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When he says I love you first...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
How do people deal with this? :nervous:
I've been with my boyfriend now for nearly 5 months. We had issues at the beginning because I saw him as too clingy and a little intense in such a short period of time. He's an absoloute darling, but I'm not sure if I do really love him or not, but am saying it to him on a regular basis because to do otherwise would cause arguments and confidence damage on his part. Is there a more gentle way of easing into this subject? I know I should be less of a coward and say it, but sometimes I do think I feel the same way and thats where it gets muddled. :banghead: When he first broached the subject I told him I didnt feel that strongly yet, but now its on a more regular basis and it's making me nervous. I don't want to hurt him... but knowing he's more serious about me than I am him is worrying me. Although I could just be attempting to protect myself from getting hurt and not allowing myself to feel this way? Dialemma! :crazyeyes
I've been with my boyfriend now for nearly 5 months. We had issues at the beginning because I saw him as too clingy and a little intense in such a short period of time. He's an absoloute darling, but I'm not sure if I do really love him or not, but am saying it to him on a regular basis because to do otherwise would cause arguments and confidence damage on his part. Is there a more gentle way of easing into this subject? I know I should be less of a coward and say it, but sometimes I do think I feel the same way and thats where it gets muddled. :banghead: When he first broached the subject I told him I didnt feel that strongly yet, but now its on a more regular basis and it's making me nervous. I don't want to hurt him... but knowing he's more serious about me than I am him is worrying me. Although I could just be attempting to protect myself from getting hurt and not allowing myself to feel this way? Dialemma! :crazyeyes
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Comments
Don't let him corner you.
lol you see I know this, and I think he knows this too. My reasoning is that I'm the first person he's felt this strongly about.... and that by saying I Love You to me, it's his way of expressing it?
Ah I dont know. It's a bloody mine field. I do care for him, but you're right. I don't think you can have love in 5 months, I just don't want to hurt him
I think it'd hurt more knowing you lied just to save face, petal.
And I also think it's great he loves you so much. He's showing potential that you can get "there". But by "there" I mean loving the good, the bad, the ugly. I think he "loves" the good/honeymoon stage more than anything.
you might not be able to. but you can get it in 5 months
Lol he is cute, its adorable how much he cares, just smothering at times. Its been hard over the summer because its been long distance, but back at uni it should be easier and hopefully he'll be more secure. I'm just a coward! But I think your right, the honeymoon bit is always the easiest, its gonna be a test particularly (if we're still together) of graduation next year! arh!
My ex lied and said he loved me when he didn't really and it definitely hurt when I realised, plus it made me a lot more wary.
I disagree.
Yes you can.
In answer to the original post, don't tell him you love him because he told you that he loved you. You will know when you are in love and no-one can tell you when/if that will happen.
If you are saying this:
I think it is a clear indication that you don't really love him. You can't lead him on by telling him that you do over and over. At the same time, don't just say it because you he is telling you he loves you. Don't feel pressurized to do so.
Take the relationship at your own pace and don't go any quicker than you want to. Cliched as it sounds, you are still young and there is no real rush.
I suppose it depends on how much of an emphasis you put on the word "love". For me, falling in love isn't something that happens with every boyfriend or whatever. It is a special thing. And it has a lot of significance. It is a term that is thrown about willy nilly at the moment, which I think is wrong as I think that some people can't tell the difference between love and lust.
But then again, maybe I am old fashioned in my beliefs.
Maybe but I think there are so many different types of love. I dont think anyone should be judged for how they feel. And as for people who just say it out of lust, thats just stupid and unfortunately the other person usually falls for it. But the term itself shouldn't be made a taboo.
I am not judging how people feel as yes, I agree that there are different types of love. But love means a lot more to some people than others. I find it sad when people mix the 2 up and say that they are in love with someone but they aren't really, but that is the way of the world.
I would never tell someone that I loved them unless I was totally sure about it. It is not fair on the other person.
However, I still believe that the term is bandied far too readily. And, sadly tbh, I think this thread is a good example of that.
But you don't even know the guy!
Nonsense. I know people who have become engaged after a matter of weeks and do love each other. If you don't love someone after 5 months, I don't see how that's gonna change?!
If you then speak to them, get to know them a bit and get some good vibes going (and straight away they are like you imagined) - then I guess that's when people claim it was love at first sight.
Utter crap!
I knew i was in love with my boyfriend after only 2 months.I knew absolutly that i loved him but that didnt stop me getting really nervous about telling him this.I mean what if he had turned round and laughed in my face?What if he didnt feel as strongly for me as i did for him.All normal worries.
You cant put ANY time scale on love.Its ridiculous to even contemplate that.Some people fall in love immeadiatly,for other it takes time and for some it never happens.
In relation to the original poster...
Do no tell him you love him if you dont.Its a sure fire way to break someones heart if and inevitably when they find out the truth.
:yes: i totally agree with what you said, i was exactly the same with my boyfriend. luckily he felt the same
i agree, I think the term is thrown about a little too lightly. But we practically lived together for the first 2 months of our relationship. We're at uni together, and in our second years, in town houses. Therefore, the intensity and intimacy level is a lot higher than your average dating twice a week for a month before it gets serious.
A lot to do with my worry over this is an attempt to protect myself. I've been hurt very badly in the past, by people that I completely opened up to and trusted. In my view, by saying those words and expressing that amount of feeling, you are opening yourself up to anything and everything. At the moment I'm just not sure I'm ready to let him in that far. I know he finds this difficult, but I need to be realistic. We're graduating next year, and live 4 hours away from eachother. This isnt the time to be going goo goo eyed and lovey dovey over a relationship that may or may not make the distance.
I'm not getting freaked out, I'm just trying to assess the situation. This is not your, oh my god, my first boyfriend, my virginity, my first love etc relationship. We're both adults, living on our own, and other people have to be brought into the equation where our relationship is considered. In all honesty, I'm not sure that right now I'm at a point in my life where I want to have to consider someone else's feelings all the time when making important decisions about my life.
But you're right. Lying to him is not the answer. I just dont know how else to readily express the fact that I care
Man, saying those three magic words when you don't mean 'em isn't so cool but if you stop saying them now, he'll ask why..
You live and learn...
Love is something you work at, you accept the flaws, the little niggling things and you see past that and think "Fuck me, you're the one I'm staying with regardless, because I need you to be around me because you ARE my life, you make everything glow around me, etc."
I think alot of people go for love 2 months in because they really click, and the feeling is mutual and it's a honeymoon stage. Don't get me wrong, when I was 17/18 I was thinking I loved a guy after 3 months.
It was all tender, sweet loving. But looking back now, there was NO consistency, we hadn't had the hard times. We didn't have the big old talks about life, doing things we knew were wrong and growing from them to be stronger, and the like. It was puppy love.
Love is the one you'll always be with. That's it. No one else. I think people use the expression too freely.
That's all I'm saying. And some people on these boards don't understand that. I think alot of people confuse "love" with incessant tenderness/affection from each other, spending time ALL the time, etc.
you're only wat, 21 now? you talk down to people younger than you quite alot. just because you personally havent experienced something other people have, doesnt mean it doesnt happen.
you obviously havent met 'the one' yet or you would be with him now. and people do meet 'the one' at 15, 16, 18, etc. just because you didnt, doesnt mean it doesnt happen.
Yeah I'm only 21, and in MY opinion, you can't get love and that longing to be with someone forever in the space of 5 months. You can't grasp a sense of what life will be like 20 years from now with that person in 5 months.
I don't talk down to people younger than me quite alot. That'll be a dig to me of the reality of things I've tried to tell you about in the past. I just express my opinion, freedom of speech, and all that jazz. But my opinion doesn't matter because people do go against the odds and as you say find love at ages younger than me, my parents did it, and so did my sister and aunts.
But I still go by what I think, and if people think it's bollocks then fair dos. It's a tiny 0.001 percentage of the world that this board represents, and I know that quite a lot of people will go with what I say, and what you say too. But it is different strokes for different folks.
But 5 months to make that decision of making and breaking something SO young doesn't really cut it for me. I think it's far too soon, and people use and abuse that decision and waste it.
But I'm being old fashioned here, blame my Mum. When I hear I love you, not 5 months in I know it'll last.
Also, I know that "I love you" is a total swollen feeling inside until you say that and let all that intimate emotion out for that person. I don't know. I don't know, I'm still learning, but I'd like to think that love will happen for me longer than 5 months in.
I just think that John Legend's song Ordinary people sums it up:
Girl im in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday
I know I misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
This time we'll take it slow
This time we'll take it slow
This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss then we make up on the way
I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
As our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
This time we'll take it slow
This time we'll take it slow
Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
We never know baby you and I
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
This time we'll take it slow
This time we'll take it slow
So all i'm trying to say is, you can love from just first sight, you can love before nine months, it can be real and be with you forever. But some guys say it for other purposes as I have. With most girls all you say is those three words and they drop they're knickers so be careful. I am ashamed that i did it, but I was lonely!
I'd partly agree and partly disagree with this.
I had the feeling of love and wanting to be with her forever after five or six months, and we got engaged. I was right with the feeling, too.
But having said that, with hindsight my love is a lot more stronger and permanent now than it was then. I'm more certain of it. Saying I do means so much more.
After five months its quite common for one person to be in love, and for the other to have not reached that stage yet. You may never love him as you do, or you may grow to. GWST didn't love me as much as I loved her at the beginning.
But at the same time, I don't think anyone has the right to pooh pooh someone else's idea of love. Admittedly at the age of 21 you probably will and do have more life experience of someone who is younger, theres no way around that. I didn't think that the guy I fell in love with at 17 was the person I'd be with forever, but that didnt stop me loving him any less, or hurting any less when it ended.
It depends on the person, the circumstance and their individual feelings.