Confused about something that happend when i was 14

Former Member

Ok, so i haven't posted this before, but it still bothers me sometimes...

Well a few days after my 14th birthday, i was over at some friends of my parents house. Me, my brother and their eldest son let's call him 'A' who's my age were laid on our fronts a bed watching a film. Me near the wall, A in the middle and my brother on the end Anyways....A starts feeling me up...first its arm around, then stroking my back.....then hand all over my back, up round my neck and everything. This was all happening discreetly under the covers so my brother didn't see...for some reason i'd just frozen and i couldn't even find my voice to speak. And i didn't want to kick up a fuss because my brother was there and would tell everyone.....so, after a while we all got called downstairs to eat. Came back up and we all sat up with our backs to the headboard. I thought he'd stop but he didn't, he kept stroking my thighs and sliding his hand between them, again under the covers and i just froze. I couldn't find my voice. So he must have thought i was ok with it....and then he unzipped my jeans and stuck his hand down the front.....i jumped up then and leaned forward so he couldnt touch me and said my back was aching.

The thing is....because i didn't outwardly object, does it count as harrassment? I didn't actually give consent, but i blame myself for not stopping him. I couldn't actually 'say' anything because my brother was there, and i froze so i couldn't physically stop him. Was it my fault?

Former Member

no it wasnt your fault! admittedly u didnt stop it immedietely, but u did before he took it too far! sounds like a slime ball!

Former Member

its not your fault what happened to you, as this guy had wandering hands. how old was he, bcos at 14 i didnt think you thought of doing stuff like that, or am i just wierd???
Im not sure if its harassment, but im sure someone on these boards will know.
i understand why you couldnt say anything, bcos of your brothers presence. dont feel bad, you did as much as you could do by leaning forward, so stopping his actions (which is what would've happened if you'de screamed at hime or summat!)
*hugs*, cos that must have been horrible!!
Do you still see this guy around??

Former Member

you were frightened, its only natural u didnt know what to do and froze!

Former Member

nope, i'd never done more than hold hands with a guy before then....i'd barely turned 14! Luckily, he doesn't actually live with his dad (friends who we were visiting) him and his brother were visiting over xmas....i've seen him a few times since but not for over a year now.

Former Member

btw he was 14 at the time aswell...he also bought me a pink lacey see through g-string for my birthday and kept asking me to model it for him, i refused but he kept asking me....twat

Former Member

In answer to your question, of course it wasn't your fault, as to if the guy was a slimeball, I'll reserve judgement, there is a lot of pressure on guys.

Thinking back a few years, you would probably get points for touching a girls vagina, slipping your hand up her skirt, touching her breasts that sort of thing, the guys would brag that they did this and did that, must of it made up, but it's peer pressure and what you get from the media.

Remember guys and girls communicate in different ways and a subtle hint isn't always understood by a guy, not saying it's right, just saying it's how it is. Although you and other girls in the same situation don't really want to make a fuss about these things at the time, it is important to know how to say "NO".

Former Member

Yeah thats how I see it. Thing is he was wrong to do it. It wasn't your fault. Problem is that at that age boys don't really understand the way girls respond. The fact he was doing it and you weren't saying no was probably egging him on further, especially when you two weren't the only ones in the bed. Just learn from this hun, remember if you don't like something say no. And if they don't listen kick them where it hurts.

Teh_Gerbil

It isn't your fault. It is his fault for not even asking you. What a bastard.

And as above, kick anyone who tries it again in the nuts if they don't stop when you tell them.

Former Member

pinkslippers wrote:

Yeah thats how I see it. Thing is he was wrong to do it. It wasn't your fault. Problem is that at that age boys don't really understand the way girls respond. The fact he was doing it and you weren't saying no was probably egging him on further, especially when you two weren't the only ones in the bed. Just learn from this hun, remember if you don't like something say no. And if they don't listen kick them where it hurts.

Agree Pinkslippers, It's important that girls are taught assertiveness, either by their parents or in the school curriculem.

I think a lot of girls have had experiences like that or much worse, and it's something that adults don't seem to want to address, or are deluding themselves that it won't happen to their daughters.

Former Member

Teh_Gerbil wrote:

It isn't your fault. It is his fault for not even asking you. What a bastard.

He didn't ask, she didn't say no, he assumed she liked it.

Teh_Gerbil, think back to when you were 14, maybe being ribbed by your mates, who all talked about how far they got with girls, I'm sure a lot of other guys have been in a similar situation or would have got themselves into a similar situation, the important thing is that when Ballerina, made it clear she didn't want him to touch her, he backed off.

To a 14 year old guy a girl is a weird and fasinating creature, and I'm sure to a 14 year old girl a guy as a weird and fasinating creature, unfortunatly neither can really communicate with each other, a state that continues into adult life, well most of the time anyway.

Teh_Gerbil

Yes, I suppose it was a bit of a bad situation... But I always liked to check with the girl first if she was ok. Well, still do.

Former Member

Teh_Gerbil wrote:

Yes, I suppose it was a bit of a bad situation... But I always liked to check with the girl first if she was ok. Well, still do.

I'm just guessing that this guy was kind of shy and imature, of course it doesn't mean what he did was right lets hope by now he realises he was a jerk at the time though.

Former Member

Ok well the first part of this post made me think. I mean, he was fourteen. I don't know about anyone else, but at 14 I had a damn battleship in my pants.

But if you froze, well it'd be obvious that you were uncomfortable. And if he were touching you, I'd think it would be all the more clear.

Ballerina wrote:

btw he was 14 at the time aswell...he also bought me a pink lacey see through g-string for my birthday and kept asking me to model it for him, i refused but he kept asking me....twat

This just makes him out to be a borderline rape-o

Former Member

Ballerina

First of all ((hugs)) for you.

Secondly, when I was your age something very similar happened to me with a friend of our family. Very similar scenario, we were in my room and he kept trying to feel me up, and force himself on me by holding me down on the bed. I had to push him off me and make up some excuse about having a sore back too.

For a few months after he kept ringing the house and asking for me but I was too scared to talk to him and finally admitted to my mum what he'd done.

If it made you uncomfortable and you froze up then yes, I'd say it's harrasment - and as for the thing he did with the underwear....what a creep...

Hope you're ok

Love cavegirl
xx

Former Member

Thanks for all your replies
I can't help but blame myself for not stopping him sooner, but it was weird, my whole body just went stiff and i couldn't speak. If my brother hadn't been there it would have been much easier for me to stop him.
He might be visiting over this xmas, which means over my 16th bday.....if he tries anything again or gives me a cheeky present i'll let him know....last time i saw him i was with my now ex so he kept a good distance lol

Former Member

just say u have a bf!

Former Member

billybob87 wrote:

just say u have a bf!

i considered that but then he'll bring it up infront of everyone....i might aswell let him know straight i'm not taking any crap, problem sorted then hopefully

Former Member

Ballerina wrote:

i considered that but then he'll bring it up infront of everyone....i might aswell let him know straight i'm not taking any crap, problem sorted then hopefully

prob the smartest move to make

Former Member

i'd honestly say the best advice i could give you is not to let something that happened years ago get to you if you can help it. or make you feel to blame. you were not to blame for what happened. but dragging up the past or hanging onto the past will only upset and hurt you. try and let it go for what it is worth. if you are going to see this guy again then just be a little more on your guard than usual.

Former Member

J wrote:

Maybe he thought it was ok because you didn't stop him or that you liked him or something and that was a follow on from that?
Had you been flirting with him earlier in the night?

nope, maybe he was being dumb and making something out of something that wasnt there

Former Member

Ballerina wrote:

nope, maybe he was being dumb and making something out of something that wasnt there

considering the cirucumstances, it's quite obvious that he is "dumb"

Former Member

sugar_mouse wrote:

its not your fault what happened to you, as this guy had wandering hands. how old was he, bcos at 14 i didnt think you thought of doing stuff like that, or am i just wierd???
Im not sure if its harassment, but im sure someone on these boards will know.
i understand why you couldnt say anything, bcos of your brothers presence. dont feel bad, you did as much as you could do by leaning forward, so stopping his actions (which is what would've happened if you'de screamed at hime or summat!)
*hugs*, cos that must have been horrible!!
Do you still see this guy around??

Every 14 year old boy is a horny little bastard.

It's not harrassment either, she let it go on, he wasn't doing anything out of order...just trying his luck which is fair enough.

Former Member

Spliffie wrote:

Every 14 year old boy is a horny little bastard.

It's not harrassment either, she let it go on, he wasn't doing anything out of order...just trying his luck which is fair enough.

She said she froze, you'd have to be a complete imbecile not to notice if you were touching someone and they froze...

Yep, it might be true that every 14 year old boy is a horny bastard but it does NOT give them the right to intimately touch whoever they like whenever they like.

Former Member

cavegirl wrote:

She froze ffs, you'd have to be a complete imbecile not to notice if you were touching someone and they froze...

Yep, it might be true that every 14 year old boy is a horny bastard but it does NOT give them the right to intimately touch whoever they like whenever they like.

thank you

Former Member

Ballerina wrote:

thank you

you're welcome honey - that's the kind of comment you don't need right now...hope you're ok ((hugs))

Love cavegirl
xx

Former Member

cavegirl wrote:

She said she froze, you'd have to be a complete imbecile not to notice if you were touching someone and they froze...

Yep, it might be true that every 14 year old boy is a horny bastard but it does NOT give them the right to intimately touch whoever they like whenever they like.

Look, shit like that happens all the time, it's how inexperienced boys make the first move. Most boys would take freezing without apparent objection as a good sign. If you don't like it, you show objection. End of.

Former Member

Spliffie wrote:

Look, shit like that happens all the time, it's how inexperienced boys make the first move. Most boys would take freezing without apparent objection as a good sign. If you don't like it, you show objection. End of.

Most boys would take freezing without objection as a good sign???? Wtf??? That is the biggest load of bollocks I've heard in a long time.

So if someone freezes on you, you take that as a sign they're liking what you're doing?

I would've thought freezing was objection enough. End of.

Former Member

cavegirl wrote:

Most boys would take freezing without objection as a good sign???? Wtf??? That is the biggest load of bollocks I've heard in a long time.

So if someone freezes on you, you take that as a sign they're liking what you're doing?

I would've thought freezing was objection enough. End of.

If a girl freezes but shows no objection, then it wouldn't be difficult to reach to conclusion she's receptive but nervous. That's called logic.

Former Member

Spliffie wrote:

If a girl freezes but shows no objection, then it wouldn't be difficult to reach to conclusion she's receptive but nervous. That's called logic.

Logic???

I don't think so. The point I'm making is that freezing is a non-verbal gesture which demonstrates that someone is unhappy/upset with another persons actions. How on earth can you be receptive if your body is frozen?

Former Member

cavegirl wrote:

Logic???

I don't think so. The point I'm making is that freezing is a non-verbal gesture which demonstrates that someone is unhappy/upset with another persons actions. How on earth can you be receptive if your body is frozen?

I've already told you. Nerves. I've seen it plenty of times - guy starts touching girl - girl tenses up but doesn't object - guy continues and she usually gets into the swing of things.

Hardly an unknown concept.