Want to leave but nowhere to go and one child.

Former Member

Hi

I'm 24 and have been with my girlfriend who is 34 for just over 3 years. We had a daughter this January.

On and off for about a year (even before she was pregnant) and in the last few months, we've not really been getting on. I thought at first it was just the end of what you'd call the "Honeymoon period" and we were just settling into the mundane day to day life that everyone else get's on with, but I think it's a bit worse than that.

We argue/row quite a bit, and over silly things, like i'll ask her to close her mouth when she's eating, or squeeze the toothpaste from bottom, or she'll complain that I bought the wrong brand of bread, etc...

I am now getting to the point where i'm feeling a bit trapped. I left my family who are 200 miles away to move in with this woman, and so I have no family of friends nearby to escape too or anything, and all the friends i've made since I moved here are her friends, or her friends boyfriends/husbands.

We've had massive rows and got to the point where she had told me to leave, but at that I end up apologising and telling her i'm not leaving, and that all usually get's forgotten about the next day.

I feel like I want to leave, but I have nowhere to go. I work from home too as my boss has no office room for me at his place, so I need somewhere to have my computer and broadband access so I can't just doss round a mates for a few weeks or anything, also both our cars are in her name, and even if I found a flat to rent nearby, I need a bed/washing machine/fridge/sofa/cooker etc.. etc.. which is all going to cost a fortune.

When I met this woman, she already had her own house, with everything in it, so I have nothing!

Then of course there is our daughter. I love her to bits, but my parents are divorced, and my mum spent 10 years of her life being miserable because she didn't want to leave dad "for the childrens sake" so I dont want to do the same. I know that's a harsh thing to say, but is she really going to benefit from her mum & dad rowing all the time? This is also another reason I can't just go back to my parents, as I'd need to be close to see my daughter.

So i'm not sure what you people here might suggest I do. My current solution is to sit tight, get on with day to day life as best I can, and try and save some money for when I do move out, or try and line up somewhere I can go, which wont affect work or anything, and then tell her i'm not happy.

I've read tons of advice that says "talk to her, tell her your feelings" etc.. etc.. but if I said to her right now "look, i'm not happy in our relationship" she'd simply say "well you know where the door is"! So that's pointless, and I think mainly she says that because she knows i have nowhere to go. AND when I do leave I want to be able to take my stuff, as she'll probably wreak it all if I dont. I think she has the capacity to be a total bitch.

Any help or advice will be much appreciated.

Former Member

This sounds like a horrible situation, trapped really is the right word! Have you thought about trying to repair the relationship rather than escaping it? Like making the first move, even though the arguements might not be your fault, to try and sort stuff out. Like remembering the reasons you got together in the first place. Maybe you could take her out for the day to somewhere that makes you both happy? And when you feel the need to make a comment like about toothpaste or bread, like little things, just hold back. Hmm, thinking about it though if you're at your wits end, you've probably already tried stuff like this!

Could you not get some holiday time or leave from your job, pack up your essential stuff and just go back to your family for a while? It'll give you both breathing space and time to sort out what you want to do, and what's possibe to do. That means missing your daughter for a while though

If neither of these are possible, then I guess your only other option is to try what you described: save up some cash and look for somewhere close to stay. And then when you have something to fall back, you can try talking to her, and if she say's 'well you know where the door is!' you can call her bluff and use it! But I wouldn't walk out on things too quickly, try and mend what you can first.

Either way, i hope things work out for you

Former Member

Where you and your girlfriend live, do you have any friends around there who you could live with? Meaning that you could still see your daughter.

Former Member

Trebz wrote:

to move in with this woman,

I feel like I want to leave, but I have nowhere to go.


When I met this woman,


I think she has the capacity to be a total bitch.

.

it's over.
face it.
this woman total bitch etc etc ...it's over.
your problem is more how do you move on and survive ...not should you stay with her.

Former Member

Cor, how awful. I know what it's like to give up a life, and have regrets down the line, but not to your extent.

I guess you have to figure out whether you really feel that you want to leave or not. Is the reason you haven't left already really because you don't have anywhere to go, or because you'd actually like to make things better? If you really had to get out, then you could always leave your job and move back nearer to home. It wouldn't have to be forever - you could move back down to your daughter in a few weeks, or a couple of months, once you've had a chance to save up a bit of cash.

I'm inclined to say that you're not really looking for a way out... My guess is that the pair of you need to work out how to deal with all the little things that come up in a relationship - those irritating niggles, like the toilet seat, the toothpaste, dirty clothes on the floor, etc.

All the little things add up and become one big problem - whereas big problems tend to be easier to deal with. Maybe it's just a case of working on the little things - discussing them one at a time, rather than allowing them to all build up into one big bleeeeeurgh?

Former Member

have you considered maybe going to Relate to try and see if you can improve the relationship before splitting up? Its got to be worth a go.

Former Member

Trebz wrote:

if I said to her right now "look, i'm not happy in our relationship" she'd simply say "well you know where the door is"! So that's pointless.

You know why she would say this?

*HINT*

We've had massive rows and got to the point where she had told me to leave, but at that I end up apologising and telling her i'm not leaving, and that all usually get's forgotten about the next day.

If you walk out on her you need to mean it, at least for a week or two.
Maybe then she would wake up and see the way she treats you and want you back.
Dont be a doormat! If you leave because of something she's done then wait for her to try and patch things up with you, even then i wouldnt give in easily.
Make her work for it or she will never appriciate you bud. hope things work out!