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Would a break from him be a good idea?
BillieTheBot
Posts: 8,721 Bot
There's someone I'm really close to, however he's acting very odd towards me. (When I say 'odd', I mean he's very quiet and seems to be very distant) I'm also finding it very hard to start a conversation with him. It's been like this for far too long now. It all started around October last year when I mentioned something to him about me finding it hard for me to be around him - he asked me why. My reaction to his question was to ignore him and log off MSN - this was because I didn't really want an argument with him (we've had a few before and I'm always the one who ends up in tears) and a few days later, I sent him a letter to explain what exactly was wrong. He mentioned this letter to me which I asked him not to, so I decided to ignore what he'd just said and carried on telling him whatever it was that I was in the middle of saying. (he'd always do this to me as well)
I went through the same phase with him in December and wondered whether it was worth me saying in contact with him at all. I was ok after this for about a month and now it's becoming hard again. And I know I'm wasting my time saying any of this to him because we'll either argue or he'll ignore whatever it is I try to tell him and he can't do anything about this. (The problem here being is that, ages ago I told him that I fancied him and he was very quiet with me when I told him. )
The thing is, we've had breaks from each other before (whether it's because he's too busy or it doesn't feel alright me being around him) and they've never actually worked - that is, I always want to talk to him. Then whenever after I've decided that I'm ok to talk to him again, it doesn't last very long. And most of the time, I pretend that everything's alright.
I went through the same phase with him in December and wondered whether it was worth me saying in contact with him at all. I was ok after this for about a month and now it's becoming hard again. And I know I'm wasting my time saying any of this to him because we'll either argue or he'll ignore whatever it is I try to tell him and he can't do anything about this. (The problem here being is that, ages ago I told him that I fancied him and he was very quiet with me when I told him. )
The thing is, we've had breaks from each other before (whether it's because he's too busy or it doesn't feel alright me being around him) and they've never actually worked - that is, I always want to talk to him. Then whenever after I've decided that I'm ok to talk to him again, it doesn't last very long. And most of the time, I pretend that everything's alright.
Beep boop. I'm a bot.
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But I'm not the one who is never around and whenever he is, he's extremely quiet...
Discussion = argument, most of the time. (unless it's music or sport) and I knwo for a fact that he won't talk to me about this...
This sounds like a tricky situation, the kind which can take up a lot of our energy and prevent us from being happy or getting on with the things which really matter to us in life. From what you say, the thing that strikes me the most is that you don't necessarily want the same things from this friendship and that is causing you some pain. Only you can decide whether or not you will benefit from distancing yourself from this person so that you can spend more time on other friendships and or relationships which are based on more mutual understanding and wants. Perhaps you have an image of this guy of a person you want him to be rather than the person he actually is?
You mention that you fancy this friend and he went quiet when you told him. Perhaps that was a shock to him and he didn't know how to react. Sometimes when we tell a friend something like this and it's unrequited, then they are trying so hard not to hurt us, that they simply say nothing at all which can make the situation worse. Also it's quite a tough expectation to send someone a letter and expect them to not mention it. If there were issues in the letter that he wanted to talk about them it seems unfair to prevent him from doing so -and surely not a way to improve your relationship.
Finally, if you do decide that you simply 'want a break' it's probably not a good idea to actually formalise this as if you are boyfriend and girlfriend. Simply take some time out, but don't necessarily mention that's what you plan to do as it can sound dramatic and put pressure on the other person.
As I said, only you can truly decide whether or not this person is worth your time and energy, but in the meantime you might find it helpful to read these articles:
Fancied friend
Falling for a friend
Good luck
Someone actually said this to me a while back - they thought he'd gone quiet because he didn't know what to say to me. (someone else seems to think that he went quiet on me because all he wants to do is talk to me about music and football) Either he went quiet, or he's just talk far too much about other stuff - I was fine with this and it was what I wanted.
All he mentioned to me about the letter was that he'd got it and said nothing more about it. (Well, I had unintentionally changed the subject anyway, so he'd just gave me his thoughts on what I'd changed the subject to) I didn't actually prevent him from mentioning it - all I said to him was that I'd prefer it if he didn't mention any of this to me.
I do tend not to mention it to him anyway and he never asks where I've been anyway. (Well, he did once but that was because he'd planned to do something which he knew I'd like) Whenever I have mentioned to him that I think we need a break from each other, he'll just say nothing about it - even after I've decided that I want to talk to him again - he'll just act as though we were talking yesterday or something.
Also, is there any particular reason why I find it so hard to start conversations with him, then never shut up after 5 minutes or so?
Helen - thanks for those links, will have a look at them later.
Well what exactly is he doing wrong/whats the problem?
Yes, you read it correctly.
It's not like that - yes I DID ignore him when he asked me something, but I only did that because I had a feeling that it was going to turn into an argument.
That he's being weird with me and seems really sitant and quiet...