Angry and Upset...

Former Member

Hey all

Am really sorry to be posting in such a depressing manner again. I really need some advice from you all.

I've been with my boyfriend now for 13 months, I met him online last July and we got together 'properly' in January and have been inseperable ever since. When we can't be together in person we spend all our time on MSN or on the phone.

He is my first love, and the only man I've ever trusted to do anything sexual with before.

Things have been a bit odd between us over the weekend and yesterday - he's been quite quiet and down and not really wanting to talk to anyone, 'except me' so he said.

This afternoon I logged into my e-mail and found a message from him admitting one of our mutual friends had been flirting with him and he'd encouraged it. He admitted he cared about this other girl a lot, but loved me. He said he felt flattered by her attentions and liked it when she said stuff to him. He also said he'd been drinking when he'd been flirting with her. It turns out she's also sent him quite a graphic, sexual e-mail which her fiance has found - she's subsequently been thrown out by him. It's really hurt me because I'm on a downer at the moment, am unwell and am about to see a psych for some outstanding, ongoing mental health issues.

He seems full of remorse - and normally is such a sweet, caring, meek soul who would never harm anyone - but this has really hurt me, and I don't know what to do - we live 200 miles apart. I trusted him implicitly and didn't go into a relationship with him without being totally sure about my feelings. Now I'm confused and I don't know what to do - do I give him another chance or do I finish it with him now?

Any advice would be gratefully appreciated

Thank you

Love cavegirl
xxx

Former Member

WOW that is pretty bad but you have to respect that he was honest and told you the truth. A lot of men like gettin hit on by gorgeous women , a real boost to their ego. Could it be that he doesn't love her but was desperate for attetion since you weren't there to give him any? I know it sounds horrid but i would think that would be the case since it didn't become anything sexually. My boyfriend and I spent months 800 miles appart and I trusted him 100% had he done something liek that despite my love i would be crushed i would have to take a major step back in our relationship if their could be one at all

Former Member

I will only say this : They're all bastards. No matter how well they hide it,eventually the bastard streak will appear.

It's horrible when your partner is unfaithful though, so I'd like to add myself to the list of people you can PM if you need a chat. :wave:

Take care of you.

Former Member

k@tie wrote:

I will only say this : They're all bastards. No matter how well they hide it,eventually the bastard streak will appear.

That's a bit unfair.

I've been out with 6 girls and all but one (the current one) have cheated on me.
In my circle of friends only one of the guys has cheated (out of about 15 or so) but every girl has cheated at least once. Doesn't make me think all girls are cheaters.

Former Member

I was in a relationship exactly the same as that, met online, met in person, fell in love, first love, 200 miles apart. He got on a bit of a downer 1 week when he crashed his car, then randomly dumps me by the end of the week. When i asked him why, he said he'd been tempted to cheat on me, and that the spark wasn't there anymore...the whole it's not you its me thing :yeees:
Anyway, it's up to you if you want to continue or not. It could have been alot worse mind you....

Former Member

red_jelly wrote:

That's a bit unfair.

I've been out with 6 girls and all but one (the current one) have cheated on me.
In my circle of friends only one of the guys has cheated (out of about 15 or so) but every girl has cheated at least once. Doesn't make me think all girls are cheaters.

You misunderstand me. Not all men are cheaters, but they will always find some way of upsetting you and hurting you, intentional or unintentional.

Former Member

k@tie wrote:

You misunderstand me. Not all men are cheaters, but they will always find some way of upsetting you and hurting you, intentional or unintentional.

And vice versa - no one goes through life without hurting someone ... sad but true.

But don't make it seem like its a one way thing ... it happens just as often to guys as it does to girls.

Former Member

Thanks so much for your support folks.

I tried to call him last night, but he was ignoring my messages. Then I got an e-mail saying 'I'm sorry, I just can't talk to you, I despise myself...etc etc etc'...then saying he was going out to a friends for the night....wow, he despises himself so much he's had to go out to see friends...I've been stewing with anger, upset and resentment for 24 hours now and not been able to get rid of any of it, meanwhile he's taken the cowards way out and decided to ignore me...he's the one who's caused the trouble and he won't face up to it...

and it's not fair, because I still love him despite all this and I don't want to - I want to hate him but I can't.

:crying:

Former Member

i know exactly how you feel hun *hugs* some people just can't face confrontation. Just leave him alone for abit, if he wants to he'll contact you if he doesn't then you need to get on your way to getting over him. It's tough shit i know, but you'll get there in the end. I never thought i would but i did.

Former Member

It's easy to get tempted, anyone who has never been tempted by another is a liar. It happens when things are tough, either in the relationship, at work or slsewhere. Someone says something nice, makes it clear they fancy you, and you like it. It happens, its human nature.

I'd say don't throw it away. Why?

He hasn't cheated on you.
He admitted it without you confronting him.
He sounds genuinely remorseful.

The most important thing is that he hasn't cheated on you. It's not nice to see your partner get tempted by another, but he hasn't succombed to that temptation, and that means you have a strong basis for the future.

But only if you can see that he hasn't cheated, and that he is trustworthy. If you can't then you won't go anywhere.

Of course he's gone out with his friends, that is exactly what friends are for. You should do it too.

Former Member

the fact that he told you, is a good sign!

Former Member

even though people love each other, we still manage to hurt each other. It's just the way it is.

Just go with your heart...

Former Member

It really does depend on how YOU feel and its all fair and well asking for other peoples opinions but dont let that cloud your judgement on what you want, i was with someone for almost 2 years, we split for 4 months and he was seeing someone else in that time for like 6 weeks and then he split up with her as he wanted me back and then 2 months down the line we are back together! He messed me about a lot and it has taken a lot of hard work but we are back on track and i couldnt be happier, the thing is i was scared what everyone would think giving him a second chance and of cause worried about getting hurt again but i just knew deep down i couldnt be without him, sometimes it just takes some time to get over the inital hurt, but he has been honest with you and that is so important.

Former Member

you have to look at it like this, if you did that to him. Would you like a second chance but hiding away with his drinking buddy isnt making it up to you, ok he did wrong but was man enought to admit it, but.............. somthing isnt adding up here, maybe he is trying to give you a hint, maybe he wants out, sometimes a man can tell the truth and its easier to make you dump him, i think you should give him the cold shoulder for a while and only time will tell...

good luck

Former Member

Hi all

Again, thank you for so many replies...really appreciate the support you guys have given me.

We spoke last night for about 2.5 hours. I know my boyf and I know when he's lying to me. I think this girl has been harassing him and he's just not been able to tell her to f off. He sent me the e-mail that she'd sent to him, and it was the kind of thing that someone who is stalking someone else would send.

I also found out that he didn't go out with his mates either, he stayed in and hid away - he said every time I rang and left a message he died inside.

So we've patched things up and are working through the problem - but the thing is I really want to tackle our 'friend' about what she's done...I really want to hurt her like she's hurt me. Is that bad?

Former Member

cavegirl wrote:

but the thing is I really want to tackle our 'friend' about what she's done...I really want to hurt her like she's hurt me. Is that bad?

no, but if you try to hurt her it will be stooping to her level, like the level she stooped to when trying it on with a man who has a girlfriend.

Resist the temptation, it will piss her off more in the long run that she didnt get any attention and commotion from it :thumb:

Former Member

Oops....

Well, that's me gone and stooped to her level then. I dunno - I was just so angry this morning. I sent her a message, which she ignored - knew she'd read it, but just ignored it - so I've sent another one which she hasn't seen yet.

Maybe I should've waited till I'd calmed down a bit, but I just felt like I needed to point some anger in her direction...

Former Member

did he fuck her? all i read was that he encouraged her and she sent him a naughty email. any word on anything actually happen? tell the girl to fuck off and find her own fella. she may hve lost her fiance but thats her own fault. tell her to wise up and get the fuck

Former Member

she knows yoy know now what was going on, i would leave it at that, a man like nothing more that two woman fighting over them, but i do think that he should be the one telling her to get lost. good luck, dont sell yourself short :wave:

Former Member

k@tie wrote:

I will only say this : They're all bastards. No matter how well they hide it,eventually the bastard streak will appear.

no they're not. as much as they may have made me cry or anything, they're no worse than us girls.

eta: did he really think e-mail was the best way to tell you this?!

Former Member

lucifer devil wrote:

no they're not. as much as they may have made me cry or anything, they're no worse than us girls.

well said

Former Member

Hey again

Just another quick update. I tackled t'other woman about what happened - but she's still ignoring me and has been back in touch with boyf again. He is ignoring her and tells me he doesn't want anything to do with her.

I'm not going to get in touch with her again. I've made my point and will leave it at that - unless she gets in touch with me.

As for me and boyfy - things seemed to be ok last night, we talked as we always do and I really honestly reckon now I've calmed down that he has done absolutely nothing wrong - apart from maybe be a bit naive about how this other girl felt about him....

Thanks again for all your advice and support on this - I really appreciate it.

Love from cavegirl
xx