grieving (sort of)

Former Member

hi .... Quite a few years ago my parents split up and I stayed with my mum, my dad moved away. Anyway v recently my dad died and at first the shock and stuff hit me very hard but now I just want to go on normally type thing ... I feel really guilty about this, like i should be moping around upset or something ... i'm still sad but i just feel like i shouldnt be carrying on as normal for a while

Maybe it's because I haven't seen him much for a long time or that I sort of dealt with 'losing' him when he moved out ... It just feels weird .

Also i hate the way some ppl (friends etc) will treat u differently when they find out stuff like that ...i really dont want that .

Anyone else experienced this type of thing?

(dont know why i felt the need to post this but i just do)

Former Member

i think maybe the reason you aren't grieving for your dad's death is because;
a) as you say, you already grieved for him
b) you aren't as close to him as you were
c) the shock of it may not have set in yet?

as for the friends thing, act normal+tell them you dont wana big fuss+things should be ok! Remember, they'll only act differently bcos they care.

Former Member

grieve as you want to, don't let anyone tell you how or what is right, cos everything is completely different for everyone. i can't remember the name of it but a month or two ago there was a really good thread on this board about grieving, have a search for it that might help.

Former Member

if you feel you are ready to get on with things then do it. my fiances brother killed himself two weeks ago and it took him 4 days til he cried and i thought that was weird at first but now i realise its different for everyone. there is no right or wrong.
i know my fiance is feeling bad because he hadnt seen his brother in a wee whilebut ive explained to him that its just part of life and these things happen in families, it doesnt mean you dont love them or care any less.
your dad wouldnt want you to stop living your life, im sure he would want you to carry on normally. it doesnt make you a bad, it makes you human. the world doesnt stop when someone dies, sometimes it would be easier if it did for a wee while. just do what you have to do pet x

Former Member

muse- wrote:

Also i hate the way some ppl (friends etc) will treat u differently when they find out stuff like that ...i really dont want that .

unfortunatly that happens a lot imo. but it is more about their inability to deal with the "problem" than anything else, and some people just don't know how to help / respond to someone who is experiencing problems like yours so they back away. if it happens try not to let it get you down... i know that sounds like an easy thing to say, but i'm sure that they don't mean to hurt you by it... they just don't know how to react to you or help. grieving takes a shit load of time to get over and heal... so just take it as it comes. and how you feel is how you feel... its perfectly natural... so don't beat yourself up for it.

Former Member

thx for the replies everyone, i appreciate them :] ..it's made me feel a little better.

Former Member

you just gotta do what feels right. there is nothing to feel guilty about.

i no its not much of a comparison but when i was in secondary school my best friend had cancer, she was given the all clear and ended up moving away to live with her dad because she didnt have a fantastic relationship with her mum. i lost contact with her but through a friend i found out the cancer had returned and she died at age 16.

even though we were very close once, i felt i didnt have the right to cry or be upset because i had lost contact with her. Therefore i just had to go on as normal, even though obviously i was upset.

i no its not much of a comparison because im sure u didnt loose contact with your dad and its your father not a friend. But i just thought it might show that there is no wrong or right answer when grieving. you just have to go with your heart and if moving on is what feels right, thats what you have to do.

Former Member

I know what you mean its ok ;p

I just felt a bit guilty, like if i died and say i saw my friends going out and getting drunk itd seem strange, I just like to put my mind on other things though im feeling it on the inside type thing.

Former Member

i think putting your mind on other things is exactly the right thing to to!!!!
i'm not sure if i believe people look down you after they are gone but if they do im sure ur dad will realise you are still grieving on the inside!! and so will everyone else around you!

Former Member

yeah ... I'm not particularly religious but i;m not an athiest either (theres a word for it i think )...Was just the concept more than anything.

Anyway thanks for taking the time the reply etc, much appreciated :wave:

Former Member

muse- wrote:

yeah ... I'm not particularly religious but i;m not an athiest either (theres a word for it i think )...

Agnostic is the word your looking for.

I'm sorry for your loss,but like everyone's already said, no-one can ever tell you how to grieve. People do things differently.