Unsure about new baby

Former Member

Basically..

I'm 21 and I found out about 2 months ago now that my ex-gf is expecting my baby, due at the beginning of next month. It was an accident, but the dates seem to match, so I've no reason to doubt it's mine.

Now she's in a relationship with someone she was with before me. I don't really know him, but she's told me that the both of them are going to be bringing up the baby together. She's said that I can have as much or as little time to see the kid as I want, but I'm just absolutely petrified at everything.

It's only literally these last two weeks that I realised that I'm really, really not ready to be a dad. I still feel like a child myself, I've never really lived responsibly, I've fuck all money, I'm in the middle of moving house (to a shared flat), and I don't think I'd really be able to be around a baby because I don't have the first fucking clue about what to do.

I'd been having ongoing sexuality issues before all this kicked off, and I'm the sort of boy that needs emotional support anyway. I don't know how to deal with any of this, and it's just so scary. Although she's got a b/f now, I still worry that my ex needs me to be strong for her because it's her first kid too, but I just feel totally weak and pathetic. Some people at work say she'll be the best thing that could happen to me and it'll totally change my life, but I can't feel that justnow.

It's been round and round in my head every night, most nights I just cry myself to sleep about it. I know I need to pull myself together, but it's so scary and it's so much to think about. I'm just scared I end up having a total breakdown over this.

Any ideas as to how to deal with it would be great.

Former Member

first of all, calm down. i know that's easier said that done, but you're panicking, and that only helps confuse the situation.

you've said that your ex and her new chap are planning to raise the baby together. that will take a huge responsibility away from you, if you want it taken away. you don't have to be involved day to day if you feel you can't.

what i wouldn't do is withdraw completely. if you miss out on this part of your baby's life, and then change your mind, tough. it's gone. you'll never get back any of this time. even if it's a half-hour visit every other week, i'd think about staying in contact.

talk to your ex about how you feel. it sounds like you're on fairly good terms, so just tell her that you're really scared/confused/whatever, and if you act a bit crazy, that's why. i'm sure she'll understand.

then just see how it goes. none of us know how you're going to react. don't make any rash decisions. wait until the baby arrives and take it from there.

Former Member

kaffrin wrote:

first of all, calm down. i know that's easier said that done, but you're panicking, and that only helps confuse the situation.

you've said that your ex and her new chap are planning to raise the baby together. that will take a huge responsibility away from you, if you want it taken away. you don't have to be involved day to day if you feel you can't.

what i wouldn't do is withdraw completely. if you miss out on this part of your baby's life, and then change your mind, tough. it's gone. you'll never get back any of this time. even if it's a half-hour visit every other week, i'd think about staying in contact.

talk to your ex about how you feel. it sounds like you're on fairly good terms, so just tell her that you're really scared/confused/whatever, and if you act a bit crazy, that's why. i'm sure she'll understand.

then just see how it goes. none of us know how you're going to react. don't make any rash decisions. wait until the baby arrives and take it from there.

Yeah I agree with all of the above. But also to be realistic, you never really know when your next chance to have a baby will be. Chances are you'll probably get married in several years' time and will probably have children then, but you never know. God forbid, something might happen to you and this could be the only child you ever have. You have to look at it from all angles.

It might seem like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders now but in a few years one day you are going to look at your child, playing a game or going fishing with them and think "I'm the luckiest dad in the world."

If you're really stressed out over the whole thing, maybe talking to a counsellor will help?

Former Member

firstly, do you have anyone to chat to about how you are feeling atm like a friend?
secondly, its up to you to decide how much effort you want to put in when she has the baby. if you really don't want to be a dad... you don't have to be. if you do and she has said that "that you can have as much or as little time to see the kid as you want" then thats fine. it is her decision to have it. and really, everyone who has a child is scared to some extent on what they are getting into - thats natural. but the fact that her and her new boyfriend are willing to raise it... does take a lot of the burden off you. so, really, it comes down to the choice of whether you want to spend time with it or not?!

Former Member

I know this sounds like a real bad time to say this.

But why is she getting back together with this guy, who she was with before, and if the dates do match up around the time you two split up etc, might it not be this guys kid.

Cause while im sure it doesnt happen all that much, how loving will that guy be to a baby a woman is asking him raise, but isnt his.

Sorry, im just playing devils advocate