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Depression/anxiety (long post)
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
For the past four months my mental health has gone completely downhill. I enjoy none of the things I used to. I don't look forward to things I used to, like going to the pub at the weekend, going to a barbecue or even going on a nice holiday. Material things don't mean anything to me anymore. I don't feel anything when I get my payslip. I don't get any joy or satisfaction out of earning money and buying things. I feel confused and suicidal on a regular basis and I've imagined my own funeral and people's reactions to my death in great detail. I get paranoid thoughts a lot of the time like I was destined to end up committing suicide. Or I'm possessed by an eveil spirit or I'd done something terrible in a past life.
Before all this I was settled down with a house and a partner, and I thought I was happy. He's 18 years older than me but we got along great. We just seemed to click. He was my first proper boyfriend, my first everything. I got with him when I was 17 and was with him until I started feeling like this which was around my 19th birthday in May.
Things weren't always perfect. He had serious problems with his money and he's a binge drinker. But I thought that he was my soulmate and usually thought things would get better eventually. But then around my birthday I noticed I wasn't such a happy person. I noticed I'd lost all interest in sex. I started to get thoughts like "maybe he isn't the one for me." maybe I'll meet someone better than him one day and I'll have wasted my life." "maybe even if he wasn't a binge drinker I still wouldn't be happier." So as a result of these feelings I pretty much fell out of love. I went on a break but we carried on sharing a house because there was no other option. But things got worse and worse for me. I started having a lot of aggressive and sometimes homocidal thought about him.
We're still living together now. I am really in a dilemma. I still haven't decided if I love him or not. I don't want to move out and lose the house and then realise I really do love him. And I often think my whole life would be over if I left him completely. But I know still living with him isn't the solution at the moment either. I could stay with my mum, but I don't think he is the root of all my problems.
He was my world, my purpose in life, but now I'm not sure I ever knew him. I don't seem to know who I really am anymore. I don't think I'll ever know, I'm always analysing myself; my thoughts my feelings. I don't know what life I was meant to lead, how to deal with relationships, life, what my career was supposed to be. I'd had it all mapped out when I moved in with Richie. Right now I'm stuck doing a factory job that exhausts me.
I've seen doctors. I tried changing my contraceptive pill but it didn't change anything. I've refused medication. I've tried ringing helplines but they don't offer psychiatrict support. I've been trying to get to see a psychiatrist or a counsellor but to no avail. The doctors are unhelpful, they're just happy to basically shove a pill in my gob and tell me to shut it. They haven't even diagnosed me or signed me off work. I've just been told recently to come back in a few weeks if I still feel bad. The counsellors all have waiting lists. I've tried binge drinking, that didn't help, I gave up alcohol, that didn't help, I tried weed which didn't help. I've stopped now but it hasn't made a difference.
I feel like I can't relate to any of my friends anymore so I can't turn to them about this. Which is even more depressing.
I had a really miserable childhood. I was beaten regularly, bullied at school and had a few painful bereavements.
I feel like my life is spiralling out of control and I feel like I have no hope in the future, like I was never meant to be happy.
All I want to do is lead a normal happy life but I need to find the root of my problem and I can't. I'm just a tired, unhappy person and nothing is being done about it.
Anyway sorry for boring you with my life story. Just needed to get this off my chest. Any advice or support gratefully received.
Before all this I was settled down with a house and a partner, and I thought I was happy. He's 18 years older than me but we got along great. We just seemed to click. He was my first proper boyfriend, my first everything. I got with him when I was 17 and was with him until I started feeling like this which was around my 19th birthday in May.
Things weren't always perfect. He had serious problems with his money and he's a binge drinker. But I thought that he was my soulmate and usually thought things would get better eventually. But then around my birthday I noticed I wasn't such a happy person. I noticed I'd lost all interest in sex. I started to get thoughts like "maybe he isn't the one for me." maybe I'll meet someone better than him one day and I'll have wasted my life." "maybe even if he wasn't a binge drinker I still wouldn't be happier." So as a result of these feelings I pretty much fell out of love. I went on a break but we carried on sharing a house because there was no other option. But things got worse and worse for me. I started having a lot of aggressive and sometimes homocidal thought about him.
We're still living together now. I am really in a dilemma. I still haven't decided if I love him or not. I don't want to move out and lose the house and then realise I really do love him. And I often think my whole life would be over if I left him completely. But I know still living with him isn't the solution at the moment either. I could stay with my mum, but I don't think he is the root of all my problems.
He was my world, my purpose in life, but now I'm not sure I ever knew him. I don't seem to know who I really am anymore. I don't think I'll ever know, I'm always analysing myself; my thoughts my feelings. I don't know what life I was meant to lead, how to deal with relationships, life, what my career was supposed to be. I'd had it all mapped out when I moved in with Richie. Right now I'm stuck doing a factory job that exhausts me.
I've seen doctors. I tried changing my contraceptive pill but it didn't change anything. I've refused medication. I've tried ringing helplines but they don't offer psychiatrict support. I've been trying to get to see a psychiatrist or a counsellor but to no avail. The doctors are unhelpful, they're just happy to basically shove a pill in my gob and tell me to shut it. They haven't even diagnosed me or signed me off work. I've just been told recently to come back in a few weeks if I still feel bad. The counsellors all have waiting lists. I've tried binge drinking, that didn't help, I gave up alcohol, that didn't help, I tried weed which didn't help. I've stopped now but it hasn't made a difference.
I feel like I can't relate to any of my friends anymore so I can't turn to them about this. Which is even more depressing.
I had a really miserable childhood. I was beaten regularly, bullied at school and had a few painful bereavements.
I feel like my life is spiralling out of control and I feel like I have no hope in the future, like I was never meant to be happy.
All I want to do is lead a normal happy life but I need to find the root of my problem and I can't. I'm just a tired, unhappy person and nothing is being done about it.
Anyway sorry for boring you with my life story. Just needed to get this off my chest. Any advice or support gratefully received.
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Comments
If your doctor wont help then change.
Unfortunately counsellers have waiting lists. Its as simple as that unless you can afford £30 a time to go private. But i do think you'd benefit from seeing someone. I bloody hated the idea and took me a long time to open up. But if you put the effort in- it can help. It hasnt 'fixed' me, but its helped.
Also if things are unbearable, why refuse medication??? Its a chance of feeling a little better and giving you some time to deal with the issues causing you unhappiness. Theyre no miracle cure- far from it, but if lifes so shite-what have you got to lose if when they could help you?
Everything you've said youve thought and felt are typical of depression. The exact thing happened with my relatioship- i started questioning whether i loved him anymore etc etc.
Read the thread at the top of the page-you might find ithelpful, or a little comforting that you aint alone with all that.
*big hugs* to you
it sounds like you've tried so many ways of helping yourself and are completely frustrated at the lack of help you are receiving from anyone else. Have you spoken to anyone close to you about how you are feeling? You say that you feel confused and out of control of your life, but your post was so clearly written and explains your feelings honestly - I think that with some help talking things through you may find that you can get through this and be happy again.
It's so annoying when you come up against brick walls but maybe you could start by talking to someone you know or writing your feelings down? You've already started by making this post. Have you talked to your partner/ex partner about all this? He obviously knows something is wrong - perhaps he could really help you.
Also, you say you've tried some helplines... I wonder which ones? I'd suggest you try Saneline who are brilliant - here are the details:
Saneline - Offers practical information, crisis care and emotional support to anybody affected by mental health problems.
Web: www.sane.org.uk
Tel: 0845 767 8000
-you might also find it useful to contact them through our askTheSite service - type in a question and get a personal, anonymous answer here: http://www.thesite.org.uk/community/askthesite/askaquestion
Keep persevering with your GP - if they see how serious you are about getting help they should put you on a waiting list.
Try to remember that there is a way out - it might take time but there is hope.
Take care
Hannah Spanner x