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What do I do? I liker alot but I hate being messed around.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey. Well I thought I'd tell you about this problem, hopefully get some feedback. Who knows it may help.
So there was this girl last year, we got talking on the net first and msn, but she lived in my city. We both went to uni. We started phoning each other and it was cool. We met and we hit off instantly, that first meeting we were kissing and doing a little stuff and wanted to see each other again, but she was away for the time, back home so we couldnt see each other alot, we talked on the phone and I went to see her and we had a great day doing more stuff and it was great. The a week or 2 later she gets cold feet and decides to call it off with me. She likes me, said she was attracted to me but she just calls it off. She says stuff about not being ready for a relationship but nothing firm. Then I hear a few weeks after she has a new bf.
They are together for a year and she is into him but I still try and keep in touch with her coz I like her. So a bit back I txt her, asking what I can do to get her back. She txts back saying her bf has dumped her and she is in a bit of a mess at the mo. But she deiceds to let me talk to her by txt and we have been txting for weeks. She is back in my home city now and lives here permantly. I finally convinced her to see me and last night we went for a drink.
It was cool, she was a bit late but it was good. She looked great and we laughed and talked. I was keeping it friendly coz she said b4 it was a just a drink and didn't mean owt like and she still wasnt ready for any guy. It did eventully lead round to relationshsips and her situation. I didnt bring up the ex but he was mentioned a few times, as the ex. And she is following the sex and the city idea, you need half the time you were with some1 to get over them, so they were together for a year, she needs 6 months, she ha s4 months left she says. She reckons it worked last time but thats bull coz she was with her other main guy 2 years and after him she had 1 nighters and a bf in that time, plus me, and then a few weeks after me the current ex. Then she was ready but not the few weeks before with me? Anyway, I don't mind taking it slow and waiting a bit but she reckons she has 4 months left before she will be ready but because she works now, busy all the time she goes out on weekend s with her friends to to bars and clubs, drinking and all that and I know what will happen. I know after a few weeks, the needs will kick in, physical, emotional whatever and when the drink flows, she will pull some guy that chats her up and then he will be the new bf and I will be nothing again.
Last night went great I thought until the end when she was tired so she wanted to leave which was ok but she wouldn't let me walk her to her bus stop, I said it was just a safety thing but she said no and she wouldnt hug me. She eventully let me kiss her cheek. And we said we'd txt at the bus stop, on bus and when we reached home. I got to my bus stop and txt saying I had enjoyed myself and I hope I didn't bore or annoy her and she txt back saying she was on the bus and would txt when she got home but thats it. I got home and no txt so I txt her and she said she was home ok and speak to me soon. I guess she was tired so I said ok, sweet dreams and did you have a good time tonight? or did you enjoy urself or was tonight good, something like that but no reply at all.
I'm half expecting her to say she doesn't wanna see me again. Also that damn ex of hers took her to paris, that was my idea. when we were together I said I'd take her to paris and now thats out.
I am a realy decent guy, and I wouldn't hurt her at all but I just feel that it isnt enough and it never is. Being a good guy aint enough and it sucks. I dont know what to do, to plead my case or leave it or what. I really like her tho and I'd hate to lose her.
So there was this girl last year, we got talking on the net first and msn, but she lived in my city. We both went to uni. We started phoning each other and it was cool. We met and we hit off instantly, that first meeting we were kissing and doing a little stuff and wanted to see each other again, but she was away for the time, back home so we couldnt see each other alot, we talked on the phone and I went to see her and we had a great day doing more stuff and it was great. The a week or 2 later she gets cold feet and decides to call it off with me. She likes me, said she was attracted to me but she just calls it off. She says stuff about not being ready for a relationship but nothing firm. Then I hear a few weeks after she has a new bf.
They are together for a year and she is into him but I still try and keep in touch with her coz I like her. So a bit back I txt her, asking what I can do to get her back. She txts back saying her bf has dumped her and she is in a bit of a mess at the mo. But she deiceds to let me talk to her by txt and we have been txting for weeks. She is back in my home city now and lives here permantly. I finally convinced her to see me and last night we went for a drink.
It was cool, she was a bit late but it was good. She looked great and we laughed and talked. I was keeping it friendly coz she said b4 it was a just a drink and didn't mean owt like and she still wasnt ready for any guy. It did eventully lead round to relationshsips and her situation. I didnt bring up the ex but he was mentioned a few times, as the ex. And she is following the sex and the city idea, you need half the time you were with some1 to get over them, so they were together for a year, she needs 6 months, she ha s4 months left she says. She reckons it worked last time but thats bull coz she was with her other main guy 2 years and after him she had 1 nighters and a bf in that time, plus me, and then a few weeks after me the current ex. Then she was ready but not the few weeks before with me? Anyway, I don't mind taking it slow and waiting a bit but she reckons she has 4 months left before she will be ready but because she works now, busy all the time she goes out on weekend s with her friends to to bars and clubs, drinking and all that and I know what will happen. I know after a few weeks, the needs will kick in, physical, emotional whatever and when the drink flows, she will pull some guy that chats her up and then he will be the new bf and I will be nothing again.
Last night went great I thought until the end when she was tired so she wanted to leave which was ok but she wouldn't let me walk her to her bus stop, I said it was just a safety thing but she said no and she wouldnt hug me. She eventully let me kiss her cheek. And we said we'd txt at the bus stop, on bus and when we reached home. I got to my bus stop and txt saying I had enjoyed myself and I hope I didn't bore or annoy her and she txt back saying she was on the bus and would txt when she got home but thats it. I got home and no txt so I txt her and she said she was home ok and speak to me soon. I guess she was tired so I said ok, sweet dreams and did you have a good time tonight? or did you enjoy urself or was tonight good, something like that but no reply at all.
I'm half expecting her to say she doesn't wanna see me again. Also that damn ex of hers took her to paris, that was my idea. when we were together I said I'd take her to paris and now thats out.
I am a realy decent guy, and I wouldn't hurt her at all but I just feel that it isnt enough and it never is. Being a good guy aint enough and it sucks. I dont know what to do, to plead my case or leave it or what. I really like her tho and I'd hate to lose her.
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dude my gut instinct says leave it.......how long has she been messing you around now? you are just backup for when things go wrong, i was in a similar situation a few years ago, took me way too long to realise what was going on......i know it's hard to walk away when you like someone a lot, you have to ask yourself if they like you as much.......if she really likes you you shouldn't have to be the one making the moves all the time......i'm currently testing this strategy on another girl, only time will tell.....stay in touch for sure, but don't go out of your way to please her......but hey that's just my opinion.
You shouldn't dedicate yourself to this girl no matter how strong your feelings. This persistant feelings of doubt should be a sign that things aren't going to proceed with this girl how would like them to...It's hard to accept these things but once you have hopefully it easier to move on. I escaped this vicious circle by simply breaking contact for a few months (I was honest and told her why). We're friends now but I don't let my feelings/thoughts get carried away anymore
I just seem to be drawn to girls with isees though, I mean she had issuses the first time with her ex and stuff and they always seem to hurt themselves, not self harming I mean but going with bad guys and stuff like that. Guys that cheat and dump them and such like, whereas I wouldnt be a bad guy but I never get the chance to prove myself.
And its annoying also coz it wasnt so long agao I was talking to several girls who had things with there ex's, liek they were together but not offically or had a fuck buddy deal going on or were great friends. I just never seem to get anything good or normal like evryone else does.
As for finding a "normal girl"...Girls who have some dating experience will always have a "past" and obviously all girls will deal with it differently. If you're not meeting the right girls, you need to meet different ones (maybe in different places - not just over the Internet).
tell me where to find the girls coz I am stuck right now.
Isle 4 next to the bagles. There is a coupon in the paper buy one get one 50% off this week.
Anyway she asked me out for a drink, and said she was mor eok now with seeing me. She did mention she had seen her ex with his new gf though.
We went out for a drink and it was all good, laughs, a few drinks and that but once again she wouldnt let me walk her to her bus/train and wouldnt let me hug her and since then I dodnt know, she has txt but its bee brief and stuff and sometimes she said she didnt get my txts and it took her a bit to reply to if she enjoyed the night. She said was nice and that. I txt her last night asking if she wnated to do it again, maybe summat different andno rpely. I txt her this morning not mentioning that but asking her how she was (coz she said she wa sill yesterday) and how work was. I get no reply for ages then she txts saying work was ok and she has a driving lessopn now so will have to txt later. She said she'd txt the night we went out the next day but she didn't.
I don't know know what to do or think. I wanna tak eit slow anyway nut I dont get why she cant take one minute to txt me or if my txts even reach her. I dont know.
there's only one way to find out.
Her actions show a complete lack of respect for you, and your feelings. I'd suggest not contacting her again, otherwise the cycle is going to continue and you'll be miserable.
I could of course be wrong, but I've seen it happen to a friend of mine more times than I'd care to think about. You've got to learn to be more assertive. And whilst it's all well and good being led by your heart, it's not always right.
I apologise if my words seem harsh, but sometimes that's what people need to get them out of a rut.
I get what your saying and have those suspecisions myself, even though I don't liek being called a big softie.
What if it isn't true and I ditch her when she was ready to be with me? I dont wanna seem harsh and cruel. I don't wanna be a doormat either.
its so confusing.
hehe, I'd rather be a big softie than an asshole, lets put it like that.
she replied but it was a reply to my first tx, not the pull one and we were having a convo on that line and then she said she wouldnt asnwer that question and I was like what question and she said the pulling one and that she was out pulling.
I replied a bit irate since she told me she wasn't gonna do anything with guys for ages plus we went out on a date on wednesday, now she said it was a date not me and she said she enjoyed it. She also told me b4 she doesnt want people treating her badly and stuff. Well I am a ncie guy and she knows that but if you go out ont he oull, what are the majority there for? a pull an dnowt else. Try and get as far as they can with you and thats it so its hardly mixing with people treating you right is it?
thing is after that tx, she txt back seemingly like shehadnt said she was pulling. She was asking what I was on about and she was going out with her friends nowt else. I have txt a few times to explain myself and say what I meant and that, sent an email to.
I just reckon if she gave me a real chance it would work. A proper date. I mean I think she is attracted to me but didnt wann rush owt on wednesday, its like she knew if we hugged or owt it might lead to summat more, I could see it in her.
I just don't get it at all and if she does ditchme for good I'm fucked coz I have nto seen any real genuine nice guys get a girla nd it seemingly not what girls wnat either and I just cant be this boozy arsehole sterptypical male or this older rich guy that girls seem to want.
I just dont know. I'm a nice guy and I just can't find a girl my age to be with. No girls or older then me, are into me. I despair sometimes.
I'm sorry.
She's obviosuly hurt that she broke up with a guy she did want, she was dumped, and that hes met someone else first, she feels like shit about it, and youre there giving her attention and praise, telling her how much you like her, and youre making her feel better about herself. But its not you she wants, maybe she doesnt want him back either but shes free and single and could certainly have you, so why hasnt she?
I feel terrible saying this but i have experience of it from both sides, when i was dumped by someone a while ago i met a new guy by accident and didnt fancy him at all, totally not my type but he fancied me, and text me a lot and made an effort to talk to me, and i used him. At the same time i was desperate to get the ex back and did to him what youre doing to her, i chased him, text him, hung on for replies that never came....it got me no where and i hjad to face up to the situation in was in.
Thats what you need to do.
Stop texting her, she doesnt deserve the attention and is being cruel by leading you on, but she wont be blunt and straight with you because she doesnt want to loose her back up, have some pride and move on past her, dont let her have the power.
It really sucks to be used that way and it makes me down on mysel feven more coz its like "whats wrong with me?" I mean I know faults I have but they arent so obvious to her and others so why am I alone again.
It means I have to start again and I dont do the pulling thing well if at all and that means other opportunites and there ar eno friends of friends or suisters of friends and that, all those contacts are none and so I have to wait till I start work and then its like what if that fucks up and I have to work with people that dont like me now or whatever. Thats if even get ajob at this rate.
I just hate the falsehood.Its like you hear girls say they want a nice guy, they go for the arsehole, they say tthey want relationships yet have one nigth stands and reject any guy that wants a relationship, they say they want a caring unselfish guy in the bedroom and then demand no foreplay and want a hard bang and thats it. Everything they say they want, they actually want the opposite and it is so mind crackingly frustrating.
For the record, I ain't at uni.
She was being polite, for goodness sake. She doesn't fancy you, but it's not really the sort of thing to say on a date, so she was tactful. If you are too blind to get the hint then it's not her fault.
She doesn't fancy you. She may like you as a friend, but not if you keep texting her on "how to win her back". You have to walk away and put it down to experience. Stalking her won't win her back, it'll just win you an injunction.
If you think being nice means that the girls should be falling at your feet then you will never find anyone. Nice is a default, it is nothing special, it is not something that entitles you to anything.
Nice is boring. You need to be nice as a starting point, but you need to show your other qualities off- your humour, your tact, your empathy, all the qualities that make you you. I'm nice, you're nice, everyone is nice- nice is nothing, nice is standard. It's like advertising a car by saying it has wheels.
You don't need to be a bastard to be attractive. But you do need to be more than "nice"- you need to be you. You need to be who you want to be, and act how you want to act. Don't fall over at people's feet to win them, because that doesn't work. Telling a girl to fuck off if she's being a nob is just as attractive as the red roses and weekends away.
If you are going to mope that nobody loves then nobody will love you. If you seriously think that being nice entitles you to anything then you are deluded. Stop moaning, get some backbone, and grow up.
I mean by nice that I am not a bastard. I mean that I am not thinking about fucking every girl I see or how to get them in bed, what lies I can tell to crew them. I mean I am not planning on bedding a smany women as I can before I die. I mean I'm not getting with girls then cheating on them. I mean I am not treating them like shit all the time. I mean I am not an insensitive pig.
Of course I have humour, I made her laugh loads for a start, of course I have other qualities. I'm also smart, empathetic, humerous, sensitive, knowledgable, have my own opinions, creative, tall. I have all that.
I dont expect peopel to fall at me feet nor me fall at theirs. I just expect a decent chance and people to be honest and straight with me. I expect the good to be rewarded. I know thats naive and its not liek this is my first every girl or owt.
I try, I have tried again and again. It just gets too much sometimes and that spills onto this message board ok?
She probably just wants to be young, free and single. And she doesn't fancy you. If she's still talking to you then she probably likes you as a friend, but nothing more.
And that gives you entitlement to a girlfriend why, exactly?
You aren't entitled to anything, life doesn't work like that. Not being a bastard doesn't mean that girls should throw themselves at your feet; it doesn't even mean they should notice you.
Well done for being nice. Doesn't mean diddly-squat though, you need to be more than just nice. You need to be you, and you need to have the confidence to be you.
All that, I hasten to add, doesn't mean that only bastards get women. Because that ain't true either.
Well done.
Doesn't mean she has to fancy you though. Other girls will, if you give them the chance to.
I'm not being nasty to you, I just think you are feeling that you are entitled to things simply because you're "nice" and "good".
And that isn't how life works. If you feel that the world owes you a wife because you are nice to women then you aren't just naive, you're deluded. The world doesn't work like that.
If you sit and whinge about how nobody fancies you then nobody will fancy you. That is how life is.
If you sit and wait for girls to make the first move then you'll be sitting and waiting for a very long time, in most cases. It's hard to move from being friends to being lovers, its hard to get the timing right, but you have to be flirty and take the initiative.