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Somebody wants me permanently!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
Can i share with you as I can't with my family and friends just yet (too soon they will all say!) My chappie asked me to marry him. How sweet and wow, me engaged is sort of unexpected but part of lifes next big step I guess. Trouble is my cynical side says he will change his mind or I will see it as just being engaged-its not being married!

No I have grown up alot and I do wanna spend my life with him. The reason I can't tell people is we have only been together....4 months. Yup thats all. So even though I wouldn't marry him for at least two years, I don't think my family and friends will see it that way. Even though he has been the fave out of any blokes I've ever been out with. I am actually scared to tell my mom and dad incase it does all end in tears.

My best mate has been engaged to her bloke for two years-they don't tell their family as they have an interracial relationship with rather racist families BUT I don't have that excuse-should I do the right thing and tell my family even though everyone will laugh at me? Or should I keep it secret as it doesn't feel right telling them?

I'm nearly 24 so its not I'm young and naive-just worried about what they would say. Advice please (whether its good or bad, I will listen!)

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do what you want, but at 24 they should realise that you have a life of your own. You're old enough to make your own mind up.

    Sounds like you're not sure though. Did you discuss marriage before he proposed or was it out of the blue?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ach they will find out sooner or later.
    Better to hear it from you than hear it thru the grapevine.
    Congratulations and good luck incidently :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'd thought about it on my own but it was out of the blue (and it was soooo awful how he did it! I was in the bath-it was a text message-and it gets worse, an abbreviated one)

    still i can't knock him for spontaneaity (I can't spell that!!)

    Actually I did mention getting eternity rings around xmas time when he mentioned he would propose then so yes he had sort of mentioned it and we've got our plans to move in. He said me going on hol for a couple of weeks made him realise how much he wants to be with me and he was deadly serious.

    I think I'm scared of rejection when commiting as being dumped as a girlfriend is one thing, being a divorcee is another! I just don't want to rush anymore and make sure its all right before I tell the people who would have to pick up the pieces. But they would all be upset if they found out I'd lied and not told them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He proposed by text message?

    Give yourself some thinking time before committing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    cheers theindiekid! I'm in a miserable mood anyway as he went home tonight and I'm feeling all blue (which is why I am on here to catch up on all the posts!) so if my post seems a lil bit down thats why! I was so amazingly happy when he asked-just scared too!


    He's got me the ring I wanted though-least I got to choose which is so cool! Its so pretty and not at all bling or nasty-its even from a small independent shop in scotland! I'm very proud of my choice!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kentish wrote:
    He proposed by text message?

    Give yourself some thinking time before committing.


    lol yes-imagine telling the grandkids that romantic story, can I add I was listening to my chemical romance and reading a trashy mag at the time! I beat flippin jordan in the sadness stakes of this!

    No he did it properly when he was up here (down on one knee and everything) in the surroundings of one of my fave places-he has renewed himself somewhat.

    I am going to make sure he doesn't rush anymore-not just for me but for him too. I don't want him to think he has o way out if he does change his mind.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    if he abbreviated it, are you sure thats what he asked?

    wl u mry m?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    if he abbreviated it, are you sure thats what he asked?

    wl u mry m?

    haha yeah.

    Oh, and did you reply via text or to his face? or haven't you yet?

    If you want to get engaged then do it, you are old enough to make your own decisions. If you think it is a bit soon then wait a while, don't rush into things if you don't feel ready to.

    Good luck all the same.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it is lovely and flattering when someone wants to marry you, but be careful, and never never forget...............................................
    that marriage is a complete waste of time, not worth the paper its written on, and if they want to leave you they still will, this just makes it more horrible and complicated.

    Not that im bitter
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ok, grandma time:

    yes, you're old enough to make your own decisions. yes he might be lovely and 'the one' and you might be together all your lives. but 4 months? i've thought everyone i've been with is the bees knees at that point. in some cases it too a couple of years before i realised they were actually a waste of space.

    i'd wait, personally. it's not like if you don't get engaged now, you never can.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    kaffrin wrote:
    ok, grandma time:

    yes, you're old enough to make your own decisions. yes he might be lovely and 'the one' and you might be together all your lives. but 4 months? i've thought everyone i've been with is the bees knees at that point. in some cases it too a couple of years before i realised they were actually a waste of space.

    i'd wait, personally. it's not like if you don't get engaged now, you never can.

    Ahh, thank you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We got engaged after six months, and in hindsight it was a bit rushed. Not that it made any difference to us, but just be warned.

    There's no rush.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You really need to be sure that you get married for the right reasons and not just to the person you happen to be with at the age you kind of think it's normal to get married which is what a lot of people do.

    And Kaff is right, the honeymoon, head over heels in love phase can last some time, maybe a year or two. After that is crunch time, when you really have to decide whether, hey, it's been fun (we hope) but this really isn't the person for me, or whether your lives and hearts are so inextricably entwined that it's inconceivable that you should ever be apart. Cause marriage is bloody hard work sometimes, let me tell you. It's hard enough when the latter is the case, but if there's even a hint of it being anything else, then hey. It's really not fun. It might all seem very romantic at the moment but nothing could be further from romantic than being stuck in a lousy marriage, and a divorce is a pretty horrendous thing to go through.

    If you were my good friend (IRL) I'd say look, I want you to be happy but I think you're rushing things a bit. Of course the choice is yours, ultimately, but be careful. And if you do get engaged, I think you'd be wise to make it a long one, because you need more time to get to really, REALLY know this bloke.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i know 2 people aged 21 who've been together 2yrs, they've just got marrired, have lived together all their relationship and got engaged after 4 months! it can work, but do you want it to? you seem unsure?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Woah so many replies thank you!

    He said wymm and I said "what?" about five times before he said what it was! I thought he's turned off his auto spelling or something. He did it properly and I have said yes BUT i have told him it will be at least two years before anything else. I have debts to clear, i want to be financially secure, I want to be living with him for a year at least aswell so we can see if we truly are compatible.

    Do you think really I should have not been so oh wow and not accepted-my kinda view was, well engaged is one thing, married is another. The honeymoon period thing-yes I worry thats why he has asked and although it runs in his family (his uncle asked his aunt after two weeks) I am woried about it being too soon.

    I'm not too concerned about it being the right age as I hadn't planned to be settled with someone til I was older and secure financially-another stereotypical thing I had planned in my grand scheme of life! I mean it is nice to have someone serious and I have actually never been so serious about a guy for so long-possibly a bad indictaor possibly a good. I mean most relationships have fallen as I have lost interest after a few weeks or the ones I wanted dumped me! I never made it past the 4 month mark with anyone (apart from a non existant relationship I dragged out so as not to dump someone at the wrong time-longstory)

    I mean is it really too bad being engaged for years on end anyway? I mean I could quite happily wait for 5 years! I think that time will tell and if I keep this schtumm and he (or me?) changes our minds, it will be easier on both parties.

    I do appreciate the reality check guys, its making me realise things thanks!


    AND rainbow brite-I think you summed it up best, maybe actually getting married is a waste of time-I can use the money I would spend in the future on such a do on something else!! Like anice hol (hmm now I'm talking..)

    Again thanks guys, I need this off you guys as you are honest and friends will be too influenced by stuff to say things to me or I'd be upset at them laughing!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jowolvo wrote:
    I mean is it really too bad being engaged for years on end anyway? I mean I could quite happily wait for 5 years! I think that time will tell and if I keep this schtumm and he (or me?) changes our minds, it will be easier on both parties.

    Well I think what you have to ask yourself is, if you have to keep it so quiet is there any point in actually being engaged?

    There's nothing wrong with a long engagement, I think it would be wise not to get married too quickly. What can happen, though, is that because you've been engaged so long and it's kind of expected that you'll get married, that you might do it anyway even if you have doubts and get cold feet about the whole relationship. So watch out for that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jowolvo wrote:
    engaged is one thing, married is another.

    not really, though. engaged should be the same kind of deal. getting engaged means 'i WILL marry you'. it bothers me when people get engaged and aren't planning to marry, or are planning to stay engaged for ages. what's the point? you can still be together if you're not engaged.
    I never made it past the 4 month mark with anyone

    Long term (1 year+) relationships are very different to short term ones. In comparison they can seem like they're a little bit boring, but if you're with the right person, they're loads, loads better. If I were you (and I'm not, so feel free to ignore me) I would see how you deal with a long term relationship without committing yourself to anything. They can take a bit of getting used to.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jowolvo wrote:

    BUT i have told him it will be at least two years before anything else. I have debts to clear, i want to be financially secure, I want to be living with him for a year at least aswell so we can see if we truly are compatible.


    so why get engaged before you know if you're compatible or not?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We got engaged at 6 months but have not rushed into getting married, maybe you could do that?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hmm I think I should have said no by the looks of all these things now!! I will marry him if we make it and I can't ay if we will as I am a very doubting person-you know like why does this guy really wanna be with me! Silly thoughts mean I think that way.



    I shall see how it goes on. See these questions are al the same types my friedns and family will ask and as I can;t really answer everyone by saying some cliche like we love eachother, I can't really make it public


    But hey who knows what will happen, hopefully it will have been the right choice but I can't predict the future.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    so why get engaged before you know if you're compatible or not?


    I dunno my mom and dad never lived together before they were married-I mean thats more of a recent thing anyway but i do want to live with him properly before we marry bvecuase I do see that as important-I mean we seem to be ok living together short periods of time but thats not the same as months and years. Thats what I meant but i can see your point yeh.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm in the long courtship, short engagement camp. Of course, until they change the law I'm unlikely to get married any time soon....
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