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Falling apart

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I suffer from a horrible deppression in which things will be awful inside my head for a few months,then suddenly things will be ace and life will be great for a few months then the same thing happen and the cycle repeats itself.Ive suffered from this for many years and ive had help about it and i have learnt to cope with it in a sensible way.However as ive grown older the variation between these periods has become so huge that it affects me more and i struggle to cope with my down times.
At the moment im experiencing a pretty bad downer.Im self destructing and i dont have the energy anymore to get things back on track.Ive been with my boyfriend for 7/8 months.Since seeing him i have had [including the current] 2 periods of downerness.The last time i spoke quite heavily about us not being together because i couldnt cope with things etc etc.However we got past that and we were great for a few months.
However this time ive thought alot about our relationship and whether we should be together.
The thing is this.I dont know how much longer i will carry onto have these periods of elevation and then deppression.I feel its unfair on him because of how random my moods can be when im down.I pretty much know i treat him liek shit and that in turn makes me feel like shit.I'll push him away and then in the next instant il cling onto him like theirs no tommorow.My behaviour is so fluxuating that its unnerving.At present i snap at him and cant bear him to touch me or kiss me.Sex has gone by the wayside.Yet im constantly asking if hes going to leave me etc etc.And other snivvleing woman things.Yes i know its a self fufilling prophecy.
I am so incredibaly in love with him that it scares the shit out me.Ive never felt this way about anyone befor and i can totally picture him in my future.Im only 19 yet ive never been more certain about the way i feel for him.But im scared incase he walks away from me.And i know inevitably he will because of my moods.
I feel like ending it because i cant face that hurt and i know il end up hurting him.Im so confused right now.
Hes going to end up resenting me,if he doesnt already.
What should i do?


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