Suicidal Thoughts

Former Member

I know there is a big thread on Depression/Self Harming above but reading through it, 90% of it was about self harming and this post isn't. If any of the mods decide it should go in that thread instead so be it but anyay, here goes.

Actually, first of all, I'm very wary of posting anything like this because people always claim they're depressed because of little things and I don't want to come across as a whinging idiot but at the moment, I'm always close to tears and continuously thinking about taking too many paracetamol or walking out in front of a car. I can't even tell my friends because of what they might think and I want to go to my doctor but am scared of what he might think!

I posted a few times last year when I was having a tough time with confidence, or more specifically, a lack of it. It was stopping me doing things I wanted and I really didn't like being me.

I'd love to say things have improved but if anything they've got worse which I didn't think could happen.

I'll be 22 in just over 4 months time and I've never had sex, been kissed or even had a girlfriend. This is the main reason why I am so unhappy. I always said that if this was the situation when I was 21 that I'd rather be dead and kill myself. I'm way past that age now and it's not looking like anything is going to change :banghead:

I'm social enough I think,, I go out to the pub every weekend with my mates and watch football or cricket with them depending on what time of year it is of course. But I'm far too shy to talk to girls and think pretty much every girl I find attractive or fancy is so far out of my league it's unreal. I see my mates in relationships with wonderful girlfriends and I think "I'd give my right arm for someone like that" but know deep down it ain't ever going to happen. No girl will look twice at me. The one girl I fell for last year and finally told her how I felt said thanks but no thanks and although I expected it, it had an awful effect on me.

Another factor as to why I'm so unhappy is that I've been unemployed for many months now and I only have a couple of hundred pounds to my name and no money coming in at all. I've got this induction tomorrow for some temporary (a month at most) work but I had to get someone else to ring because I'm frightened of ringing people I don't know! How pathetic is that?! This is the reason I've been unemployed so long, lack of confidence because starting a new job petrifies me. I'm absolutely bricking it about tomorrow.

I hate the way I look and can't bear to look in mirrors these days. I'm about 3 and a half stone heavier than I'd like to be but despite God knows how many efforts to lose weight, I can't. This means I can't wear the clothes I'd like to which means I don't feel good when I go out

I'm even close to tears now writing this :crying: . If anyone at all has any advice then I'd GREATLY appreciate it.

I can't go on like this any longer.

Sorry for the long post.

Former Member

You know, you sound a certain extent like I did when I first arrived back here in September 2004. You talk about never having had sex, never being kissed, never having a girlfriend, there being a lack of money, not being in employment and also being scared about talking to the people you know best. I can see many, many parallels with the situation I was in at the time. That was exactly the same situation I had when I first came here. I'll try to help you by showing you how I got out of this situation.

The first step was in July 2004. I went to the doctors and told him how I felt following my failed suicide attempt the previous evening. He didn't laugh at all. Far from it - he was very sympathetic and understanding. He asked me one question which sticks to my memory today. He said "Danny, do you have any ambitions in life?". After a few seconds, I answered "none.". He made it his mission to change that. He started me on some anti-depressants, and three days later, I was seeing a psychiatrist for the first time. I was seeing him for the rest of the year.

Last year, I took the first steps to getting into employment. The mental health agency referred me to the job centre, whom in turn, referred me onto an agency that could help me out. I was sent into a work placement at an office, where I was to meet my first ever girlfriend. A few months later, I could then claim that I'd not only had a girlfriend, but been kissing and lost my virginity. I was rather proud of myself for the first time in a while. A lot of people meet their partners through work - bear that in mind. I later moved to another job, where I'm still at now. Sadly, the relationship didn't work out, but it's given me a hell of a lot of confidence with women. Only last week, I went out to dinner with one!

So, how to get out of this situation? Some medical help, like anti-depressants and counselling will assist. But you must do some things on your own. I know it's tough as hell, believe me, I don't know how I managed all this, but I'm glad I did. Things have got so far that I'm now off to university in September, and I'm fairly proud that I've accomplished something. And deep down, I suspect you can accomplish plenty too.

Former Member

Hey,

I'm really sorry to hear how unhappy you are. If it helps, I'm a 23 year old guy and I've never been in a relationship. Ok I've never even kissed a girl, so I've got you matched on that one.

I got pretty unhappy a few years back, and I'm only now starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was only when I made an appointment to speak to someone that I started to understand what was making me so unhappy.

Sometimes I tell myself that had I not talked to someone about my problems I might not be here today. The next logical step is to tell myself that I'm still alive. So whatever happens or however I fuck up the rest of my life, atleast I'm here.

When I think like this, I sometimes do things I wouldn't normally do, and I tell you what, it makes me happy that I can do these things.

If you want to talk, I've been in a similar situation and I'll try and be as honest as I can.

Former Member

You need to work on your confidence. Start eating really healthy and doing more exercise is a good start. I know you say you are but maybe you could try that little harder? Exercise makes you feel so much better once you have started (yes i know easier said than done).
CONFIDENCE is what women look for, if you don't like yourself or at least try to look like you do, how can you expect anyone else to like you?!
If you really are that low maybe a trip to the doctors is in order. If you can't bring yourself to say anything write it all down and hand that over to the doctor.

You need to give yourself a break, so what that you haven't been with a girl, theres not a time limit on it. Its not a big deal, you need to focus on your self esteem instead and the rest will fall into place all in good time.

Learn to love yourself and others will too

Former Member

going on what sg mentioned about ambition...

theres a saying (i can't remember it though)... and it basically sums up as 'we need direction in life to function properly'.

So a lack of ambitions or goals can really be a detrement and block motivation... i kind of worry about myself in this aspect as i don't see myself with any clear ambitions (apart from to have fun etc). Anyway not to de-rail the thread.. as tweety said, first things first... don't concentrate on other problems (girls etc).. you need to stick to one thing, which is improving confidence/self esteem, concentrate on one problem at once instead of all of them.. I can't say im amazingly confident so i'm in the same boat partially.

I think having self worth is one of the most important things in life... and confidence/self esteem CAN be learned just like anything else.. (noone starts off with huge amounts of these, just different things happen to people along the way, some lose confidence and some gain more of it).

anyway, i hope you feel better soon...

Former Member

I don't believe anyone needs overly specific ambitions. I don't believe it helps to have a list saying "ok, I want to do this, that and the other, anything less won't do". That can actually make things even worse. No, for most people, a list of somewhat vague-sounding but clear ambitions will do. For instance, I want to get through university, get married, have a family, have a decent career... not terribly specific, but if I manage all this, I'll be fairly content with myself.

Former Member

BarmyArmy wrote:

I'll be 22 in just over 4 months time and I've never had sex, been kissed or even had a girlfriend. This is the main reason why I am so unhappy.

i don't quite understand why you believe that having a gf would make your life better? ~ do you constantly judge and compare yourself to other poeple thinking 'this is what i should be doing...' - STOP IT.

things can change for you but you need to put the effort in yourself to make that change happen. - if you want to get better, it is as simple or as complicated as that. if you cannot put the effort in and you are not willing to feel uncomfortable or to struggle to put the effort in, then the reality is nothing will change for you. i know its hard to find any sense of motivation when you are depressed, but it really is soely down to you...

Former Member

BaarmyArmy, you may have problems but we've all got problems. I've got problems with my weight and my complexion and I've never had a g/f. My self-esteem is shot to pieces and I have to resort to all sorts of different ways to relieve my sexual tensions.
If you wanna chat pm me.

Former Member

Hi Barmy Army

There is absolutely nothing odd about being 21 and a virgin. As you can see from the responses - it is not uncommon (it's just that maybe people don't immediately declare it in public) and nothing to be ashamed of. It is certainly not the oddity that you may think.

If a lack of confidence is effecting your life remember that most of us are somewhat self-conscious in one way or another. No-one is born naturally with an over-abundance of confidence - it's a learned behaviour in some respects. And it's comforting to know that even the most outwardly self-confident person won't feel 100% sure of themselves all the time.

There are loads of articles on TheSite on:
Boosting your confidence
Boosting your social life
Also, eating well can make people feel better physically and this can have an effect on mental wellbeing - check out the Food and Mood website.

You may want take up some of the advise from other users and see your doctor (GP) will be able to discuss the medical and talking treatment options available. If you're really unhappy about visiting your current GP you could also consider changing doctors.

Your may find it useful to talk to a professional counsellor about the way you are feeling. You can get details of local youth information, advice and counselling services by contacting Youth Access on 020 8772 9900

If you feel uncomfortable talking to your parents or friends, you might like to consider talking in confidence to SANELINE on 0845 767 8000. You can talk through any feelings and worries you have with them.