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Don't wana be here anymore

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi,
For as far back as i can remember i've felt depressed, however its now got to the point that i don't want to be here anymore.

My dad died last October, and thats why i feel so down. A lot of other things have happened before this, but it is this that has sent me on my downward spiral.

He was my best friend, and without him i feel like i've got nobody. I wish i'd crawled into the coffin next to him and gon with him.

Ive tried overdosing a few times now, but it hasn't worked. Just recently i've started cutting as well. It really helps me at the time, but then afterwards i feel even worse than i did before.

I was put on fluoxetine by my doc in about feb, but took mysen off them cos i dint think they were wrkin for me. Now i feel worse than ever but darent go back cos i feel stupid.
Thanx

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh
:(

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Right
    A) there are many a person with more serious issues. I have hell of a lot more issues to deal with, if you wish you may take a look at my live journal and then you may feel your life is alot more pleasant.
    B) fluoxetine aka prozac tends to be a hard one, takes a while to kick in and you should NEVER take yourself of them, it could cause serious effects.
    C) Go back to your docter, there is no point in feeling stupid, the pills didn't work, try something else.
    D) People live and die, its a fact of life, you are gonna have to deal with it, I have dealt with it and do you honestly believe your dad is wanting you to kill yourself NO. He would want you to carry on, do well in life so kiddo, just do exactly that, just remeber he loved you and that it would be hurting him seeing you in this state (and dont take a harshly it was just a fact, my lifes had shit, but i'd rather have mine than that of a starving african with aids and no parents or home)

    Think about it. I've been taught to not butter things up, tell it straight and give people a kick up the backside to get moving, everyone will approach things in different ways.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    U can easily say that, but you don't know half the things that have gone on in my life. U have no clue, so i don't think u shud judge me.
    It pisses me off that people think that i shud just brush myself off and move on. If i could don't u think i would? I don't like feeling the way i do.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm telling it from real experience, and i gave advice which you obviously didn't listen to.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Telling someone that you [feel you] have had it worse than them isn't helpful in the slightest, ~MINXY~. I completely understand where you're coming from with your "tough love" approach, but there's tough and there's sounding a little heartless if I'm honest. It's not a competition as to who has had the hardest life or the most to cope with... some of us cope better than others, even though we may have gone through less physical loss.

    jordy - first of all, I'm so sorry that you lost your father. I can't imagine how you felt/are feeling, all I know is that when I even think about losing my parents I find the emotions it triggers very strong... almost unbearable. But people do get through this - most of us will have to at some point - in time and with the right help. can I just ask how old you are? Are you in school/college/university? You obviously need to start talking to a professional about this, other than your GP (or at least maybe look at pursuing a course of action that isn't purely medication with your GP). Do you have anyone at all close to you that you could open up to? A friend or family member who are slightly removed from the situation.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    my dad died 3 years ago, the week b4 my 18th and final college exams, it is hard but thinking of ending your life isnt helping! i know its hard, but trust me, my life since my dad died has been soooo tough, financially, emotionally etc you HAVE to deal with it though!

    is there no1 u can talk to?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    OMG littleali emotionally i can understand but financially..... what your dad was your bank?

    I have lived on my own for 5 years, since i was 16, i've coped.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ~MINXY~ wrote:
    OMG littleali emotionally i can understand but financially..... what your dad was your bank?

    I have lived on my own for 5 years, since i was 16, i've coped.
    wow that was fuckin harsh

    i live with my mum, i am at uni (just finished actually) and can only manage a part time job (now i`ve finished uni i`m applyin for full time), my mum is disabled and only gets a widow pension of £45 a week, that means our whole household income is about £130 a week, we pay £62 rent and £37 council tax....you do the math....
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Briggi,
    Im 19. Thanx for wot u said. Im at uni at the minute.
    Its hard because im isolated. My family aren't close in the slightest, and my mum and i haven't spoken for about three months now... we don't get on.
    I want nothing more than to speak to someone, but im not the sort of person who can open up to people. I've opened up to somebody before and the trust i had in them broke. I feel ashamed about how i feel, and therefore don't like to speak about it.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ~MINXY~ wrote:
    OMG littleali emotionally i can understand but financially..... what your dad was your bank?

    I have lived on my own for 5 years, since i was 16, i've coped.

    Well bravo! Really it's great you're getting on with things... but seriously, just because you can manage your grief [and your finances] doesn't mean everyone is as fabulously equipped with built-in coping mechanisms. Jeez.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sorry you didn't explain that so it was difficult to see it from another angle.
    Your mother can claim diability and you carers allowance.
    I apologise for my harshness, there is help for situations like yours.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ~MINXY~ wrote:
    sorry you didn't explain that so it was difficult to see it from another angle.
    Your mother can claim diability and you carers allowance.
    I apologise for my harshness, there is help for situations like yours.
    my mum claims it, but she has to have the car as her disability is with her legs

    i couldnt claim carers because i was in full time education
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ~MINXY~ wrote:
    OMG littleali emotionally i can understand but financially..... what your dad was your bank?

    I have lived on my own for 5 years, since i was 16, i've coped.

    Death, especially one of a parent is very financially taxing thing. Costs of funerals and burials, debts, for alot of people, having to go from two sources of income to support a family to one. Why do you think so many people go into debt after a death? Alot of average life insurance policies barely even cover the cost of the funeral let alone anything else. I cannot believe how insensitive rude and flat out ignorant you have been in this thread. Death and depression are very serious topics.

    As for the OP, have you seen or considered a therapist or somebody professional to talk to? I find alot of people get confused as they think that you go to one to be analized or to be told whats wrong or stuck on drugs (I don't think you think that, just generalizing) but you can go to somebody to just talk. Just to get the things off your chest. They have people just to listen, to people in your age specific. Just a suggestion.

    I think your doing better than you think. Admitting how down you feel and even being able to come to an internet message board seeking help. You can just vent out on here too if you feel the need. There are always people around willing to listen and help.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    briggi wrote:
    Well bravo! Really it's great you're getting on with things... but seriously, just because you can manage your grief [and your finances] doesn't mean everyone is as fabulously equipped with built-in coping mechanisms. Jeez.

    I havn't totally managed my grief but I live my life, I am on medication for it, and as with jordy, my family aren't close. i dont speak to them, I see my dad once a year if i'm lucky and i am still dealing with greivance.

    i just feel that some people go over the top with their feelings and the way situations are dealt with.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey littleali,
    Thanx for ur words. I just want to feel normal again. They say times a big healer, but i seem to be getting worse.
    Has time helped u?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    jordy wrote:
    Hey Briggi,
    Im 19. Thanx for wot u said. Im at uni at the minute.
    Its hard because im isolated. My family aren't close in the slightest, and my mum and i haven't spoken for about three months now... we don't get on.
    I want nothing more than to speak to someone, but im not the sort of person who can open up to people. I've opened up to somebody before and the trust i had in them broke. I feel ashamed about how i feel, and therefore don't like to speak about it.

    Well you've made the first step in the right direction by talking about it on here; it's a big step, and we'll all help and guide you as best we can, honest :)

    It's difficult to open up about emotions and grief, especially if being fortright and open with your feelings isn't the way you're wired. I can imagine how it'd be even harder for you now that you've already made the move to trust someone once and were let down, but don't let that put you off reaching out to people and leaning on them for support. There is no need whatsoever to feel ashamed that you're still struggling with losing your Dad, I imagine it's something some people never really get over, but manage to pull their life back together and find some solace in new things and new people. That's definitely what your Dad would've wanted for you, I'm sure of it.

    Do you have any friends at Uni who know how you feel? Maybe you should try Student Services and see what kind of counselling they offer? They might have a professional counselling service or even peer support; it wouldn't hurt to check out your options, even if in the end you didn't feel you could go through with it, or that you weren't quite ready yet.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    my_name wrote:
    Death, especially one of a parent is very financially taxing thing. Costs of funerals and burials, debts, for alot of people, having to go from two sources of income to support a family to one. Why do you think so many people go into debt after a death? Alot of average life insurance policies barely even cover the cost of the funeral let alone anything else. I cannot believe how insensitive rude and flat out ignorant you have been in this thread. Death and depression are very serious topics.


    Because I have dealt with a shit load of it including the death of my own child.
    I know how depression is, i've spent time in a 'hospital'.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    jordy wrote:
    Hey littleali,
    Thanx for ur words. I just want to feel normal again. They say times a big healer, but i seem to be getting worse.
    Has time helped u?
    so so

    dont get me wrong, i think about him EVERYDAY without fail

    he was a computer geek, and my course at uni was in computing

    when i was stuck on an assignment, i`d break down n cry because i`d think "if my dad was here...he`d know what to do..."

    its just silly little things like that that get me, and when liverpool play...it`ll never go away, but it helped

    i think the reason i snapped back quick was because my mum was in such a state (she found him dead, then called me, so she seen him 1st) i had to open the sympathy cards, i had to sort out the house for people coming...so i suppose that made me snap out of it

    but yes, time heals, not completely, theres still a scar, but the wound doesnt bleed, sounds cheesy, but thats the best way i can describe it x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ~MINXY~ wrote:
    Because I have dealt with a shit load of it including the death of my own child.
    I know how depression is, i've spent time in a 'hospital'.

    This is the last I'm going to say on this, but if you have your own issues then please start your own thread about it. I really don't think this is particularly helpful, even if your intentions are good. I honestly do think it's great you can be as strong as you seem to be and are working through your problems and the unhappiness in your past, but I don't think jordy is in that situation and kid gloves are sometimes necessary when people are dealing with grief. Especially when it seems that they're not dealing with it.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ~MINXY~ wrote:
    Because I have dealt with a shit load of it including the death of my own child.
    I know how depression is, i've spent time in a 'hospital'.
    there u go then, i cope emotionally but not financially, ur the other way round, i however dont choose to ridicule and patronise u :thumb:

    different strokes for different folks....
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dont want to start a thread of my own, I can cope emotionally, i had postnatal depression then the death of my child so hence 'hospital' plus other issues surrounding my life.
    I have not ridiculed or patranised anybody.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ~MINXY~ wrote:
    I dont want to start a thread of my own, I can cope emotionally, i had postnatal depression then the death of my child so hence 'hospital' plus other issues surrounding my life.
    I have not ridiculed or patranised anybody.

    hmm implying that i saw my dad as a bank and sayin "oooh i coped living on my own" sounded pretty patronising to me
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    littlemissylittlemissy Posts: 9,972 Supreme Poster
    ~MINXY~ wrote:
    I dont want to start a thread of my own, I can cope emotionally, i had postnatal depression then the death of my child so hence 'hospital' plus other issues surrounding my life.
    I have not ridiculed or patranised anybody.

    Then stop talking about it.

    You have ridiculed and patronized. Sorry. Now Jordy's problems are real to him so take your 'tough love' elsewhere for the time being. And stop jumping down people's throats because they haven't told you the full story. It's none of your business.

    Anyway ...
    jordy wrote:
    Hey littleali,
    Thanx for ur words. I just want to feel normal again. They say times a big healer, but i seem to be getting worse.
    Has time helped u?

    As cliched as it sounds, time is a wonderful healer. Even though it may not feel like it just now. Things *will* get better in time. But Briggi is right - you have taken the first step and are talking about how you feel. Which is amazing. Once you start accepting you need help then I believe that is half the battle. Go back to your docs though, tell them how you are feeling at the moment. And keep talking on here.

    Feel free to PM me for a chat if you want. I am on here quite a bit.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    briggi wrote:
    Do you have any friends at Uni who know how you feel? Maybe you should try Student Services and see what kind of counselling they offer? They might have a professional counselling service or even peer support; it wouldn't hurt to check out your options, even if in the end you didn't feel you could go through with it, or that you weren't quite ready yet.

    I have a great friend at universiity. She's the best thing thats ever happened to me. However she doesn't know how i feel. I don't want to jeopardise anything by loading my feelings onto her, and her not bein able to handle it.

    I mite luk in2 student services tho, thanx x
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    littlemissylittlemissy Posts: 9,972 Supreme Poster
    jordy wrote:
    I have a great friend at universiity. She's the best thing thats ever happened to me. However she doesn't know how i feel. I don't want to jeopardise anything by loading my feelings onto her, and her not bein able to handle it.

    I mite luk in2 student services tho, thanx x

    Try letting go a bit. If she is a true friend and as good as you say she is then she will help you get through this. She will only want to see you happy.
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    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Hi Jordy,

    As has been mentioned, it's really brave of you to come here looking for support - and as briggi and my_name have mentioned - there are external networks/sources of help that you might well benefit from.

    If you decide to consider briggi's suggestion about looking up counselling/peer support at your uni, you might also want to think about calling a helpline in the interim if you can't get immediate sessions. Careline offers confidential telephone counselling via their helpline, which you can reach on 020 8514 1177. They specify that one of the reasons they exist is to offer support and counselling to people who are waiting for face-to-face counselling sessions to start.

    Alternatively, I'm not sure if you've heard of Cruse Bereavement Care, but you can reach one of their advisors on 0808 808 1677. They provide support to people who've been affected by the death of someone they know and the website (linked to above) includes lots of information and experiences from other young people who are experiencing similar situations and feelings.

    I hope these suggestions help - but of course feel free to post more and remember you can contact one of our experts at askTheSite for advice and further support online.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    jordy wrote:
    I have a great friend at universiity. She's the best thing thats ever happened to me. However she doesn't know how i feel. I don't want to jeopardise anything by loading my feelings onto her, and her not bein able to handle it.

    I mite luk in2 student services tho, thanx x
    mate mate gemma, her dad died about 6 years before my dad, i`d like to think that even at that time i didnt understand how she felt (coz my dad hadnt died then...) that i was there for her 100%, i never once felt she was loading her feelings onto me

    if she is a good friend, she would feel the same, try it x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanku guys for everything u've sed. I'l try n take onboard all the advice.
    This thread has really helped x x x
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