An annoying guy, but he's nice

Former Member

One of my girlfriends best friends has really made life complicated for me over the past year or so. I mean, he hasnt done anything proactively, its all passive, which is why its frustrating. See, my girlfriend used to hang out with him loads (still does) and the two of them would go to the cinemas together... which I felt a bit weird about because a guy + a girl + going out to the cinema = date in most cases. But I didnt object. Then my girlfriend went on holiday recently, and I really felt it then, because she was texting and phoning him constantly, and only texted me 7 times (yes, im sad enough to count) and when she phoned me the one time she talked about him!

But anyway. It turns out, he's gay. I never thought they were up to anything intimate, but something which has concerned me was the possibility that my girlfriend has feelings for the guy, and being honest it makes me jealous and makes me feel threatened. Its old fashioned, but I want to be the guy in her life, not 'one of' the guys in her life. I mean, because Im having a bit of a moan, Im putting across my girlfriend in a bad light, she is incredible, the most caring, attentive, sensitive, sweet woman you could ever meet. She'd chop her own arm off if it made you smile.

But the other day, the old concerns resurfaced, my girlfriend was upset and after talking to her for about half hour (when she was trying to act ok, and you can tell shes not) she confessed, it was quite amusing really. Shes been having dreams about her friend, him being the boyfriend and her being the girlfriend. Nothing raunchy, just holding hands and cuddling and saying 'I love you' (but apparently whenever he spoke it was my voice).

But what concerned me, was that because of her dreams, shes now worried that she DOES have feelings for him, but she knows that she loves me. I asked her to think whether shes just a little confused, but its the little details she mentions that worry me, because I cant reassure her. Like, how she just wants to cuddle up to him and when she sees him cuddling other people, she gets jealous. She said "I dont want to be with him, but I dont want him to be with anyone else either".

I feel a little sorry for myself, though it hasnt annoyed me, Im just tense - I dont know if the next time Im going to see my girlfriend whether shes decided shes in love with this other guy but loves me too. What am I supposed to do? I know shes in a tricky situation herself because you cant help your feelings, but all I can do is reassure her Im here for her and Im not annoyed. On new years eve she doesnt know whether to spend it with me or with him (+ friends), and I dont know what to do.

I think the bottom line is shes confused about her feelings for this other guy, and confused about a lot of other things too as a result, and is talking to me for support, but it very much concerns me, and I dont know what to do. I cant tell her 'go for it' or anything, lol. And remember, the other guys gay. Sigh.

And hes always lovely to her too. (though I dont think he likes me )

What can I do? What would you do?

Former Member

but all I can do is reassure her Im here for her and Im not annoyed.

:no:

You'll fuck that up mate, sorry to say, because you are annoyed. Lying isn't going to help you here, you'll just look incongruent and dishonest.

Can I ask how you know he's gay? Does he have a boyfriend or have you just been told that?

I think the bottom line is shes confused about her feelings for this other guy

You can't do that much about her feelings, can you? So what I would do is just focus on what I wanted until she sorts herself out. i.e. I'd gently dump her, making my reasons clear and move on.

If she comes back around, then fine, if she doesn't it wouldn't have worked anyway and you are saving yourself painful messing about later on.

Or sleep with both of them, of course.

Former Member

tbh i think what you are describing does happen quite a bit. not that i'm minimizing it in any way. but feelings that you have for another person don't really mean anything unless you act on them. sometimes feeling that close to someone or even i guess having dreams like that about someone ~ may be its just a way for the mind to acknowledge the security and closeness of the relationship. may be from your gf point of view its hard for her to understand that you can be that close to a guy without taking it further. i say its good she's got such a solid friendship with him... but from your point of view, may be just acknowledging and accepting that would be a good idea. she obviously feels close enough to you if she feels she can talk to you about it. tbh i don't think you've got much to worry about; but if it is concerning you, talk to her some more about it.