Home life.

Former Member

I live in a house with my twin sister, my mum, and my stepdad (and two dogs and two cats, but that is of little relevance). When we first moved here my mum and my stepdad used to have huge arguments, which occasionally resulted in my mum walking out. There were times when my mum would be in floods of tears. Gradually this reduced and it came to a point where it was rare that they argued.

But recently, say in the last few months or so, my mum and my stepdad have started arguing again, not to the extent as it got before, but I can see it getting that bad again. My stepdad is...miserable. Really miserable. And he has a very short temper. But he's been controlling it, until now when he's started getting more and more miserable and my mum's just getting annoyed. I was talking to my mum on Monday and I asked her what she would do if it got to the extent that it used to do, and she said she didn't know. I think it's really upsetting her, and I don't like it. She's said before now that she hates her life because both me and my sister don't really communicate with our stepdad because it's so difficult, and when we try we generally get snapped at. On Mother's Day, for example, he shouted at my sister for being ungrateful (having not eaten the dinner we made for him and having done nothing all day), and she started crying and walked out of the house.

My mum has said that she doesn't really love my stepdad anymore, except for on the rare occasions that he's in a good mood. He barely does anything around the house and yet complains that we don't either. He just sits on his computer all day every day, and it's really upsetting my mum as I said. Because of this my mum sits on her own every night, and when either me or my sister try and come to sit with her he does as well because he doesn't like us having more of her attention than he gets.

It's starting to really get me down because I feel like I can't bring my friends into my house in case they feel weird because he just doesn't talk to them. I feel like I can't talk when I'm around him and I don't like that. My sister has always been hell bent on splitting my mum and him up because she's always hated him so I know she probably feels the same.

I'm not sure why I wrote all this. I guess just to let it out. Blah. Sorry about length. Any advice would be appreciated.

Franki x

Former Member

I've never been in this situation but I'll try my best to help or listen

Obviously you feel responsible for your mum's welfare, I think you're about my age (19/20?) but your mum is a grown woman and if she doesn't love your stepdad unless he's "in a good mood" then I don't think that counts as loving him at all. Which leads us to believe that maybe it would be best if they went their seperate ways...the best thing you can do for your mum is be supportive and let her know you back up any decisions she makes 100%. You say he has a short temper- would he ever be violent towards you or anyone in your family?

Your mum needs to know she's worth more than that.

Sorry if that didnt help xx

Former Member

why is your mother still with this guy? Does she feel trapped by him, like she is scared of what he'll do if she leaves him?

There is little point in her being in a dead-end relationship. I think you just need to let your mum know that both you and your sister care about her etc. and will support her no matter what happens. Explain to her that you don't like seeing her like she is (when she is upset over him).

At the end of the day, I don't think you and your sister will be able to convince your mum to get rid of this guy, it's her choice. Just make sure she is aware that you support her.

Former Member

I should make the point that my mum kind of has...no money. I know that's a stupid reason for not leaving him, but she really doesn't. She can't kick him out because it's half his house.

Blah, I dunno. I guess she does love him, but she hates him a lot sometimes. Ah well.

Former Member

*x*franki chicken*x* wrote:

I should make the point that my mum kind of has...no money. I know that's a stupid reason for not leaving him, but she really doesn't. She can't kick him out because it's half his house.

Blah, I dunno. I guess she does love him, but she hates him a lot sometimes. Ah well.

So she is essentially financially dependent on him? Sure, money is important and required to live, but you can't put a price on happiness. Do you think that maybe your mum wants to stay with him so she can support you and your sister financially?

Former Member

I think that may be part of it.

Btw - scytherchick, I don't think my stepdad would lash out at any of us, my mum has said that if he ever shouted at us (like proper shouting) she would leave him straight away. She also said the same thing about him shouting at Olive, but I dunno about her dogs now. But then again he has almost shouted at me before. Blah, I dunno.

Sighage.

Former Member

Hi. Sorry to hear about what's going on at your house at the moment - I can imagine how it would be upsetting for you. Do you know why your dad might be acting like this? Is he under pressure from his work or something else like that? Have you actually sat down as a family and discussed how this is making you all feel. Maybe your parents don't realise the effect their arguing is having on you and your sister and it is unfair to do this in front of you. I don't know how old you are but I would advise you talking face to face with someone about this because talking through your emotions always helps. Perhps explainn to your friends and they could help by taking you out if it ever gets too heated at home? I know it sounds trite but if you can possibly help it don't think about it too much especially when you're doing other things... Sorry I don't know what else to advise but I sympathise with you - I've been there before and it's not a nice feeling. If you want any more help just ask. Sorry i offer awful advice most of the time! Hope it get's better soon.

Former Member

i was in exactly the same situation as you at your age, my stepdad was a nasty abusive piece of work. in the end my mum chucked him out and met someone else and all was good. Hopefully it will all work out in the end with u too .

you aren't alone hun x

Former Member

i think also sometimes, when people get older, they worry about being alone and it's sometimes a 'safer' option to just stay with what you've got. if they've got along well in the past, then there's no reason why they can't again. maybe they're just going through a bad patch.