My head's spinning - please help :-(

Former Member

Hey guys. Ok so I didn't think I'd be back on here - not so soon anyway, but I have (yet another) problem.

For those of you who've read my previous posts, I'm still with Phil. He's cut Wendy out of his life (deleted her number, told her not to contact him etc), although she did phone him the other day out of the blue, to tell him that morrissey was touring next month. He said "yes I know, my girlfriend told me - I'm in the pub now with her and my friends", then sent her a text telling her he was "happy now" (she replied, saying that she was glad and she's met a 'gorgeous new bloke'...blatant lies to get a reaction but it didn't work, cos Phil just texted back with "good. Watch how you go", and she hasn't been in touch since. Yay!). Anyway I'm having problems getting over what happened in the past.

Phil has changed; he's much more affectionate - in public and in the house, we chat and joke around much more than we used to, go out together (to the pub or wherever) lots more and he's ok with me going out with his friends on my own - oh, and he doesn't sleep on the sofa anymore!

So yeah, it's got better - but I get moments (at least twice a day) where I'll look at him and think about Wendy and that whole situation - he's told me that he realises he was a knob before and didn't appreciate me as much as he should have done, and that when he hads to 'choose' between me and Wendy it wans't a choice at all, because he knew he wanted me.
Sounds good, but the Wendy thing is literally on my mind 24-7. Recently I've been picking silly little fights or moving away when he tries to cuddle up in bed, because I'll be thinking about how he told another woman he loved her (whether he meant it that way or not; he says he didn't and was just saying it to please her) - I even hate the fact that she knows he loves Morrissey, which is stupid because everyone knows he loves Morrissey - he plays it in his car at full blast on his way home from work at 1am! :razz:

Like I said, my head's spinning - even though nothing happened between Phil and Wendy, not even a kiss (they've both said that), I still consider what he did as cheating. Am I being stupid/unreasonable, and should I just get over it, put it out of my mind, trust him and stop throwing his mistakes back in his face? Or is how I'm feeling normal?

Please reply asap x

Former Member

It's probably normal, but you're bang on the mark that you need to stop throwing his "mistakes" back in his face. You have made the decision to stick with him, and unless you did it conditionally then he has the right to expect a relationship without constant retribution and coldness from his signifigant other. It's fair enough that you don't trust him implicitly right now, trust has to be earned and his confessions of love to another woman would be enough to make anyone very mistrustful of their partner. But you need to start working through your feelings about Wendy, realise that he has [finally] made a choice and that you were it. He was a prize tit in the past, but maybe he's not all bad, he can't be completely horrendous I assume since you've given him chance after chance. If you don't wipe the slate clean now or at least start letting go of your insecurities about a woman now out of the picture, well then you're going to let Wendy wreck things for you once again. Not even Wendy, the bloody ghost of Wendy past!

Oh and as much as you may feel like punishing him/withholding affection from him, please don't move away when he cuddles up in bed, that is such a petulant and hurtful thing to do. Especially when you see it as some way of saying "see, you hurt me and now I can hurt you" because of things in the past that he can't rightly change now.

Former Member

I am not even going to waste the energy to laugh or become upset.

Former Member

I see what you mean, he does keep saying that I'm always saying things that hurt him - and last time I mentioned the fact Wendy had tried to ruin the relationship in the past, he said "well, don't let her ruin our future". Thing is, I just can't trust anything he says now. He says he loves me, I doubt it. It's just totally fucked up my head (and before Lipsy and the others that posted say it, I'll say it first; you were right) and I don't know how to get over it - or even if I should.

Former Member

Okay, I read your previous post about Wendy. She is nearly the same age as your boyfriend and someone he met before you (just before you). Correct me if I am wrong.

You obviously consider her as a serious threat since she worries you a lot. I can understand the thought you might be having; maybe he did consider her once, she slept over at his house (just something plantonic) and they are similar ages.

I don't know everything but from what you wrote it appears his life has been "transparent" regarding Wendy. Breaking off contact with her. I'm not sure what more you can expect, do you suspect something? You should be very careful about your thoughts and subsequent actions - don't go into "self destruct" by making Wendy into a problem between you.

You should ultimate avoid this being a self fulling prophecy. I think you should try to think why you feel this way, do you normally have trust issues?

Former Member

i think if you're gonna stay with him you have to put the past behind you. no point in staying with him and bringing it up every 5 minutes.

Former Member

None of us can travel back in time to right the wrongs of the past, so you either have to try and get over it somehow, or finish the relationship.
Which is it that you want?

Former Member

I do love him, and I do want to be able to put it all behind me and move on - and trust him the way I did before all this happened. It's just hard to get over.

It does seem like he's changed a lot, but the cynic in me is wondering why - especially as a few weeks ago, he said "you'll never change me, no one can". I've asked him about that and why the sudden change - he said that he didn't think he ever would change and he don't know why he has now, but it's happened and he's happy.

Former Member

maybe you scared him and he realised he was actually gonna lose you. Maybe he now finally appreciates what hes got and how close he came to screwing it up.

Former Member

Maybe. Ooh I don't know, this is how my mind is all the time lately - I'm thinking the same as you one minute, then the next minute I'm wondering if it's all just bs and he's going to change his mind about us again in a couple of weeks. It doesn't help that he's like me - if we argue, he'll totally over react and see it as the worst thing in the world, then say that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Then after a few minutes or a few hours in some cases, he'll tell me he didn't mean it and that he doesn't want me to go. I do this too, which is just sooo stupid.

Former Member

The problem is, if youre in love, then youre immediately in a very vulnerable position. Noone ever really knows fr sure if the other person is going to leave, or if the other person is just taking them for a ride. It makes it doubly difficult that its only been a short time, and tripley difficult that hes hurt you already. Youve got the once bitten twice shy thing going on. As long as he doesnt expect for the trust to be100% immediately, and to realise that youre still hurt over what happened, and that you CANT just immeiately forget, but if its worth it, then with time, this betrayal will be but a distant memory. You also have your work cut out in trying to be realistic about what you wanted, what you actually got, whether thats still enough, whether the potential is still there for it to be great and whether you ca d your bit to try and get past this issue.
People get over a lot worse in their relationships and ca be happy, but plenty of peple break up over less too, and that can also be the right thing too!

Former Member

That makes sense, you have to learn to trust otherwise it's not worth it. Good luck.

Former Member

Yeah I see what you mean.

I really didn't expect him to change as much as he has; I know he's really worked at it - much more than I have, which makes me feel bad (I've been a bitch towards him over the past couple of weeks, whereas he's been making an effort not to argue with me, and taking all the crap I've thrown at him really well). So yeah, I think it really could work out - I just need to learn to trust him, like you said.

He hasn't given me any reason not to trust him recently.

Thanks for the advice