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Weird stuff

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

First off, this site is pretty good, I'm not an attention seeking nobody just using this site for fun, its actually really useful to me. I hope all you guys can help me out on this one actually.

Right. First off heres whats happened in the past few years. This might start to sound like another depression / self harm thing but its more complex than that I think, thats why I've opened a new thread.

I think it all started about 3/4 years ago. Previous to that I had a really good childhood - I have a good relationship with my parents, great friends (haha even if I say so myself :P) and I've had some fantastic opportunities (Living in Hong Kong and Quatar). Anyway a few years ago my grandad died of lung cancer. I really liked him but I've never really had a problem with death. It was sad at first and stuff but it felt ok pretty soon afterwards. A few months later I found out that my mum had cancer too. First of all it was a bit odd and I was upset (I found out on holiday... mmm nice lol) but I worked with it. Right, this is where it gets a bit strange. I masturbate. I'll admit that readily, but I started masturbating (as in came of age) a few months before my grandad died. Because this was new to me and it felt good, I immediatly put his death down to my actions in this department, because his death was bad and my orgasms were good. It doesnt make sense. It did at the time. Anyway, I stopped for a few weeks and then persuaded myself that it wasnt unlucky so I started again. When I found out about my mum I had been doing it again beforehand. I reformed the theory again, and I really believed it. Which is stupid I know. Anyway, this whole thing with cancer got pushed back in my mind because I knew that people suffer much more than me and I don't feel its right to complain when they are worse off than me. I was stressed and pissed off, I admit. I decided to try and relieve this stress by smoking a few joints. I had never done any drugs before and I though it may be a temporary fix. Put simply it wasnt and I didn't become addicted and waste alot of money. It was too light and slow so I decided to research stronger drugs and give them a shot. I came across myristicin, a chemical found in Nutmeg and Mace (The spices you get from a shop). They were far too strong and I became very unhappy. I would be out of action for a week after the 32 hour effect had worn off. The halloucinations made me very philosophical and reflective. I would walk back from school and not be able to walk on a certain path because I believed it wasnt there. I could see it but I knew it was just a hole. This put me off the whole topic of my mums cancer and I put it to the back of my mind. When she had to go to hospital to get a scan and do a biopsy it came back and it made me upset. It wasnt that fact that she was going to die that was scary. It was that she was sort of lingering for ages and she wasnt happy. It had an effect on the whole family - I was blamed for alot of stuff because she wasnt well. My dad would have a go at me simply because I was the only person who was old enough and not ill (my sister was about 9 then, shes 12 now). I wrote my mum off because I couldnt deal with the fact she was still alive and suffering. I ignored her and used to get quite angry with her in the hope that she would die quicker. Sometimes I actually thought about killing her myself. Its twisted and wrong on reflection, but its the truth. I lost all my self respect really. I didnt really care how I looked or what I did to myself. I would hurt myself because I could. I wasnt even upset when I did it, just bored or angry. I used to go out all night and pretend I was at a friends and sleep in bushes or in playing fields. It wasnt even fun and I didnt need to escape. I just did it because I felt like all the bad stuff that was happening wasnt as bad as some peoples so I had to make it worse.

One of the side effects of the myristicin I took was that I kept losing memory and concentration. This is still the case now. It's got alot better in the last few months though. Consequently my GCSEs wernt that good and I had to drop two A-Level courses at college. I went to see my GP and he put it down to stress. I got councilling but frankly it was a pile of shit. No help whatsoever.

I think that brings me just about up to date with now. I was just sitting here and I was listening to some happy music (some 80s rock I think haha) and I began to cut myself with a knife. It actually felt really good, like a rush. Does this make me a masochist? I don't find it sexually pleasing just like a good rush. Its odd, and I don't know what to do about it really. I'm just looking for some advice on the weird self harm / respect thing, and how fix my mind. I don't want it to work like that.

Thank you if you have taken the time to read that. I promise that it will be my longest post ever. I'm really sorry its like I'm moaning and I've given you all a very (too) detailed description. But, as I say, I'm bored and I don't know what to do. Any ideas on what to do or why I think like that. The weird thing is I can reflect on it. It's like I can analyse myself but can't change it.

Thanks again. Sorry for wasting a bit more of your time.



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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    welcome, my friend!
    Lawton wrote:
    I think that brings me just about up to date with now. I was just sitting here and I was listening to some happy music (some 80s rock I think haha) and I began to cut myself with a knife. It actually felt really good, like a rush. Does this make me a masochist?

    Holy crap, that whole thing was for this one question?
    Cutting yourself, in any situation, isn't good. as far as masochism goes, I don't think your intense enough for that title.

    I hear you about the mom having cancer and you wanting her gone though, my friends dad had a brain tumor and he had the same feelings
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First of all, welcome.
    Second of all, you're not wasting anyone's time - these boards are here for asking for help and advice and that's what you've done.

    It sounds like you've been through a lot. Coping with close relatives getting really ill is never easy but everyone deals with it differently - there's no right or wrong, but it's clear that your way of coping so far is causing you more harm than good.

    Have you ever sat down and spoken openly to your parents about all this? Chances are, they'd welcome you opening up the lines of communication. It won't be easy but pick a quiet time and try and get it out. You could always show them a print-out of this thread if you don't know how to get started.

    You'll find lots of people on here that have self harmed out of the same desperation as you. That's not to say it's OK to do it, rather that the feelings that have driven you to it aren't unusual. However, self harm can become quite addictive so it's really worth you trying to put an end to it now rather than letting it spiral.

    Here's our section on self harm that includes an article about stopping

    Also check out some of the links on this page - many of these organisations will be able to help.

    If you want to talk about any of the issues you've spoken about with someone in confidence try:

    Web: www.supportline.org.uk
    Tel: 020 8554 9004

    or Samaritans
    Web: www.samaritans.org.uk
    Tel: 08457 909090
    Email: jo@samaritans.org

    Cancerlink might also be good to talk to - they are for anyone affected by cancer, their families, friends, professionals.
    Web: www.cancerlink.org
    Tel: 08088 082 020

    Finally (and sorry to bombard you with so many links) you might want to wander over to this sticky thread about self harm - you'll find lots of people there who you can talk to.

    Take care and do stick around :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

    Thanks for all your help both of you. Its nice to hear some useful stuff come out of the internet. I'll go check those links / numbers out. You've been a great help.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    In my experience self harm comes from internalised feelings, it sounds to me like you have taken on all the terrible things that have happened to you in your life, rationalised them to make you feel as if they were less awful than they really were, and dealt with those feelings by punishing yourself.

    The fact that you feel you have or had to do things to justify feeling the way you did is very sad to hear. Obivously the way you have been feeling is completely justified, you need to understand that these things are hard to deal with especially when you are young and going through your teenage years. Many people don't experience a member of their family dying until they are at least in their twenties!

    Another thing with self harm is that you learn to deal with your feeling by doing certain things, cutting yourself, burning yourself, hitting things, whatever and it sounds like you have rationalised everything so much that even self harming has become a natural thing to do even when you are not upset.

    I'm sorry to hear that the councelling did not help, I had councelling and that made a big difference to my life. I learnt that I needed a deep understanding of what was happening to me and why, for me understanding why this happened and why I ended up dealing with things in certain ways seemed to help me move on!

    I'm not saying that this is the same for you, but you sound like a thinker, someone who is trying to get their head around what has happened in their life! If your councelling didn't help maybe it was the councellor or maybe you need a different method of help, but for your sake I think you should go back to your doctor and see what else can be offered to you. :)
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