Whats important??

Former Member

Been trying to figure this out for months.

Excitement/ great sex/fun/the excited feeling before you see them/hoping the beep on ya phone is their txt.

Or

Feeling comfortable with each other/safe/secure/get on well/enjoy the same things.

???????

My fiance and I have been together over 3 yrs, were about to buy our own home together etc but theres things in our relationship missing. I ve been over looking them, and fiance thinks it'll be ok, they'll resolve themselves but im scared they wont.
We get on fine, enjoy each other company, enjoy the same things, feel safe together and i think we could easily live together. But then we dont really have sex often, and its totally down to me, were rarely affectionate, again down to me, i feel controlled by him, and it just feels like were going along with whats comfotable. I keep telling myself its ok, nobody has the perfect relationshipand that what weve got is good but i cant help wondering.

To make it worse ive met someone who i have so much in common with, who i can really talk to and who i think would be very exciting. Its as though he's exactly whats missing. So im doubting my relationship doubly now.

any thoughts?

JsT

Sikorah wrote:

Excitement/ great sex/fun/the excited feeling before you see them/hoping the beep on ya phone is their txt.

Or

Feeling comfortable with each other/safe/secure/get on well/enjoy the same things.

???????

A relationship needs both. Probably in equal measures.

Former Member

They're not mutually exclusive. I would say the first one describes how you feel about a person at the start, so you're unlikely to get with someone who doesn't give you that. But I guess you could go for more of the second, but it would be more likely to be a friends getting together sort of thing.

Former Member

Both is definitely ideal, you shouldn't have to settle solely for the latter just because your relationship isn't brand new. Fun and an established relationship aren't mutually exclusive, though it does start to feel that way sometimes...

Different things hold different value to different people. Some would find the idea of stability and a secure relationship attractive even without excitement, great sex etc. Some people wouldn't. The perfect relationship for me would combine parts of both description, though certain things hold more value and I'd possible forfeit the butterflies on seeing them for enjoying the same things - as that's going to hold you in good stead for a looong time. Though would you really want to be with them if you weren't excited to see them... :chin: I'd never sacrifice the great sex, though. Never!

There's so much pressure to have the perfect relationship that I think a lot of people do start looking elsewhere when they feel the sparkiness has gone from their relationship with their signifigant other. Your options are basically either working at things - people do manage to put the spark back into a seemingly defunct relationship - or move on to pastures new. Only you can decide what's more important to you, and whether it's possible to infuse that perfect combination into the relationship you've already got. The best of luck with it

Former Member

JsT wrote:

A relationship needs both. Probably in equal measures.

:yes:


If you aren't happy with your relationship have you tried talking to your bf? I mean, you said that he thinks things will be ok or whatever, but does he know exactly what is bothering you? How do you think you can improve things?

Former Member

Sikorah wrote:

to make it worse ive met someone who i have so much in common with, who i can really talk to and who i think would be very exciting. Its as though he's exactly whats missing.any thoughts?

yeah, but think about it.....if you left your fiance for this guy, he wouldn't be perfect, he'd still be missing the other qualities your bf has, and then you still wouldnt be happy. I doubt there's a guy out there who is totally perfect+has everything you want. The trick is to work together, and communicate, about the not so good things.
Have you discusseed properly with him the sex+affection issues? he says they'll resolve themselves, but if its you doing all the work and starting sexual/affectionate things, then its HIM (mostly) that needs to help them resolve themselves.
In what way do you feel controlled by him?

Former Member

wow thanks for the great replies.

The problem with sex is me. I dont want it, with him.
We've talked loads and he still just thinks things will resolve themselves, but i cant help wondering(and told him) that he just ignores the issues to make everything be ok.

I just honestly do not know the answers or how to find them. Its doing my head in. I booked this week off work and all im doing is sitting in the house alone trying to solves all these things. Ive not seen anybody coz i thought that'd help me.

I suppose when ive worn myself out ill go back to thinking its all ok, the problems will sort themselves out, and we'll carry on until something reminds me whats missing again.

It does just come down to what you value in a realtionship and i me can decide if what ive got it what i want.
Bollocks!!!


Thanks anyway.