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Help with younger sister and parenting.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Right, i dont really know how to explain all this, hopefully i'll get my point of view across.

Bit of background info about my sister-
  1. she's 12 years old
  2. Her dad is my ex step-dad, my mum divorced him about 5 years ago.
  3. We both have the same step dad now
  4. She's really submissive in situations out of the home, like she lets her friends make all the decisions and lead the way. They say the word and she follows
  5. It seems like she's constantly trying to be like her friends. She doesnt seem to have a mind of her own. She thinks that trying to be like other peopke is the way to fit in or be popular
  6. If she wants something, she knows that all she has to do is beg and beg and bed, make a big deal of it and piss my mum off so much that she gives in

A few years ago when my sister was about 8, she begged and begged for her own pc. Having seperated parents seems to have worked to her advantage- my mum said no but her dad said yes. So of course she got what she wanted. In my opinion, i thought she was way too young to have a pc. But at the same time it seemed no harm as long as she didnt spend too much time using it.
Couple of years later (aged about 10) we moved house and got a wireless network. My sister wanted a wireless adapter for her pc so of course she was eventually allowed to get it after much demanding. Nobody listened to me when i said it was a bad idea for a 10 year old to have internet access (due to the sheer content of the internet). Because nobody listened to me i tried to make the internet as safe as possible for her. Because at the time i was at uni most of the year, when i was away my sister demanded that the passwords got taken off and for about a year she has had (and still has..) completely unrestricted internet access. Who knows the amount of stuff she could have seen?
The next thing is phones, she's gone through about 8 phones. She's had a mobile phone for about 3 years. I feel it was too young but i feel that at 12 she should have one for the puspose of contacting my mum when she goes places with just her friends, for safety. But she's never satisfied. Last year she demanded that pink thin phone, more recently her friends keep playing songs on their phones and because hers wasnt compatible, she decided she wanted a new one. Now there was nothing wrong with her old phone it just didnt have the ability to hold mp3 format music. She parted with £80 of her saved pocket money to get a new phone just for the purpose of recording songs onto it from her cd player. She already has an mp3 player so whats the point. Again, i tried to advise my mum to not let her keep getting these new things she doesnt need, but my mum will ALWAYS give in, in the end to shut her up.
To summarise the extent of this i will give you a list of all the expensive things she has demanded and successfully got (most of which she doesnt even use any more)-
  • about 8 mobile phones
  • an mp3 player
  • a portable dvd player (flip up screen style)
  • a pc
  • a combined tv, video and dvd system
  • a mini hifi system
  • a portable hifi radio system thing
  • a nintendo DS
  • playstation

And its not only electrical type items. She just copies what her friends like, nags my mum to let her have it and then realises its not actually that great because it wasnt her who liked it in the first place- it was her friends. It happens with things like clothes all the time. She'll buy them because her friend has them but then sometimes wont even wear them once.

Now i know that all kids go through this to a certain extent. I remember wanting things my friends had too, but its gone too far now and its wasting alot of money, my family struggle enough with money as it is.

Im just so fed up of this whole attitude. She begs for the stuff then tosses it aside when shes bored of it or when she wants something else. It has nothing to do with me- im not her mother, but i cant help but get worked up about it, about the fact that my mum and her dad are not parenting with any principles. She's just getting EVERYTHING she wants. Shes such a spoiled brat, and i just want her to turn out to be a nice teenager who understands the value of things, who appreciates things and has things for the right reasons.
The reason i am posting this today is because she wants a laptop for christmas and my mum has let her. My nan, ex step dad and mum are all teaming together to get her it as a christmas present. She also wants an ipod which her dad is buying for her soon.
SERIOUSLY!! Am I the only one who is seeing any sense here?! They cant let a 12 year old get a laptop. She is way too young it will be broken in no time.
Ive just sat with my mum and tried to get her to change her mind about it, but she only half listens and says that im not the one who has to put up with all the nagging that my sister will do if she says no. But i know very well that if she exerts some authority she can turn it around and take charge of the situation, she doesnt have to put up with the nagging if she puts a stop to it.

Every single time my sister demands a new item, i give advice if i think its a bad idea but nobody listens to me, then a few weeks down the line and she's got bored of it and wants something new.
Why wont my mum listen to me? She knows im right about this. A clear pattern has formed where i predict what will happen and it does.

I really want to make her see sense over the laptop because it is *Such* a bad idea for *a 12 year old* to have a sensitive expensive piece of equipment like this. She's always dropping things and has an attitute of if it breaks then it doesnt matter because she can have it fixed or buy a new one.

Does anyone else think I am poking my nose in and should just leave it? Or am i right to be getting fucking annoyed about it? I dont want to see my mum wasting her hard earned money on a laptop that i just know will get broken.

I want my mum to stand up to my sister and say no and make her wait till she is older, when shes more likely to appreciate it and understands about looking after things.

I dont really know what advice i want here, if any. Just any opinions would be appreciated.

I feel like i want to scream. AAARGH!!!

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ok she does sound like she may become a spoiled brat. Does she get loads of pocket money as well? I think people need to learn the value of money. Does she do any jobs around the house at all?

    Did you get similar treatment when you were that age?

    Can your family actually afford all that stuff?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    oh what a pain!!
    Its not even like its for her own good, all that will end up happening is she will think everything she wants will be handed to her on a plate. Shell be in for a sharp shock in a few years!
    I dont have any advice, cos im pretty adept at saying no to my kid, but it must be a bit of a nightmare for you to sit back and just watch them spoiling her (in a bad way) People dont seem to realise sometimes that spoiling a kid makes them turn out.............spoilt!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    PussyKatty wrote:
    Ok she does sound like she may become a spoiled brat. Does she get loads of pocket money as well? I think people need to learn the value of money. Does she do any jobs around the house at all?

    Did you get similar treatment when you were that age?

    Can your family actually afford all that stuff?

    She gets about £10 pocket money per week. Normally she saves it up and spends it on clothes or expensive trainers she'll never wear. Or a new phone.

    I was treated completely differently when i was her age. Its as if my mum has completely changed. I had a different dad to her though of course. I was brought up to only be allowed the things i actually needed.

    And no, my family in no way can afford these things, we're actually having alot of money problems.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    oh what a pain!!
    Its not even like its for her own good, all that will end up happening is she will think everything she wants will be handed to her on a plate. Shell be in for a sharp shock in a few years!
    I dont have any advice, cos im pretty adept at saying no to my kid, but it must be a bit of a nightmare for you to sit back and just watch them spoiling her (in a bad way) People dont seem to realise sometimes that spoiling a kid makes them turn out.............spoilt!

    This is exactly it, and its SO frustrating. I know that if i was her mother i could do a much better job of saying no, and basically taking charge of the situation.

    But it seems like theres nothing i can do to make my mum see what she's doing

    Im glad someone agree's, i was beginning to think that maybe im wrong and that a 12 year old should be getting a brand new laptop!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Can't she get a paper round or something? I did one when I was 13, I got £15 a week.

    It must be annoying but if no one listens to you I don't see what you can really do about it.

    The phone thing sounds quite pathetic but then if she's saving up her own pocket money it's up to her what she spends it on.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why would she need a laptop at age 12 if she already has a pc?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    kangoo wrote:
    Why would she need a laptop at age 12 if she already has a pc?

    Exactly.

    But more to the point, a 12 year old doesnt even need her own personal pc with unlimited internet access either, let alone a laptop which will do exactly the same thing.

    I must be the only one with any sense in this family.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My sister is 13 and pretty similar to you.

    If she wear 3 tons of make-up, goes out each single day with her friends to the football field to meet the stupids, never finishes her homework, sits allday in front of MSN or TV (has an own TV, in fact she has MY FUCKING TV in her room, because my mum decided I didn't need it.), is stupid and uneducated/struggling in school, and talks in a bitch-tone, theeeeen you are authorized to join the club.


    sign here: ___________________________________


    nothing you can do about it. I had fight with my parents. My sis always fucking throws her pocket money out the first few days she get it, and my parents have to pay for everything then.
    At least she does not get so many gadgets, but still her phone bill is horrible, so my father took her contract phone away. Your sis might be a bit more spoiled, but she will recognize how the world is really running in a few years, while my sister will be struggling in a 40h job, to feed herself and her 2 kids, since the father ran off...

    ... or something.
    She gets about £10 pocket money per week.

    Jesus Christ. When I was 12 I got around 20 Schillings of pocket money, which is about 1 - 1,50 pound a week.

    My last pocket money did I receive with 18 or so and I got 30€ (<20 pounds) a MONTH.

    Tell you what: It was sufficient for me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wow, i'm only 16 and when i was 12 i didn't have a mobile, pocket money, a computer, or loads of clothes. I've only ever had 2 mobiles and i've my last one over 3 years. I've never had pocket money or wanted trendy clothes. But i grew up in a old mining town where most of my friends families were on benefits so there wasn't pressure to outdo each other or whatever. We just played outside and made dens.

    I completely know what you mean. It's quite worrying when you see all these pre teenies strutting round with expensive mobiles and handbags. I was lucky i've been bought up to be grateful, because half of the time i didn't get the things i wanted or would have to wait a long time i.e xmas. And to think they're only 3 or more years younger than me. Its worrying how much its all changed so suddenly.

    Tbh, it's probably down to her friends. But sadly that's what alot of them are like now. Have you tried talking to your mum?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    TBH Blah, i think you've done all you can. You've done the sensible thing and sat your mum down and talked to her in a quiet sensible way without having a row and she STILL can't see it. She needs to put her foot down and do it now, or God knows how your sister is gonna grow up. No offence, but she may turn out to be some spoiled little git with no friends.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    RubberSkin wrote:
    TBH Blah, i think you've done all you can. You've done the sensible thing and sat your mum down and talked to her in a quiet sensible way without having a row and she STILL can't see it. She needs to put her foot down and do it now, or God knows how your sister is gonna grow up. No offence, but she may turn out to be some spoiled little git with no friends.

    she will PAY people to be her friends!
    "moooom, can I have 10 quid, I need new friends" :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    RubberSkin wrote:
    TBH Blah, i think you've done all you can. You've done the sensible thing and sat your mum down and talked to her in a quiet sensible way without having a row and she STILL can't see it. She needs to put her foot down and do it now, or God knows how your sister is gonna grow up. No offence, but she may turn out to be some spoiled little git with no friends.

    None taken. Your right, i actually hate my sister as a person. Obviously as a member of my family i love her, but she is a horrible horrible girl. And its all my mums fault.

    Bad parenting pisses me off so much. My mum knows how to do it, she brought up me and my older brother to be nice geniune people, we are appreciative have values and morals, we never got stuff handed to us on a plate and we'd never expect to- we like to work for what we get and we're not materialistic.

    Then theres my sister. Shes a liar, she will lie in any way possible to get her own way. She just wants everything, think the world revolves around her, and thinks that posessions make a good person.

    I know i need to sit back and ignore it, theres nothing i can do if they wont listen. But its so hard when i know i am right. And whats even more hard is whenever i visit home i see how much my family struggle with money yet they probably wouldnt have to if they created some boundaries with my sister.

    *sigh*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jesus! If I nagged my mum I'd get grounded, I'd soon shut up.
    Your sister reminds me of my cousins, the brats got what they wanted just to keep them quiet. They have run rings round their parents for years, Ihavent seem tem in yeasr but I've heard they are still whining brats, they are just older.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    God. Tbh I have no contstructive advice, but if you do get your mum to see sense then I'd also encourage her to put bans (or at least limits) on the things she already has! Let her earn them!

    I got a mobile phone when I was 12 off my parents for my birthday. I got it partly because my mum really liked the phone (:lol:) and partly because they both worked long hours outside of my town, so they liked to be able to get hold of me, as I was walking to and from school ,and being left alone for up to 12 hours. Since then, I have bought any electrical item myself, or have recived help buying them as a birthday present. I actually offered to help my parents buy my 18th birthday present the other day (a laptop - for my 18th, not christmas ;)) but I was told no, they wanted it to be special.

    If anything, she's not going to learn the value of money. I stopped getting pocket money at about 12/13, but instead I have the child benefit my parents got for me put into my acocunt. The catch to this is I pay for my food outside of the house, and all my clothes - basically what it is intened for. I have to earn anything else, always have, and I bet a lot of people on here were the same! :)

    Keep trying with your mum, but don't do it at tetchy times (such as, when your sister has just dropped her new laptop and it's broken). That wont be well taken. Just point it out subtly, and maybe someone will talk back to you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Can't you talk to your sister? It does seem wrong that she gets anything when she wants it. When I was her age (even now if I don't have the money; which I normally do) and I asked for something, I wouldn't get it just like that. I'd get it on the condition that I agreed to pay mum back - whether it be a couple of quid a month or all of my pocket money for a month.

    If her parents keep on doing this to her, then there's NO way she's ever going to learn about the true value of money.

    Does she have to work for any of this stuff, or is it just given to her when she demands it?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My sister is 12 and similar to this in some respects - her and all of her friends have top of the range mobiles, they all have brand new games consoles, TVs and DVD players in their rooms etc and they would all I'm sure LOVE to have a computer with internet in their own rooms. Your sisters attitude seems entirely normal to me, although she does sound spoilt as although most 12 year olds have some of the things you mentioned on the list, I don't know any that have *all* of them.

    What she does with her own pocket money should be up to her I think, if she wants to waste it on stuff that she never wears then that is her decision. However I think perhaps your parents should take the approach of either giving her pocket money to save up for her own latest bit of technology OR giving her the stuff herself, I don't think its right that she has her own money and is given all this stuff - it isn't really teaching her the value of money or how to save for stuff she really wants.

    I do think though this is just a sign of the times. I never had a mobile, DVD player or my own computer at 12, but it seems to have become the norm for most kids her age to have this stuff.

    Maybe I'm wrong, but do you think perhaps in a way your mum may be over-compensating for the break-up with your sisters real dad? Obviously I don't know the circumstances but it seems like this all started not long after they divorced. Or maybe your sister just really grinds her down and she can no longer be bothered with putting up a fight?

    Unfortunately apart from talking to your mum I can't see an obvious solution. Having a sister that age myself I know that it is impossible to get through to them about stuff like this, especially when they see their friends with all this stuff and associate it with making you popular etc.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The huge problem/sad thing about this, is that if your mum starts getting off her arse and doing something, your siter wont take any shit from her, and it should be the other way around. Your mum would have, or will soon, be afrain of your sisiter, and thats really not right.

    Could you - in all honesty - get SuperNanny to your house?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She's 12, there's little point talking to her, unless you want a slanging match and then some radgey pubescent to slam about for the rest of the afternoon.

    If your mum can't or won't see it then you can't make her, and that's the worst thing. If your family's having money problems spending money could well be your mum's way of hiding it and escaping the pressure, but if she spends money on her child she doesn't feel guilty. It's not that uncommon.

    The sad thing is that your sister will grow up a spoiled brat, she sounds just like my sister-in-law who was a spoiled teen and is now a spoiled adult who appreciates the cost of precisely nothing.

    All you can do is walk away from it, its a problem for your mum and your sister, and you can't do any more. I know its hard, but you can't make a blind person see the light, and you can't make an annoying spoiled pubescent consider anyone but themselves.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My sister was like that but came through it.

    She got a laptop, TV, holidays, days out, booze, you name it really...

    I bought my own PC. Every mobile phone I've ever had, I've bought with my own money. She has paid for 0 of them. And it goes on...

    Was very annoying because I was working hard in a partime job, and would have to buy my own trainers (well, pay mum for buying them for me) and yet my sister got everything bought for her, and I ended up no better off despite working 12 hours a week.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Blah wrote:
    None taken. Your right, i actually hate my sister as a person. Obviously as a member of my family i love her, but she is a horrible horrible girl. And its all my mums fault.

    Then she needs an ally, not an enemy. Ok, admittedly I'm playing Devils Advocate here, but do you really think your sister is ^ then she can probably sense your feelings and will either really take them to heart or see them as even more reason to rebel/take 'comfort' in these material things.

    She's on the verge of becoming an adolescent and we all know what that can mean. Having an older sister to look up to and learn from could be a great help to her - so I'm not saying don't be angry that she is getting spoiled or don't stop mentioning to your mum the effects it could have on her future. But - and you knew there was one coming - one of the best things I did with my brother when he was 13 was let him stay with me for weekends (away from the parents!) and take him to a couple of parties (dinner not mingling) so he had a chance to meet some of my mates, them meet him and generally not see me as this alien big sister. It may sound like this is going off track a bit, but I guess what I'm saying is whether or not your sis will listen to you in these crucial years will probably depend on the relationship you build. It's going to be a nightmare to try and impose a moral high ground on a young lady who 'can tell' (and trust me she can) you think she's horrible.

    On a final note - you obviously do really care about her - as these posts show and I'll understand if you think anything I've suggested just seems ridiculous. ;) Take care.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To be fair what helen says rings true. Me and my sis get on pretty well now, back each other up vs. my mum lol :p - occasionally she can be immature but its all part of growing up
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds like your mum is the one that needs a talking to.

    Your sister sounds perfectly normal to me, she wants whats he wants and knows how to get it.

    I'd have thought having a PC to use is normal for a 12 year old these days with school work, etc to do.

    If your sister knows that constant nagging will work on your mum then she'll keep at it - your mum & her dad has to be willing to say no and mean no.
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