right reasons, if you see what I mean.
oh so insulting someone and calling them a dick is great insight is it. Taking off their name to make it insulting and telling them to ignore what they put is great insight??
I thought the mods didn't want insults on the boards and such? Obviously I was wrong.
Jon_Uk - whatever, I have as much right to post and put an opinion as you and resorting to insults is just lame.
and miss I-cant'-advice-that-isnt-all-complimentary-of-me-and-I-want everything-my-own-way
you CAPS COMMENT bared no relevance to my post. Read what I put. Did I say he didnt wnat to talk to you? Jeez, read the fucking thing then comment.
The point is you wer ein a relationship, you want to be friends and he wanst to get back together, theres hurt on his side and it aint gonna be easy u wanting to be friends while he still wnats you. Why dont you talk to him properly isntead of threatening to cut him off and bitching on here about it. You cant expect to be all super friends while he feels this way. Think about him as well as yourself.
FYI
And actually, your comments obviously really upset Blah and IMO were unnecessarily judgemental - if not insulting in tone- so I think you need to be careful about who you are accusing here.
None of us have denied that there is going to be hurt on the guys side, and Blah is obviously suffering atm as a result of this - as she has said, they had some really fun times together which she thinks could potentially mean they could have a great friendship. However, sometimes the hurt is just too much for either party to do this and that's what other people have been trying to get across - it might be better for both their sakes to cut their ties - even just for a short period.
I agree with you that talking properly may be a fair and decent thing to do too - but we have to let Blah decide that for herself.
Which implies that i have talked to him. I have talked to him alot about it, we have discussed where things went wrong, he has asked questions and i have answered them.
The only reason i have come here for advice is not to bitch about him, but because he hasnt took the blindest bit of notice of what i have said to him.
So can people please stop getting on their high horse.
Nah my comment wasnt aimed at you at all, ive found what everyone has said a great help including what you said, just walkindude seems to have a chip on his shoulder, has judged me, and has the ability to make stuff up that i havent even said. *sigh*
i can take criticism, but only when its based on truth. It appears that a few people on here seem to be out to start arguments or twist things, when the aim of this website is to help people. Seen it so many times in so many different threads.
It'll end up so that people are not able to post their problems or ask for advice any more
Probably get mouthed back at for this aswell