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Confused about something that happend when i was 14
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ok, so i haven't posted this before, but it still bothers me sometimes...
Well a few days after my 14th birthday, i was over at some friends of my parents house. Me, my brother and their eldest son let's call him 'A' who's my age were laid on our fronts a bed watching a film. Me near the wall, A in the middle and my brother on the end Anyways....A starts feeling me up...first its arm around, then stroking my back.....then hand all over my back, up round my neck and everything. This was all happening discreetly under the covers so my brother didn't see...for some reason i'd just frozen and i couldn't even find my voice to speak. And i didn't want to kick up a fuss because my brother was there and would tell everyone.....so, after a while we all got called downstairs to eat. Came back up and we all sat up with our backs to the headboard. I thought he'd stop but he didn't, he kept stroking my thighs and sliding his hand between them, again under the covers and i just froze. I couldn't find my voice. So he must have thought i was ok with it....and then he unzipped my jeans and stuck his hand down the front.....i jumped up then and leaned forward so he couldnt touch me and said my back was aching.
The thing is....because i didn't outwardly object, does it count as harrassment? I didn't actually give consent, but i blame myself for not stopping him. I couldn't actually 'say' anything because my brother was there, and i froze so i couldn't physically stop him. Was it my fault?
Well a few days after my 14th birthday, i was over at some friends of my parents house. Me, my brother and their eldest son let's call him 'A' who's my age were laid on our fronts a bed watching a film. Me near the wall, A in the middle and my brother on the end Anyways....A starts feeling me up...first its arm around, then stroking my back.....then hand all over my back, up round my neck and everything. This was all happening discreetly under the covers so my brother didn't see...for some reason i'd just frozen and i couldn't even find my voice to speak. And i didn't want to kick up a fuss because my brother was there and would tell everyone.....so, after a while we all got called downstairs to eat. Came back up and we all sat up with our backs to the headboard. I thought he'd stop but he didn't, he kept stroking my thighs and sliding his hand between them, again under the covers and i just froze. I couldn't find my voice. So he must have thought i was ok with it....and then he unzipped my jeans and stuck his hand down the front.....i jumped up then and leaned forward so he couldnt touch me and said my back was aching.
The thing is....because i didn't outwardly object, does it count as harrassment? I didn't actually give consent, but i blame myself for not stopping him. I couldn't actually 'say' anything because my brother was there, and i froze so i couldn't physically stop him. Was it my fault?
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Im not sure if its harassment, but im sure someone on these boards will know.
i understand why you couldnt say anything, bcos of your brothers presence. dont feel bad, you did as much as you could do by leaning forward, so stopping his actions (which is what would've happened if you'de screamed at hime or summat!)
*hugs*, cos that must have been horrible!!
Do you still see this guy around??
Thinking back a few years, you would probably get points for touching a girls vagina, slipping your hand up her skirt, touching her breasts that sort of thing, the guys would brag that they did this and did that, must of it made up, but it's peer pressure and what you get from the media.
Remember guys and girls communicate in different ways and a subtle hint isn't always understood by a guy, not saying it's right, just saying it's how it is. Although you and other girls in the same situation don't really want to make a fuss about these things at the time, it is important to know how to say "NO".
And as above, kick anyone who tries it again in the nuts if they don't stop when you tell them.
Agree Pinkslippers, It's important that girls are taught assertiveness, either by their parents or in the school curriculem.
I think a lot of girls have had experiences like that or much worse, and it's something that adults don't seem to want to address, or are deluding themselves that it won't happen to their daughters.
He didn't ask, she didn't say no, he assumed she liked it.
Teh_Gerbil, think back to when you were 14, maybe being ribbed by your mates, who all talked about how far they got with girls, I'm sure a lot of other guys have been in a similar situation or would have got themselves into a similar situation, the important thing is that when Ballerina, made it clear she didn't want him to touch her, he backed off.
To a 14 year old guy a girl is a weird and fasinating creature, and I'm sure to a 14 year old girl a guy as a weird and fasinating creature, unfortunatly neither can really communicate with each other, a state that continues into adult life, well most of the time anyway.
I'm just guessing that this guy was kind of shy and imature, of course it doesn't mean what he did was right lets hope by now he realises he was a jerk at the time though.
But if you froze, well it'd be obvious that you were uncomfortable. And if he were touching you, I'd think it would be all the more clear.
This just makes him out to be a borderline rape-o
First of all ((hugs)) for you.
Secondly, when I was your age something very similar happened to me with a friend of our family. Very similar scenario, we were in my room and he kept trying to feel me up, and force himself on me by holding me down on the bed. I had to push him off me and make up some excuse about having a sore back too.
For a few months after he kept ringing the house and asking for me but I was too scared to talk to him and finally admitted to my mum what he'd done.
If it made you uncomfortable and you froze up then yes, I'd say it's harrasment - and as for the thing he did with the underwear....what a creep...
Hope you're ok
Love cavegirl
xx
I can't help but blame myself for not stopping him sooner, but it was weird, my whole body just went stiff and i couldn't speak. If my brother hadn't been there it would have been much easier for me to stop him.
He might be visiting over this xmas, which means over my 16th bday.....if he tries anything again or gives me a cheeky present i'll let him know....last time i saw him i was with my now ex so he kept a good distance lol
prob the smartest move to make
considering the cirucumstances, it's quite obvious that he is "dumb"
Every 14 year old boy is a horny little bastard.
It's not harrassment either, she let it go on, he wasn't doing anything out of order...just trying his luck which is fair enough.
She said she froze, you'd have to be a complete imbecile not to notice if you were touching someone and they froze...
Yep, it might be true that every 14 year old boy is a horny bastard but it does NOT give them the right to intimately touch whoever they like whenever they like.
you're welcome honey - that's the kind of comment you don't need right now...hope you're ok ((hugs))
Love cavegirl
xx
Look, shit like that happens all the time, it's how inexperienced boys make the first move. Most boys would take freezing without apparent objection as a good sign. If you don't like it, you show objection. End of.
Most boys would take freezing without objection as a good sign???? Wtf??? That is the biggest load of bollocks I've heard in a long time.
So if someone freezes on you, you take that as a sign they're liking what you're doing?
I would've thought freezing was objection enough. End of.
If a girl freezes but shows no objection, then it wouldn't be difficult to reach to conclusion she's receptive but nervous. That's called logic.
Logic???
I don't think so. The point I'm making is that freezing is a non-verbal gesture which demonstrates that someone is unhappy/upset with another persons actions. How on earth can you be receptive if your body is frozen?
I've already told you. Nerves. I've seen it plenty of times - guy starts touching girl - girl tenses up but doesn't object - guy continues and she usually gets into the swing of things.
Hardly an unknown concept.