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Am I being a first-class idiot?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
In brief - saw my boyfriend smoking this morning as we drove past, he didn't know we were there. He used to smoke, but never in front of me, and never before he saw me, then he gave it up, and recently (maybe 2 weeks ago) told me that he just smelt of smoke because people can smoke in the staff canteen.

A bit of history - we've had quite a few problems over 18 months, which I can go into if people feel they're relevent. Mostly him not being sure what he wants.

We've recently been talking about getting married in the future and living together, and yesterday I was determined I wanted to spend my life with him. Yet after what I saw this morning, I thought he was one of the most unattractive people I'd ever seen, and now I'm not sure I want to be with him at all. I can't decide whether the problem is mostly that he lied to me -although I didn't ask directly if *he* was smoking, I did trust his answer to mean that it was other people rather than him - or whether it's the fact that he was smoking, and yes I do hate it.

Am I over reacting? I realise that I'm going to have to talk to him about this, and I just don't know what approach to take - bollock him, cry over it, or try and be the understanding girlfriend. He responds better to the nicely-nicely approaches, but I'm just not sure I can do that this time around. I don't want to be the bitch that says "give it up or it's over" but at the same time all the trust in him, which has always been dissolved easily due to past experiences with him, has just vanished.

We've had conversations about it before, where I've said that if it was really what he wanted, I'd try and deal with it, but that I wasn't sure how long I'd be willing to put up with it. He knows I don't like it, so I'm wondering if he thought he'd be able to hide it forever.

What would people do in this or similar situations, and how do I know if it's time to draw the line on forgiving him again?

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Its annoying habit certainly, but its not a massive thing really. He may well have just (like quite a lot of people) fallen back into the habit and doesnt want to tell you because he knows you dont like it.

    I'd just ask him, say you saw him and ask if he has started again, if he has then deal with it. Obviously if he lies right to your face about it then there is an issue.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i totaly see your point on this. maybe sit him down and say "" have you smoked recently?" and if he says no, then you can explain to him what you saw+confront him about it. And if he says yes, then he's honest.
    i think, either way, you need to both talk about the trust issue and sort that out THEN sort out the issues with smoking!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    and I just don't know what approach to take - bollock him, cry over it, or try and be the understanding girlfriend

    Maybe it's best not to take any of those approaches. If I were you, I'd ask him directly if he has been smoking, you already know the answer to this, it's up to him whether or not he tells you the truth. If he lies to your face, then you have more to talk about.

    But I honestly don't think that smoking (as horrible as it is) is reason to end a relationship, particularly if you have been talking about the future. I think if he lies to you, then that's cause for perhaps taking a step back and discussing what you both want.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It doesnt have to be a trust issue as such though, unless that is he has said 'I will never ever smoke one fag ever again'. You dont know if he has taken it up again, and you seem to have no idea how long if at all he might have been smoking.

    My guess is, he went to the pub, and like with so many blokes after a few pints a fag seems a better and better idea, so you smoke a few. Then a few days later he gets offered one and says yes. You dont know the facts and you are jumping to conclusions.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    budda wrote:
    It doesnt have to be a trust issue as such though, unless that is he has said 'I will never ever smoke one fag ever again'. You dont know if he has taken it up again, and you seem to have no idea how long if at all he might have been smoking.

    My guess is, he went to the pub, and like with so many blokes after a few pints a fag seems a better and better idea, so you smoke a few. Then a few days later he gets offered one and says yes. You dont know the facts and you are jumping to conclusions.

    Nothing to do with pubs because he doesn't go to them, nor does he go out with friends. I suspected it since around when he started his new job tbh, maybe 3/4 weeks ago? I was sure I could taste it and I could smell it on him, so I told him he smelt of smoke, and he said it was just that they were allowed to smoke in the canteen. So then I wasn't sure I could taste it, and thought that maybe it wasn't that strong a smell, because I trusted him, and so I pushed the thought out of my mind.

    I just can't believe how unattractive I think he is right now because of a stupid bit of white paper and plant, so I guess smoking must be a big deal to me, even though really it doesn't have to be. :(

    Well I say he doesn't go to pubs/out with friends, it's not characteristic of him, but I could be wrong..

    I'm also fairly sure that he realised we were there after Mum shouted his name out of the window. I wouldn't even have noticed if she hadn't asked me why he was smoking. Ignorance really was bliss :(
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Starting a new job can be very stressful and a lot of people often turn for a smoke at times like that.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Dont try and catch him out though, tell him you saw him and then ask him. Being sneeky isnt going to get you anywhere really, at least it will get you no where constructive.
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    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    go_away wrote:
    Maybe it's best not to take any of those approaches. If I were you, I'd ask him directly if he has been smoking, you already know the answer to this, it's up to him whether or not he tells you the truth. If he lies to your face, then you have more to talk about.

    But I honestly don't think that smoking (as horrible as it is) is reason to end a relationship, particularly if you have been talking about the future. I think if he lies to you, then that's cause for perhaps taking a step back and discussing what you both want.

    :yes: absolutely.

    I think you've done really well to come on the boards about this Kate as you obviously really want to do the right thing here. Perhaps bear in mind that it might not be the smoking that has really upset you - if you are finding your boyfriend really unattractive right now, it might be a few things that have contributed and this is feels like the last straw. Talking to your boyfriend openly (as suggested above and by Budda) will hopefully give you a chance to really work out how you feel about it. Take care :)
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