Miscarriage

Pearly

For anyone who's suffered a miscarriage, here's a new article focusing on how to cope with losing a baby. We speak to Zoe who's been through it herself - she tells us how she coped with her loss.

Miscarriage: The emotions

We also have an article up on

Miscarriage: The facts

Thanks

Former Member

"Younger women often tell us that friends or family have said: 'It's probably for the best' or, 'You're only young, you can always try again'. Some people find this comforting, but others are upset by it. Often the best thing to say is: 'I'm sorry you've lost your baby'."

Thats the worst thing. When someone says "oh it probably happened for a reason" or "there was probably something wrong with the baby"
Of course there bloody was - thats why im so bloody devastated

You definitely need a list there of what not to say.
I found these:

Never say these phrases:

* "You can always have another."
They don't want another baby, they want this baby.

* "Now you have an angel looking after you."
They don't want an angel, they want their baby back.

* "It's for the best."
Best for whom?

* "At least you didn't know your baby."
Whether you held your baby in your arms or only in your mind, this baby is real.

* "There must have been something wrong..."
Wrong with me?

* "Did you do something you weren't supposed to do?
Did I cause this? How could I have hurt my baby?

* "I understand how you feel."
Even if you have had a miscarriage, every one feels their grief uniquely.

* "Have you ever thought of not having children?"
Yes, I probably have.
I realize that I may never be a mother.

* "Be grateful for the children you have..."
It isn't a question of being ungrateful or not appreciating what I have.

Things to say:

* "I'm sorry."
* "What can I do to help?"
* "I'm here for you."

Remember to take your time and be kind and gentle with your friend or relative. Every one has their own grieving ways and time frame. Don't expect them to "get over it." Just be there and offer a shoulder and a comforting hug.

Pearly

You definitely need a list there of what not to say.
I found these:

That's really useful, I'm sure many of us stumble on what to say in this kind of a situation...

Former Member

Never say "It wasn't even a baby, it was a foetus" :grump:

That really fucking got to me. That was how my boyfriend at the time reacted.

Former Member

*Snow White Queen* wrote: »

Never say "It wasn't even a baby, it was a foetus" :grump:

That really fucking got to me. That was how my boyfriend at the time reacted.

That's men for you. I'm sure it was meant in an empathetic way, he just didn't think about it too much before coming out with it.

Former Member

It really wasn't. He was cheating on me at the time so didn't really give a shit tbh. It was clear he was happy what happened.

Boys do come out with strange things sometimes though :yes:

Former Member

*Snow White Queen* wrote: »

It really wasn't. He was cheating on me at the time so didn't really give a shit tbh. It was clear he was happy what happened.

Boys do come out with strange things sometimes though :yes:

In that case then, what a wanker! :mad:

Former Member

squeal wrote: »

In that case then, what a wanker! :mad:

Indeed!

Former Member

that is really mean.

I personally found even well meaning people could make the hurtful comments though.

Thankfully I had a lot of support with mine, and I still felt like I was going nuts at some point. i dread to think how hard it must be for someone who doesnt have that support.

Former Member

The only support I had was from here but even when I came here, I had people accusing me of making the whole thing up (because I'd gone through other things that year unfortunately so OBVIOUSLY I was attention seeking :rolleyes:). That hurt more just as much as what my ex did. I didn't feel as though I had any support from anyone. I just felt really alone I guess.

I kept the whole thing locked up. I couldn't talk to anyone. Its probably why I didn't deal with it very well. My parents only found out about my miscarriage after they found out about the site a year and a half after it happened. That wasn't nice. My Mum was really upset that I couldn't talk to her about it (she has had quite a few miscarriages in her time, once it being twins) but she didn't even know I was in a relationship at the time so yanno

My Mum was 7 months pregnant at the time I miscarried which made the thing much more traumatic for me though, especially as I was there when she gave birth.

People do make hurtful comments without meaning to though, such as "it's for the best" sorta comments.

Former Member

I'm glad you've commented on the feelings of men after a miscarriage, because its something that is nearly always ignored or overlooked.

Whilst I was a little bit relieved when GWST miscarried (neither of us were in a position to be parents) I was upset as well. I do want children, and I do sometimes wonder what it might have been like. It also knocked our sex life for six as well, which I think was the worst thing (and it was me as much as anything).

Former Member

I had a miscarraige when i was 18, i was in a really bad relationship at the time and i think the stress of it made me lose the baby, at the time i was really devasted but i am now kinda glad (and i know that sounds horrible) but im not glad i lost the baby im just glad that im not stuck to my ex for the rest of my life, because i know he would of made my life and the babys life hell.

Former Member

*Snow White Queen* wrote: »

The only support I had was from here but even when I came here, I had people accusing me of making the whole thing up (because I'd gone through other things that year unfortunately so OBVIOUSLY I was attention seeking :rolleyes:). That hurt more just as much as what my ex did. I didn't feel as though I had any support from anyone. I just felt really alone I guess.

I kept the whole thing locked up. I couldn't talk to anyone. Its probably why I didn't deal with it very well. My parents only found out about my miscarriage after they found out about the site a year and a half after it happened. That wasn't nice. My Mum was really upset that I couldn't talk to her about it (she has had quite a few miscarriages in her time, once it being twins) but she didn't even know I was in a relationship at the time so yanno

My Mum was 7 months pregnant at the time I miscarried which made the thing much more traumatic for me though, especially as I was there when she gave birth.

People do make hurtful comments without meaning to though, such as "it's for the best" sorta comments.

Stacey that is certainly a terrible experience to go through. What you describe is awful. I'm glad you've come through though, that must have taken a lot of courage and energy from your part. Congratulations for that .

Former Member

bluewisdom wrote: »

Stacey that is certainly a terrible experience to go through. What you describe is awful. I'm glad you've come through though, that must have taken a lot of courage and energy from your part. Congratulations for that .

Aye, it was. Thank you