If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Aged 16-25? Share your experience of using the discussion boards and receive a £25 voucher! Take part via text-chat, video or phone. Click here to find out more and to take part.
Options
mate raped by another mate.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey this'll be long winded but I'll shorten it down as much as poss.
I have 2 uni mates, amy and dave, who travelled to mine on friday for a party. Amy arrived first and she seemed "off" with me, and agressive when I kept asking whats wrong. Anyway later at the party she was on a downer again, dave told me to check her out, and she just said she was tired.
We decide to go to a club, outside dave takes me away. I said shes just tired and he said "its not that". He told me that thursday was terrible, that she got very drunk and blacked out, and that basically he raped her. (date raped her).
5mins later me and amy wait in the car, and she says "I didnt want him to tell you". I just looked forward and said nothing. Outside, walking to the club, she said "how muchd did he tell you" and I just kept walking. In the club I didnt speak most of the night. Dave came over and said "amy thinks you're ignoring her" but still did nothing.
Outside at the end of the night she starts crying. So I felt guilty, hugged her and we spoke a lot. Was lots of arguing amongst people with other stuff so it got quite stressful, people kept bothering us.
Reason I didnt speak to her is cuz I seen her talking to dave, and she was agressive with me earlier, was as if I was getting the blame. I was pissed off that she didnt tell me either. (my head was wrecked I know I shouldnt have done that now).
Then I slept at hers last night back at uni. She keeps blaming herself for it. Im trying to get her to say its not her fault, shes saying it is cuz its her fault she got so drunk. She said she didnt try to stop him, and that he wasnt to know, all she did was try to dig her nails into him. I told her she couldnt do anything in her state, cuz she had blacked out, but she still blames herself. Ive said sorry I ignored her too, and she seems to understand why I did that, she says so anyway. Ive tried to take her mind off it, she came out with something like "no offence, I know your worried, but its not your business, and its something me and dave have to sort out".
Shes become very jumpy, so I can see she isnt coping well.
What I need to ask....
her dad is up here from her hometown today. She said she wants to tell noone and she wishes I didnt know, I think she should tell someone. Told her to tell her dad and she wont, do I tell him for her or not? If not, she has to tell someone surely?
We are all meant to go out next week. I feel like I should go and beat the crap outta him now. But shes been blaming herself, saying its not dave's fault. I dont wanna fall out with her and I guess she might defend him if I did that?
And theres what she said to me. Should I just do nothing and let her get on with it? Thing is, I do I like her, and think I might even love her. So I hate seeing her like this and I want to do something, I just dont know what.
I havent mentioned it but should I try and get her to report it? Im meant to be dave's mate too but I despise him right now.
Theres a lot more thats happened this weekend which might be relevant but theres lots to say and I cant remember the lot as Im writing this.
Thanks for reading, any help is appreciated.
I have 2 uni mates, amy and dave, who travelled to mine on friday for a party. Amy arrived first and she seemed "off" with me, and agressive when I kept asking whats wrong. Anyway later at the party she was on a downer again, dave told me to check her out, and she just said she was tired.
We decide to go to a club, outside dave takes me away. I said shes just tired and he said "its not that". He told me that thursday was terrible, that she got very drunk and blacked out, and that basically he raped her. (date raped her).
5mins later me and amy wait in the car, and she says "I didnt want him to tell you". I just looked forward and said nothing. Outside, walking to the club, she said "how muchd did he tell you" and I just kept walking. In the club I didnt speak most of the night. Dave came over and said "amy thinks you're ignoring her" but still did nothing.
Outside at the end of the night she starts crying. So I felt guilty, hugged her and we spoke a lot. Was lots of arguing amongst people with other stuff so it got quite stressful, people kept bothering us.
Reason I didnt speak to her is cuz I seen her talking to dave, and she was agressive with me earlier, was as if I was getting the blame. I was pissed off that she didnt tell me either. (my head was wrecked I know I shouldnt have done that now).
Then I slept at hers last night back at uni. She keeps blaming herself for it. Im trying to get her to say its not her fault, shes saying it is cuz its her fault she got so drunk. She said she didnt try to stop him, and that he wasnt to know, all she did was try to dig her nails into him. I told her she couldnt do anything in her state, cuz she had blacked out, but she still blames herself. Ive said sorry I ignored her too, and she seems to understand why I did that, she says so anyway. Ive tried to take her mind off it, she came out with something like "no offence, I know your worried, but its not your business, and its something me and dave have to sort out".
Shes become very jumpy, so I can see she isnt coping well.
What I need to ask....
her dad is up here from her hometown today. She said she wants to tell noone and she wishes I didnt know, I think she should tell someone. Told her to tell her dad and she wont, do I tell him for her or not? If not, she has to tell someone surely?
We are all meant to go out next week. I feel like I should go and beat the crap outta him now. But shes been blaming herself, saying its not dave's fault. I dont wanna fall out with her and I guess she might defend him if I did that?
And theres what she said to me. Should I just do nothing and let her get on with it? Thing is, I do I like her, and think I might even love her. So I hate seeing her like this and I want to do something, I just dont know what.
I havent mentioned it but should I try and get her to report it? Im meant to be dave's mate too but I despise him right now.
Theres a lot more thats happened this weekend which might be relevant but theres lots to say and I cant remember the lot as Im writing this.
Thanks for reading, any help is appreciated.
0
Comments
You are there for her, but you do not, under any circumstances, breach her trust, or go against her word. She'll talk about it when she is ready.
As for anything else, you don't take sides. It sounds a very bizarre situation, and I'll bet there is a lot more about it than you realise. Don't wade in against the boy- not because he deserves protection but because it isn't your fight.
All you can do now is support her, and do what she asks you to do.
He has already said he knows he did the wrong thing by acting awkwardly towards her. So, not a lot of need for that comment.
I agree with Kermit - be there for her. But, it's her choice to tell people and not yours, so you need to let her make the decisions about who knows.
It's a natural reaction if you consider that person a close friend. It might not be the best reaction, but I don't think its a reaction worthy of contempt.
How's he supposed to know if she doesn't say?
Because men never get raped?
Because men never have to help their partners who've been raped get back on track in life?
Exactly.
Well if men have no idea how can we be expected to understand?
Unfortunatley there's no handbook for guys on how to handle these kinds of situations we have to work it out for ourselves and its difficult enough to understand girls at the best of times.... after a situation like this? Fuck to be honest Alan, you've handled it better than i did!
Think you've already got the right advice ... do as your told and *don't* beat him up! It seems like the right thing to do now but its not!
I'm really sorry to hear about this problem. I think it would be worthwhile seeking some professional advice as it sounds like an extremely sensitive situation.
This is not to say that either of your friends will consider talking to professionals, in fact they may not even appreciate the suggestion. However, since you have become directly involved I would recommend visiting www.rasac.org.uk. This includes details of a helpline. I can't really imagine how stressful it must be for you, but just to speak to someone who deals with these kinds of problems for a living might be helpful.
All the best
**Helen**